sup world

I don't know what to say. I am in my new place and I have two jobs and no money... I like the fact that I am by myself, but it does get a little lonely, but I think I will get over it. I might buy some form of hamster or cat or both and just cross breed'em. Other then the endless amount of silence I am good. Thinking of a get together but not until I get my new tv and couch, probably just couch.

Hello World!

Sorry about not posting sooner, but with school, work and packing and then unpacking, my time is little. I am finaily in my new place and can't be happier. It is so quite and I am in my own little world once again. I am most definitely ready to enjoy this chapter of my life and am thinking about a third tattoo. I was thinking something like a Mountain with the sun coming up. Or a dragon going down my thigh. If you have any ideas let me know ASAP. Well, ya'll I must get going from this I will be posting pictures on myspace, but not till I get my couch.

Last Night...

I had a lot of fun siting at a total dive bar and hanging out with my friends and getting drunk and drunker. it just felt right I've been so happy the last few days. I don't know what's changing I'm just happy that it is. I am actually so close to the finish line that I can see the win. I can't wait till Next year I start getting paper work ready for student teaching and off to England I go. I would like to work there a year post student teaching. Then I will roll the dice and go from there who knows I just might end up in France, Russia, Italy, Sweden, South America, only gods knows I think he knows; can he see the future it really hasn't been written yet and when you figure in free-will that makes up a large part of everything right. Here's to letting go and moving on and never ever looking back.

I am so fucking sick of people!

I have no reason to bitch i just feel like being one. I kinda wish I could turn time back and re-do a couple of things, but ya'know shit happens for a reason. I just wish people would just stop wasting my time. Would I be wrong for deleting Kraig from my "myspace?" I truly of no use or need for him. Hmm this I shall pounder for a while, before doing so. Yes, if I delete him I will have him off of my cell phone bill.

Downloading!

Things I needed to do.
1) get a new job (got two)
2)Pass the term (so far so good.)
3) Piss on the people who did me wrong. (in my own little way)
4) Find happiness (well I am kinda happier)

I hate it when the Repbulicans are running shit.

I went from 16,500 to 7,500 in 12 months. I have more going out then in. I have robbed Petter to pay Paul so damn much that Paul can't see straight. I know and understand I have made this bed and now I have to sleep in it. But at what point does it get better. if the hours i have at Meijer would just go up by two shifts I'd be okay. I would be more than just floating. On the go side I might be enter upon something that should have meaning and I am doing pretty damn well this term. I am just worried that I won't be able to afford to continue my CMU degree. Who knows I just might get a job and flourish in MT.P.


There I updated.

My Dream.

Let me tell you this is really weird. I was at my moms and there was a funeral ( I don't know who died it was a closed casket). I was walking around without a shirt on and some shorts (I must have worked out I looked good with out the shirt on). During the day people kept coming in and pay their respects and what not, but during this time I was locked in a room (my choice). In this room there was this fine ass blond and we ended up having crazy sex. Towards the end of the dream I was leaving the room. As I left my mom said "Don't you think you should say good bye?" So I sat on the floor talking to the casket and started to cry (woke up crying). What does this mean??

Glory.

I think I am going to be very happy. I have met some one very special I feel that we're going to be good friends or more. I hope more. I spent three hours on the phone with them. It feels good that some one and I might be happy together.

Change everything and everyone is changing. I can feel it within myself. I don't know if it is the lack of stimulation or cabin fever, but I need to change something and everything fast.

Starting with this. My first mental health day is Saturday of this week. I would like to go out and hang with my friends. If I still have some.

I know I have been putting a distance between us and now comes the time to change that. Let's do it let's hang out more. I know I call people, but do you??

I'm doing it. I am changing. I can feel the happiness tapping at my shoulder and beckoning for me to play with it. I am wanting to hang with old and dear friends. I don't want to be with the new ones. I don't want the drugs, the booze, the sadness. I want MY LIFE BACK and I've got it.

I have deiceded to hire a PI to find my dad so I can send him a letter telling him my stance of him. This leads me to ask: should I let a sleeping dog rest or should I unload so I can finally have peace with him and my life. I don't blame him (much). Do I feel my life would have been different if he was in it. Yes, the scary part is I don't know if my life would have been better or worse.

To the next "Special Person In my Life."


1) If you cheat you're gone.
2) Yes, being drunk and fucking your ex is cheating.
3) Once, I dump you I will ever take you back.
4) I will not be your friend when I break up with you that's it.
5) I won't hurt you if you don't hurt you.


I am speaking from my past. I hate it so much, but yet again I was fucking right. Twice. I didn't cheat on them once. I will never get into another ltr.

I often fear I am to nice. I do/have noticed one thing. In this materilistic world I could be King, however I am not. I like nice things and I like my things to be nice and stay nice I have noticed this; I share. I notice the other day that I am very different then my brother. My mother realized years ago that you don't share your wife, house, clothes, cars and extc. Thus, she change her parenting style. You can share if you want to and trust me I don't want to I just do. This brings me to the point I would like to make. I don't care for being nice nice gets you nothing in this world. I have been to nice to many people in this world and I have yet to be repaid for it. Nice guy is dead.

So help me god.
I am going to make myself over. I am going to get a new job, get into shape and not allow myself to be used any more. I am so tired of people that use people for personal gain. If you think this is about you then either you've used/use people or me. I have to say I am not broken hearted just hurt that things went the way they did. Yes, signs were there and they told the truth and when grandma says something you need to know that's the truth. People come and go, but true friends stay with you. Despite all the things I've been through this feels like the worse. Maybe, we need to talk maybe not all I know is that I am not going to let this shit get me down anymore. I'm done. My heart is now calis to these things. I will survive, but can you say the same? This new year will bring so much happiness I can't wait. I'm done with the users.

I'm done. I am so out of this state. I am not meant to live here. I am not meant for happiness here. I will be miserable for life if I were to be doomed to stay here any longer than I have to.

I am truly starting to hate the holidays. I think it might be my family. We're to opinionated to be couped up inside with all of us. I actually got into an argument with my Aunt. I never argue with anyone other than my mother and grandmother. People just piss me off to no end. I am so the type of person that will UPS my families gifts to them. I just don't see why we have to spend every holiday together. If I saw you on Thanksgiving and you were healthy then I can wait till January to see you next time.

In my opinion when you add stress+family+not feeling well= LOT'S OF YELLING!!!! I wish people would mind there own business and keep out of mine if I'm not breaking the law then I'm okay. I can't wait till the end of this semester.

This is probably going to be the worse one ever. I am looking at academic probation. I will have to get nothing less then 2.5 to stay in school. They HAVEN'T told me this, but I am preparing myself for it. I just struck out this term and don't understand it. I think it might be the stress of not making money and the whole depression thing. I am officially over that if anybody cares to know. I have decided that I need to love myself, before I can love another.

I know it's extremely early to be thinking about the goals for next year, but here is the roughest of rough drafts I can put together.

1) MY OWN PLACE (Achieved I move in May.)
2) Get a good job. (By good I don't mean more then minim wage, but at least 30hrs/per/w)
3)Travel. (Las Vegas for spring break. March 3-6 ish)
4) New Car.
5) Savings account
6) Get into shape. ( This was placed here on purpose. I say it every year and every year I lose 10lbs and gain it back. With my own place I will buy the food I need to eat to lose more than ten lbs and did I mention that I am going to use the CMU gym)
7) Be happy.
8) Be a better friend. I have noticed that I always turn the subject around I think I am giving advice, but I don't think it is taken that way.
9) Spend more time with people and less time with me. I am the only one that can play my emotions and I play them like a fiddle.
10) And just have fun.

If you would like to add an adventures to mine let me know via myspace. I am attempting to composite a list of places I haven't been and places I have been to and want to see more of. I know I can drag Rachel. Let me know.

"I'll call you tomorrow."

I hate that fucking line. I expect it out of someone who I just meet, but not from people that I've known for a while. I say this, cuz I feel like I am being ignored. This person and I had plans I canceled cuz my cousins needed a sitter. Family comes first to me. No problem. I call them later. "I'm bussy call you tomorrow." I send text message yesterday at ten pm. Call me. No response. Send them a message this morning. Getting conerned. No response. Hmm, the motherfucker is ignoring me and now I'm pissed. Thought we were gonna do something last night so I didn't make any plans. I spent the night at home waiting on a call. I don't know what to do. What really melts my butter is the fact that it feels like I am being ignored. I have done nothing to recive this negitve treatment. I really hate people. I think I am moving to MTP in May. I have to fill out some paper work but it might work out that way. go me.

Hi all. Well I don't get it. I am turning into Anna; maybe even surpassing her. I just can't say no to sex. Every time I am chatting with friends online one thing leads to another and we end up having intercourse. I don't know why I can't say no but it feels so good just to have sex. Granted one of us is usually walking kind of funny the next day or so, but we both have smiles on our faces.

I found out something even more interesting last night. This proves I am right about crazy people being drawn to our little click. it must be, because we're all a little crazy??? Well any who here is the news. Corey ( Rachel's former SVSU roommate) has been hospitalize. I was talking to a well known source about this and it's true. "What happened was she just snapped." the source tells me. "She started hanging around every one here and creped out some of the customers and well she got kicked out of the bar." Checking her last logins this maybe be true. However, if it is true this proves to me that the mentally ill are drawn to us. Here is my proposal lets all change our majors and be shrinks. The crazies are gonna find us no matter what. If you have proof that this story is NOT true then please let me know and I will erase it till then the story stays.

I don't get it.


I feel physically fine; just emotionally I feel like shit. I don't know if it's the old me poking it's way through again. Or a lack of direction in my life. For the first time in my life I don't know what I want. I can't stand this. I always know what I want. I don't know what I want right now. Most people want love, romance, and all that. I don't I couldn't tell you what I want. I want to be happy. I don't know what to do to feel happy. The usual things don't do it. I geuss if I move to MTP I will begin to get happy for once.

Hi. I've been sick and unable to reach my laptop. I'm still a little whozy. My fever is down. I had to take sudifed. I am not happy about that. I don't like studifed.

Okay, I'm moving. I can't do it here anymore. I need a change I need something to push me forward and stop tring to hang on to the past. It's like everyone is going on and I'm still stuck in the past. Maybe a move will do me good. Let me reconnect with myself and help me realize I am and always will be better on my own. As long as I have my friends and family I will be good. I am tring to figure out my emotions, but fail at every turn. I have decieded that that past is the past and there is no seanse in fixing what is done. All I want to do is remeber the good times, but latly I am fixed on the bad. Not just in my personal life, but family, and work. I have decieded that I am appling for a mentor program for the MTP schools and to work the door and the Blue Goator bar. Contemplating something that will help me find my passion again. I fell as if I am a total lost. I am gonna go back to thearpy and hope they will give me the tools I need to fix my life. With the prostpects of a new job I have decieded to sell my car at tax time, I dunno what I'm gonna get, but beat your ass it will be another hot car. I am gonna go on a much needed vaction. I was planing on going to London over Christmass, but have changed my mind and am going to London in June. Maybe, I won't come back maybe I will. I just want to be happy. It's been years since I felt happy and I 've noticed today I miss it like no other. I am not meant for a relationship happiness, but happiness in my proffisonal life. My goals are changing. Although I want to be an educator, I want my own company. Nothing big but nice. I want my own bars (serires of bars), chain of movie theaters. I want a kid. I don't want a kid with my DNA, we all know that would not be the best. My DNA is basicly unknown and I think I am gonna keep that. I have realized that I don't need to know who my father is, nor which person is my grandfather. Although, those things are swell I don't need them. I know who loves me and who doesn't and I am just fine with the people that love me. Never again will I allow myself to get hurt. To get hurt makes you valunerable to be valunerable is to be weak minded. We all know I am not weak minded nor am I valunerable. I noticed a wierd change in me. The old me is gone the new me is kind of more fun. I want to go places I don't want to be home, but I don't want go to the bar. Drinking has lost all fun for me. I would like to end this update with a quote, however I can't remeber who said it; it's just one of those quotes you know exist, but can't remeber who said it. "My pen is the sword and my brain is the theasurs. As long as I have ink, my pages will be filled. My theasurs is my brain. My brain can swim the deepest lakes filled with words. As long as the lake is full I shall never be at a lost for words."