I have come to relize I am a better person then I thought I was. I geuss you could say I've had an apthany (sp if you know the right spelling for it let me know). I have realized I want nothing from my father. All, I want is to send him a letter and a picture to show him that without him I have become an up-standing person. The child he wanted dead and always wanted turned out pretty damn good if I say so my self. So for that fact and only that fact I will send him that note. And, when he dies I plan on going to his funeral just to see him for the first and last time. My, real concern is when I die, and if there is a haven will I have to see him. But, if my beleafs come true then I will proaly re-live my life, but if my life is good now and I am happy (dispite this unshakeable depression I am happy). Then what mistakes would I have to make.
This is the list of things I feel I do right.
1) Stand up for people that can't. The ill ones.
2)State facts when people are feeding lies to me or mine.
3)Defeand the people that mean the most to me.
4)I don't hold grudges unless you hurt me or mine.
5)I am not the jealous person. I am also happy for people that get things the proper way (work)
6)I am not really a racist. I just hate all people the use the system, people, and that don't like something cuz they are afarid. (sexuality)
7)I would give the shirt off my back if it would help one of mine.

Seven good reasons why I think this might be my last life as me. I wonder. I know it could have been better, but I don't think I would want any of it to change. The events in my life made me the person I am. I just have to make sure I remeber them. If I can do this I will not lose my roots...

This is the dream I had.

Picture it my room around 5:30 am (black and white). I was laying on my bed as if I were being crusifade (sp.)(Note I was hoviering over me in my bed.) I heard in my left ear "just slit'em let the scream roar from within. Let your pain end." Then at aproaxamtly 5:31 am I am awake. I have been awake ever since. This is really creapying me out. Could it be a sign that I should be less mean? Or am I just down in the dumps tring to grab a melonchly existince? I don't know what to do... I GIVE UP!!

You know what I miss a lot of things we would do as a group. I mean I like change. I mean I ended a long term job and now have two new jobs that are alot better. The one thing I dont miss is my phone. I mean I use to enjoy getting text messeages, phone calls and pictures, but now it seems to be getting out of hand. Just today I have recived 100 messages. I woke up at 11 am. this is rediculus. I am half tempted to cut my phone off all together. Maybe, I will just start shuting it off, at night. If I do that then some one who will need me to pick them up for some damn reason won't be able to get a hold of me. then I would be in all kinds of trouble. ERRRRRRRRR. Would Verizon let me set it up where I can say what messages and phone calls can go through until a certain time?? God that would be wonderful. But then the operator would end up tearing her hair out with some of the bullshit that gets sent to my phone. Lets see what else...

Oh, so my Uncle got arrested. They plastered his name and mug shots all of the news down home.
Kraig left to fend for myself this weekend it's kinda lonley. I miss him and he's only been gone a day. That fucker made me fall in love.

Hello, I have no clue what to write about. I am so confused... I don't have a clue why. My Doctor thinks I need to have some kind of mind drug. He thinks that my depression is making me ill. So after the blood work is done I will be part of the sedation crowd. Does that mean I will fit in more with the Orange County Crowd??? He laid out my option. Almost, all, of the drugs have sexual sideffects. I have no clue. I geuss I will take the meds, cuz the self-medications I have used have not worked to my liking. I will do what I need to do to get back on track.

Okay, this can and mostly will only happen to me. The following events are true word-for-word.

1) I had two jobs and going to school, not full time, but more then parttime. I stopped going to school in December, quite my job then three months later quite my other job. I spent a total of one week unemployeed. I had a interview at Meijer they then called me the day of my interview and said I start Thursday at 10am.

2) Block buster calls wanting to interview me. I go Friday at 2pm (It was suppose to be tomorrow at 1.) In the voice mail the lady left me she said "she wants me to accept the interview."

3) I go from two jobs and school to nothing then to two jobs and school all over again.

I have further decided I NEED A MOTHER FUCKIN VACATION. I will have my debt controlable in June. And have already told Meijer I will need a coupld of days off in July around my b-day. I figure, now, that the vast majority of my friends are working and over the age of 21 we could go to LAS VEGAS. I fiugre what the hell, why can't we go to a city where it is legal to get so tore up and almost normal to get married at the same time. And if Jeff comes he'll be able to kill the hooker of his choice and if Dan wants we can brury Chris out there as well.

Okay, I have a lot to say and I either don't want to say it or I don't know were to begin. Still, in love, yeah. We are doin' better then well, but we do have our moments. I think I screwed up big time. The people who read this know that, I don't handle death well. I have to blame it on the fact that I have never had any one, extremly, close to me pass on. Yes, I know a grandmother passed-away this time last year. But, in all honesty I have never really thought about lossing someone close to me. I know we all die and I think about death more then a little bit. I see through my, love, how I am proally going to act; the same way he is when my grandmother passess (but for him his grandfather passed). The only thing is that I would proally be tring to control more of everything, but that's me (the control freak).
I see that love of mine hurting so much, but I don't know what to do.

Still out of work, but my family is not really rushing me. They, gave me till June to find work. My cousin think I might work for GM or something along those lines this summer. Here's hoping.

Hey, I am thinking about haveing a painting party one of these days. I will have pizza, snacks, beer, liquor, and other things that people want. I will have paint and all those things too. Dress in grubs.

FUUUCK!



I should have never of gotten up this morining. First off I almost died going to work my breaks went out. Then, on my way to get a different job my ball joint broke (again). Then, my machanic tells me I need powersteering, shocks, breaks, and a couple other things that don't need fixin' right now. My Mom is giving me the money for it. So on my way home, my phone dies. Verizon takes care of it no problem. I walk out of the store and have a flat tire. No big; I put air in my tire and it's all good. I get home it's flat again, my rim is bent. I thought to myself "well the rims were cheap maybe I can get one for cheap." I ate those words. 136 dollars for one rim. I was like what? I didn't pay 500 for rims and tires. So fuck fuck fuck fuck. I can drive on my dount for a spell, but I mean shit what else could go wrong. I want my mommy....

I would rather have my love though.

Well the job out look is getting better by the day. I have a feeling I will be employeed by the end of next week. I would perfer the end of this week, but I won't hold my breathe. For those of you who care I have been out of the loop the last five days, becuase of pnemonia (I blame Chris). I have wierd feeling that I am loosing control of my life. I am deeply in love, but fear that I will lose this love if I don't gain control again. Thus why I am going to shower, shave, and GET A MOTHER FUCKIN JOB!!

Hey world. I am starting to think Rachel and I are the only people that update on an almost the only people who update their blogs. Where are all the people at. I know you're all not doing homework, who does homework anymore??

This is just my luck.

I had a tooth ache lastnight. I endedup takeing like three or four asprins (not at once) just to get ride of the pain. I did call the dentist and had me come in today. They took x-rays and looked at my tooth. Nothing visibly wrong with my tooth. This lead my dentist to say that I will have to go back and have the spcealist look at it and fix it. I will end having to have a deeper rootcanal done. She, thinks they might have missed a large part of the nerve. I now have to go back and have the cap taken off and have the nerve taken out. I will end up being knocked-out. Only, I would have to have my tooth re-routecanaled.

This is the scoupe folks. I want to see "Riverdance" Rachel seems to be intrested in going. I thought it would be fun to see if we could get the group to go. Cuz the majority of us are in school tickets would only be like 12 dollars. The boyfriend can't make it and I really want to see "Riverdance". Irish music, dancing; what could be more fun? Come on, after the play we all could go to the bar and pretend to beIrish and get snot faced. Jeff I'm talking to you....

I have been feeling a little down and am not sure why. I read some where that if you clean up your surroundings that might help you feel better (not that I live in complete filth, but I geuss my car and room could use a good cleaning). I need to find a night job just for sanity purposses. I actually feel help in my realtionship. I have never been happy to hear from someone on a daily bases. That is saying a lot for me. I mean my own mother gets on my last nerves every now and then. I need to do something that doesn't cost me a lot of money. On another note I am caught up on my bills; now if I can just pay off my last two cards off I will be just fine. bye all.

Back from Chicago.

I had fun... Jeff and I had a 92.50 dollars bar tab our first night. Then midnight we bought Rachel a Bombcicle. Were after that we went to T.G.I.F'S for a snack. Our, waiter was gordon and French, and GAY. He really, reminded me of Lyrch from the Adam's family. Then we cliberated her birthday. I took it eaisy cuz of my anckle. I liked it I proally would have liked it more if it weren't so damn cold. Kraig wants to go so, we might go this summer or something.

I have done the impossible two things for me.

I have been involved for about two almost three months. I have also gotten so cheap that I have put over 30,00 miles on my brakes. I am really anal about car repairs. Had a friend check it out and all i need are front pads. Pads are like 25 dollars. So for about 75 dollars, 25 for brakes and 50 to buy beer, smokes, and food. That still beats 200 dollars for a brake job. Yay me. Well I have to get in the shower and pick of my love from his place. I love haveing somone like him in my life.

P.s.

Rachel I will have the rest of your money for you on friday I think.

Where has all the parenting gone?

They put T.V. shows on showing the disobeidant little children. Who in there right mind would let a child tell them what to do or act in such a mannor. Let me tell you if my child ever acted out in such a mannor there ass would be red for a week. I hate the fact that discapline in the family is wrong. I think a lot of old fashioned ways are good. I don't think a child should be beaten with a belt. A bare hand across the butt is more then enough. Now, I don't want to hear that in todays world parent hate punishing there kids, because they both have to work 40 plus hours aweek to mantain a descent living. My mom was a single mother, worked two or more jobs. When I acted out I would either recive a spanking, or she would threaten me. I think I turned out pretty okay.

Now, for you pre-teens and teens who think you're grown. You're not. You should be thankful that teachers can't spank or hit a student, I know many students at the school I went to and work at who would have greatly needed it. If I would have acted like that when I was in that age, all the privilages that were given to me would have been taken away.

I must say thank you for raising me the way you did mom.

Does any one ever feel like there's a little guy (women) in the back of your headfighting sanity and insanity? I feel as if the one of the little people in the my head is losing the fight for sanity. I just wonder how many more sane years I have left. I wonder if I will be one of those old farts that walk around flipiing the bird to kids, and telling other people just to plain old "fuck off." I would like atleast fourty or fifty years left before I am that to far gone. Well I am off to a Christmas party.

I think I've been hanging out at the bar to much. I don't drink that much, but I have to start getting to bed eairler I have to hang on to my tutoring job atleast till I find another one. I am so happy to be done with the shit hole at the end of the week.

I don't get it.

Seriously, what is your problem with me, you didnt like me from the start, but yet you come with Rachel and Dan to celebrate my birthday. Im just kinda curious. You seem really negative about things and you never really got to know me personally so why hate. Anyway, Im not scared of what you think. But even Rachel has invited me to her birthday party at her new apartment. So, what do you have to say about that. Im not being a bitch either, im just telling you the truth. Pam

Why me. Well this was my response.

I don't like you for many reason. I don't like what you did to Jeff. That is enough for me to not like a person. Plus, I don't think you get what it means to be Christian. Christians have deep moral control. Which you have proven time and time again you don't have. And Rachel is free to invite you to anything she wants. I plan on being at her bday party too. But I won't go out of my way to make you feel welcomed towards me nor will I be an ass to you out of RESPECT for Rachel. However, if I see you in public I shan't be aknowlegding you in any way. I hope this will get a point made to you. The circle of friends that I have know how I feel and they have approved my attitude. If you don't like it tough


Since, when do I have to explain myself to people can't I just not like somebody any more. I mean really we all are in the real world. I don't like you I don't like you. GOD