Change is Good.

Rachel helped me (well did a lot of work) for my new page. I like it a lot it is very different and that is what I want to go for. I am tring to change and be a happier verison of myself, but I'm not sure what else to do. I can't afford to buy new clothes nor take a trip. However, I do want to go to a far and distint place, Amstedam, Italy, Ireland, anywhere but here. Well I am off to sleep for school night all.

Life is A Bitch!

My car is costing me about 900 dollars that I don't have. I need two new tire. I had a blow out on my way to work to day, that caused me to leave early that equals less money in my paycheck. Secondly, my car needs a new engine bolt. That means they have to unhook my motor then retherad the opening and replace it and hook it all back up. 600 plus. Shit it might even be a nice thousand dollars. Tires fine I can put those on my Sears card. The motor bolt with cost me, cuz my thousand dollar card is at the max. All I can do is hope to finish my FASA forms so that I can get that check and pay off my bills and get my car worked on. God I can't wait to go to the Doctors tomorrow and see if I can get meds. err life is a whore.

Thoughts of Suicde!

Well, I have been feeling a little down and I hoped it would have passed, I was wrong. Last night I was thinking about how easy it would be to slit my wrist. I then knew I needed help. I am going to the Doctors Friday at 9:40 am. I am hopeing that he will give me something, because I really don't feel like talking to people about my scary little mind right now. Furthermore, I don't know where I would start to list my problems. They really would range from step-dad's mental issues (drinking), moms needing to have everything done one way, right to school, work and any little problem in between.

I have been contemplating self-medications, but that would not be very healthy for one to do. I don't much care for the ideas of anti-depressents either, but anything has to be better then this. Well now I must go and finish my homework.

Random Thoughts.

I have everything, but want nothing.

I need nothing, but crave everything.

I am not happy nor am I sad.

I am not depressed nor am I repressed.

I think to much and over analyze, this life.

This is my life and I can't wait for it to change.

I have had these feelings for a while now and they just won't go away. I can't help, but wonder what is the problem with me. The things I love no longer bring me plessure, the things I hated still make me suffer. I fear that this life will get me down more and more. I refuse to go and seek help for fear of being locked away. Since I have returned all I have wanted is to leave again. To often, have I dreamt of getting in my car and leaving. I know running from the past is not the answer nor is confronting it. The past is just that the past and it is dead, but yet it lives on in my brain; which I have, recently, discovered to be a scary place. I dream of a life where I can be free. I realize that I do a lot of this myself, but I don't get how to stop it. Is it wrong to love what I have, but want to change to so very much? Oh how I wished I had the answers for all the question I have in my head. Oh won't somebody come and save me from this torture I, have, to call life? I wonder and pry that someday I will have the passion I once did. Never wanting to back down from a fight, well verbal one. But, for now, I have to live with my broken sprit and I hate it. Will I ever be happy again?

Yeah I Did It. What's Your Point????

Find me on MySpace and be my friend!


Yeah I told you I did it here is the link to My Myspace page. bye

Three More Updates!!!

Hello.

Three more updates and I will have a hundred of them. Wow, that is cool, not really but I can fake it.

After this semster and winter, maybe even spring I will have my macro completed. That makes me really happy, because that means I get to go far away from this area. I was checking out Marqutte last night online and they have a pretty good job market. I figure that if I polish up my resume and shit I might be able to get a good job. Here goes everything.

My game plan.....

My game plan is to recive my Bachlors then go to a grauate school. Then some time after that is all done I will go and get a life....

Bonfire!?!?!?!?!

The fire was good, despite the fact that about everyone was passed out except for Jeff, Paul, and of course Rachel (who did not drink) and Chirs because I brought them. Chirs still can't hold his booze. I don't want to hear about your tolerencey level Chris. Also you have 40 days to find a Girlfriend that is visible, and willing to be seen with you in public. Also, this has to be a girl that you don't know. And when you loose you will owe be 40 dollars.

I really enjoyed myself; I got to drink, and Chirs got smashed after two drinks of his "Rum 151" dork. He kept falling over and laughing like a little girl. He also kept bringing back trees to put on the fire. Normally that is okay, but when the trees are wet it's not good.

The weekend after my 21 st I am borowing my parents camper and planing a camping trip. Chirs if you come you have to bring a tent; I don't clean up vomit. All is invited to the camping trip just pich-in for the booze and such. Also if anybody is interested in the camping trip let me know so that way I can plan and save up. Well leave a comment and let me know what you think, bye.

Halloweeen!

Looking forward to the "White Strips" tonight. Not quite sure why, I don't perticularly like the white strips ( I use it correct once, that's all you get.)

Really looking forward to Anna's Halloween party. Going to it as Jack Sparrow, as you all know. Miss. Rachel is doing my makeup, tattoo, and loaning me some of her hair, for my beard, perverts!

Ummm. I thought I had more to say about random shit in my life. I was wrong, now wasn't I???? Well this is my 95 update. 5 more and I will have a 100. Leaving now talk to you all later.

Screaming on the inside!

I am DEPRESSED! This time, however, it is worse then ever before. My independence is shrinking. I have to borrow money to make my car payment next month. I, almost, hate life. Conetemplating!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have an idea on what my book will be about when I start writing is unknown.

Some one Asked Me!

Some one asked me what my dreams and hopes are for the futrue?
I had no idea how to answer that question. I want a career, family, and a home, but I want more. I want people to know who I am and what I did. I know I really don't care for the idea of having to walk down the isle and saying " I do", when in reality I proably don't. I doubt that I would like to get devorced just because I don't like to share. Not that I am selfish ( my friends all know that I would give the shirt off my back to help them out) I just don't like the idea of shareing my kids, If any at all. I also look down at the idea of spliting my assest in half because I don't care for this person anymore. I do like the idea of growing old with somebody and to have somebody there to travel with me. I mean I can have a home, kids, career and more, but do I need to get married. Espcially if you add in the fact that I don't belive in true love. "Love is an abcess that forms in the heart and burst in the ass." Quote from my great-great-grandmother, I think. I mean if I choose to have kids I can adopt. I mean I was raised by a single parent for the most of my life and I turned out just fine. I think I feel this way because I have yet to see a marriage work from beginging to death. I will say this marriage has its up and downs but can anyone tell me the real point behind it. Many people get married because they are pregent, scared of being alone, money, I mean the list goes on and on. But why do so many people get married and devorced and married agin. To me it is pointless but to each there own I geuss.
To answer the question, I want my career first, to educate people, and own my own business, have a home, and then kids. I really don't see a wife in the picture until I am old. I don't think I am wrong to say this or think it. It is the way I want my life to be and the way I need it to be. Granted I won't have somebody else to help me out with problems but I will have family and friends, right? Well I am off to bed to better comtemplate my life and ambishins and such. Let me know what you think.

Why?

This post is entitled "Why?" Today I had a cheap affair with a person from work. Not the one that I really have a crush on but a girl that was willing to have just sex. I realize as a man I should be like HELL FUCKING YA! But part of me says " You should have waited a little longer." I think about the first time I had sex and the times inbetween and this time. They have not been realtionships but just, no strings attached, sex. I like it for the most part; espacially when they come back for more and more. But I geuss I am just looking for that person that is more then a good lay. But inorder for me to do that I geuss i need to get out and meet people. Hmmm? easier said then done.

I Want To Go Somewhere Fun.

I have been looking into vactions. I can fly to Paris for just under 1,000 dollars a person, or Italy for the same amount, or San Diego. I really want to go somewhere for spring break. If anyone is semi-interested in going somewhere, fun and different, let me know. I might even think about New York. Let me know.

Toga, Toga, Toga!

Well I was talking about haveing a Toga party, since last night at least. I ran it through the Mother, surpriseingly enough she said " Well, there is no way I am going to miss a Toga party." "You're turning 21 next year so on July 15, 2006 we will have a Toga party." All of my friends are invited plus a guest. One or two catches. 1) EVERY ONE MUST WEAR A TOGA. ( A sheet tied into a not over the shoulder. Need better example Willma flintstone's outfit. 2) You drink you sleep here. I will be mailing out invites sometime in March or June. It's going to be raither small. My friends plus twenty or thirty people so fourty or so people. Please let me know if the three people that seem to read this, will be showing up?

To Whom It My Concern.

What is worse, feeling feelings towards somone who is so far out of your league that you could only imagine being with them. Or have such strong feelings for a person that if they felt that way about you, as well, that niether of you can act on these feelings? Well, this is my predicament and I think I am just going to stay friends with this person and never let my feelings show. For the simple fact that I don't want any wierdness between us.

Furthermore, I want a new screen name and have no ideas on what to change it to. So, if any of you have any ideas let me know. Bye.

Hi Y'all.

Sorry about not updating, but I don't feel to bad about it not a lot of people are updating either. Well I am now 20 years old, about 12 days ago. I have been busy I didn't take the Janitor job at work, kind of happy about that one though. it would have been just a lot more work and less time to do what I want. Lately I have been doing what I want more and more then normal. I have been craving some whieght lifting (Hmm Quinn maybe you could help me with that one). Guess I want to start my new year goal a little sooner. Seeing that I have already accomplished my goal for '05 get a job, keep it longer than three months, buy a new car, ( 99 dodge avenger) and losse 20 lbs. I did not do it in that order.

I think you all know that I had an awsome time you Eurpoe. If not then ask me, I will tell you all about it. Looking forward to going back to school. I think I am going to work a lot harder in school then I have in the past. Because, I am still considered a freshman until winter semster I think I am going to take 20 credits that semister then that will be about 47 credits then take about 13 credits in the spring so that way I can transfer to SVSU. WELL if anyone cares to leave a comment, that is fine with me.

Hmmmm?!

I have done a lot, but I don't feel like make a post, telling about them so oh well I am not going to.

Back from Europe!

Yes, I had an awsome time in England and Paris; I can't wait to go back in a couple years and go to Amsterdam. Three years from today my family is going to take a cruise from New York to England. The history and buildings were just mind blowing. I advise any one if they want to go and don't have a lot of money use priceline you get a lot for your dollar. Well I could talk for hours about my trip and such but my body is still on england time and I'm going to use it to my advantage and get stuff done today. Give me a call or something later.

So, yeah!

Well I leave for Europe on saturday getting a little nervous/excited about the hole flying thing; I have never been on a plane before.
Went to get an estimate done on my truck. Feel in love with a car there that my grand-father had at his shop. So when I come back he is going to sell it to me. Just to let you all know it is a white Dodge Avenger, this car is clean in side and out.
To help me pay for this new toy I got a promotion at work. I am now 3rd shift Janitor, head janitor and make good money. I make roughly 2.10 more an hour and it is 40 hours a week that is going to kill me when school starts up. well I am off to get ready for my last shift in my monkey suit talk to you all later.

this one looks fun.

1. Reply with your name and I will write something I like about you.
2. I will then tell what song reminds me of you.
3. If I were to apply an o'clock to you, I'll tell you what it would be.
4. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.
5. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.
6. I will tell you what color you remind me of.
7. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. Put this in your journal.

Summer.

This is going to be an amazing summer, for me at least. I am going to England and France, maybe Switzerland too. I am getting either a two door Tahoe I saw at a dealship or an Oldsmoble, for my birthday, I have to make the payments, however. I am turning Twenty; one more year before I can leagly drink. That is going to be a 7 day party there, I think I might take the week off from work and fly to Vegas. I am bored now and I have two days off back-to-back, if any one wants to do something hit me up. I think I have running around to do in the morning on monday, but then I am free till wensday when I have to close. TTYL.

Keys To My Heart. If anyone cares lol.

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.
In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.
You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.
Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.
You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.
In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What The Hell.

So yea, I got into the car accident and it took them two hours to write a ten line acedient report. That's not the hole story. So a state cop sees and hears that there was an accident and says that she can't do anything about it and that the township was bussy and they would be by in twenty mintues. Normally I would be a pateint person. But, after two hours my lower back started to hurt up and down my spine and through my kidneys. So finally when the cop that wrote the report up showed up it took about ten mintues. Even he was out raged about the problem. He said that the first state cop should have written the report up. Now I ask you what is wrong when police don't help some one in need. It was rather obivous that I was injured because I couldn't really stand up stright or sit for and amount of time. Luckily I have no majior injuries and the truck just needs a new bumper. That is all.

Your Birthdate: July 16

Your birth on the 16th day of the month gives a sense of loneliness and generally the desire to work alone. You are relatively inflexible, and insist on your being independent. You need a good deal of time to rest and to meditate. You are introspective and a little stubborn. Because of this, it may not be easy for you to maintain permanent relationships, but you probably will as you are very much into home and family. This birth day inclines to interests in the technical, the scientific, and to the religious or the unknown realm of spiritual explorations. The date gives you a tendency to seek unusual approaches and makes your style seem a little different and unique to those around you. Your intuition is aided by the day of your birth, but most of your actions are bedded in logic, responsibility, and the rational approach. You may be emotional, but have a hard time expressing these emotions. Because of this, there may be some difficulty in giving or receiving affection.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

What a Wicked Web We Weave Once We Practice to Decive.

That is a line from one of, William Shakespears play. I do like a lot of his plays, don't ask me why I just do. Do many people like things and don't know why? I do I like them, but I couldn't explain why if I tryed.

I talked to my boss about hours and asked if I could get more hours, seeing that I have an open avlability. So I have been getting awsome hours and I thought I would love it. How wrong I was. I have 34 and a half hours for next week and only one day off. Then my next schdule is turning out to be even odder. I will be working a double or two on saturday and friday, maybe even sunday I am not sure yet. I figure the more hours I get the better, but at what cost to me. I don't sleep much and I haven't had time to hang out with any of my friends, not that they have time to hang out either. If they do we have a schdule conflict. To tell you all the truth I don't know why I take the abuse of working my summers away and working and going to school all this time. To remady it I have been looking into studing aboard. Supposedly SVSU has a really good program for that. So do a couple of other schools I am looking into. I might have to just say hell with it and go to either CMU or OSU. Just for the room and bored that way I don't have to pay rent and I can save up so I am able to study in France, Ireland, England, Germany, Italy or any other country I so choose. well I have typed enough for one day so I will chat with ya'll later.

You Are 50% Normal (Somewhat Normal)

While some of your behavior is quite normal... Other things you do are downright strange You've got a little of your freak going on But you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself

How Normal Are You?

The Concert. By Ryan Palmer Ruiz de Castilla.

Rachel and I went to the Luda concert. Yes I enjoy Ludas music. I did not enjoy the two opening acts there. I thought they could have actually played some decent music. However, Ludas performance was rather good. Dispite the fact that he only played 45 mintues, that was longer thenI had expected. I honestly thought that SVSU just said luda was gonna be there. Because after the concert started at 8:30 (half hour late) the two opening acts then sucked and they were booed. What shocked me the most was the fact that there was no roits. Granted the concert mainly contained white kids that think they are black. But serisouly if I ever say lets go to a concert and they don't have an opening act right on the ticket, please shot me. Anyways I would like to see luda again but maybe at the civic center not the Ryder. P.s quinn the ryder center is way over rated.


On another note I am thinking about the casino on saturday. Any takers other than Rachel?????? I should be able to get out at around 10-11 12 am at the latest. Hti me up if any of ya want to go.

So Gorssed Out.

It all started out inocently enough then went to hell and a hand basket. I thought I would look at Ebay. com for some cars, seeing how Autotrader.com wasn't working for me, but no because I failed to payattenion my finger sliped and sent me to the wrong site. It wasnt not ebay but egay. I never rebooted a computer faster then I did at that excat(sp) moment. So if you don't see me at Delta things went bad for me. ;( that is all for todays update I am sure I will post again but not until friday night after my concert. Rachel if I don't ask you did you get friday off.

This is going to be a very long day for me.

Ok, Since I have been back I have not had a day to myself. That means that I have been working from April 2nd through today, that is roughly 17days. In the last two days I have gathered about 8 hours of sleep. Not good, because I have a 12 hour day yesterday and a 10 hour day today. With me working at 1:30 on tuesday I have to have all my homework done tonight, inorder to get a decent grade in my classes. To explain to you how tired I am, let me tell you about how I feel. My head hurts (brain wise), my eyes hurt (no contacts for me today,) and I can't, really, feel my legs very well.

Furthermore, all day, so far, I have had the feeling that I have been, being watched. Infact, my eyes are playing tricks, cuz whenever I look into the monitor I see some one right behind me and when I turn to look at this person I do not see them. And no the reflection is not of myself. I have not lost my mind, anyfurther then what I have thus far. Now I feel that I am rambling on and on, so I will take my leave as of now.

Why do I (We) Do This To Ourselves?

It is mandated that we go to school, at least, from Kindergarden- our 16th birthdays. Some of us go through High school. Then some of us to college. For what? Ultamately it is for money. But some choose a carreer that says here I am. Is it worth the money, time, and studing when we could be haveing fun. Instead we are stuck in a build two or more days a week. When, we are not inside we are working on papers or studing for classs, and then we work. It is a viscous cycle. That basicly is boiled down to money. The better of an education we get the better paid we become. If this is so, why are so many of us out of work? There are some collage grads that make 6 dollars an hour. Hmm! this is so wrong. We go bankrupt to get an education and then have to work meaningless jobs to pay for life. Until we find the job we went to school for, if that ever happens.

I Feel Like Shit.

Not, because I am sick, but because I can not afford to move out this summer. I really feel bad because I let Rachel down. If you know me I really don't like to let my freinds down, well at least I think I don't let them down. I am really mad with myself for letting me get so far behind in bills, agin. I just hope that she is not to pissed off at me. Well I am gonna go to bed and cry about my bills see you later.

My Theroy on Love!

First of all, why do we, now a days, feel that there is love in the world? Granted that you are suppose to love your family, but do you really. When a parent dies or Grandparent, we cry and morin. Are we crying because we really did love them or because we last a confidant? That is the norm. What I don't get is why are people looking for Mr or Mrs. Right. Why can't we just find the Right person for right now. Two people in my English class are ingaged to be married. If you are in love why do you need a piece of paper telling the world you are in love. Now, people get married for health insurance and a reteriement, I get that. When our parents were married it was either convenit, gotting of a child, or love,so they thought in many cases. Most of my friends have parents that are split up. Come to think of it I have two freinds that parents are married. I don't think one set of parents are happily married however, but I can't speak for the other ones. And if you want to get technical my mom has never been devoriced. She never married my dad. He was, in her words, Mr. Right now. I myself fell love is bothersome, yes sex is good but in our times we have a lot to worry about, STDS, kids, yes kids have always been a problem but still the teenage pregnecy is at all time high. I don't know am I just not getting it. I am that selfish that I don't want to share my life with a person. Or am I just a confermed Bachlor, for life. Or is it all possible that I will find the right person for life not for now? I don't know but I do know this I will not hold my breathe for said person. If you are out their and you are into a lot of the things I am into then leave me a message, if not piss or get off the pot.

I'm Back From My Vaction!!

I have to admit this, I LOVE THE SOUTH. Not just for the weather, that is the iceying on the cake, but I love the people. Not one rude person, except for the bitch at universal. I mean they all say "Hi honey, how are y'a?" "Do you want a Soda?" I was at the bar in Daytona with Grandma and Amber, and the bar tender was so sweet and hot. Every time she asked if we wanted a beer we all said "yes please." She commented that we have very nice manors or we have worked with the public and know how they are. Actually, my grandmother said both.

Later after we poored Grandma into her bed and my cousin mooned my mom. Amber and I went out. First so we didn't have to make an extra stop we hit the head. When I walked into the lobby bathroom, there were three very drunk college kids seeing how far they could piss. Needless to say that I saw more then I really cared to. Then when Amber walked into the bathroom there were two girls in one stall, she was pissed because they didn't invite her. Well we went out and watched the cops pull over 30 cars amin, well something like that, and saw a lot more drunk kids. There was this kid maybe 16 that had a fake ID bathering this nice girl so Amber and I went up and said "Honey I'm back" and the kid wanted to take a swing at Amber. She of coruse said you hit me you go to jail. He didn't know she was a women.

Then the next morning we lounged by the beach and stuff then headed to Skip's house, my grandma's cousin. His house was in the middle of nothing the closet store was a half hour away. That was the longest 16 hours of my life as well as everyone else's. That night we were kept up all night by Skip and his Fince screwing around, as well as Skips' house mates. Then my grandmother wanted out of the house at the buttcrack of dawn so, she washed her hair in the sink. Now Grandma hates to sleep in underwear, and she wears nightgowns. Well while she was washing her hair in the kitchen sink the ass was hanging out. Well Ken wanted some coffee as we went there the almost ramed his stuff up grandmas bum. lucky for grandma she stood up in time. Well we left at 6 am, and that was the itchest time of our lives. We were covered in flee bites. Needless to say we all cused her out, it was her idea to stay at skips and nobody could think of a way out.

Then we went to unversal, that was fun I wished we could have stayed longer and that i was 21 and not 19 going on 20. The Mummy ride was awsome, liked the Jaws ride and yes I am admiting I like Scherik's ride.

Now for the part that I didn't want to do but ended up liking it anyways. Savannah Gerogia. It was awsome. The ghosts, the shops and the buildings. I have to say I loved it a lot. So to recap my mom talked to a ghosts, saw a lot of good and bad things at Daytona, Grandma getting ass checked by a Charles Manson look alike, and my grandmother cusing out this little old women for being a bitch. The saddest part was coming home to 50 degree weather. Well I have to shhower and get ready for work now talk to you all later.

No Idea You all Insert Title Here-

I have noticed that many people in Saginaw are oppsed to wearing a nice smelling fegerence. Friday and Saturday I was privy to some funky smells coming from many people I had to wait on at work. Then today I was walking behind this person who stunk like a sased-pool. I am not saying that I am the best smelling person in the world, but I try not smell like a damn bathroom. If I did I am sure that my friends would tell my I smell like a Jock strap or something along those lines.

Secondly, I am a bit confessed with life in general. How can I hate a job about 13 months ago, and actually enjoy it now?! I am not saying that it is any better but I actually don't dreed going to work. I half belive it is becacuse I need the money, and that two of the managers I did not get a long with are gone as well as the entire staff that I really did not get a long with.

Thirdly, I am going to florida in about three days. I can not wait to go, the weather better be fucking fantastic.

Fourthly, there is not a fourth. I just don't like odd numbers.
Bye y'all!


Mood- :)
Music- Death Meatal
Happiness Priceless.

A Great Day!

Okay I answered my Delima, I am going to ignore the whole thing. He has had twenty years to do all this, so that means that I can validate my anger towards him. I know have two jobs, well one and i am fo percent sure I have the other. However, I still will only be working six days aweek, at different hourly pay. And Meijer pays weekly but GKC pays biweekly that is cool with me though. If it comes about I can get a palce to live but the most I can afford is 150 a month. but I have to wait till the end of April so I can save my money. That is my day. How was yours?

What to do With My Delima.

I have this oppertunity to supbena my Father for a blood test. I was thinking that if it were a match than what would I do? Well first the ball would be in his court to see if he wanted a relationship (father/son) with his only son. To be honest I doubt he will welcome me with open arms. And if he did what would I do? I would like to think that I would have a relationship with him but would I regret it? Damn it I wish this oppertunity never came about. What would you do in my case??

I Feel......

What do we feel?
Is what we feel really what it is?
Is smooth really smooth or is rough really rough, or is it just what we are told it is?
When I cut do I bleed or am I healing, or am I screaming?
When I am hurt am I really hurt at all, or is it all tied in with what we are told is pain?
How do we know if we really exist?
If I died tomorrow would I be remebered?
If I die in 50 years will I be moraned, or will it be a great thing?
Or is this so called life really reality and what is reality?
Is this another persons dream and when this person die will we simply stop existing?
If I slap you will you feel it, and will I feel it?
What is pain but ananounce on a certain part of our body.
What is our body but merely a group of tissue and organs hidden by skin.
But what is a body but a mod-of-transprotaion from birth till death.

This is all a form of Pholisphy, or is it? Not really sure. This is truly the ramblings that have came to me in my class. Av'ur (sp)

Hmmmm!

I have been craving a ciggeratte all day. The thing is that I haven't smoked in a long time. In fact I think the last time I smoked was a the New years party at Jeff's house, and that was a cigar not a ciggereatte. I don't think it is related to stress of any kind I jusst think my body really wants to have a "cancer stick" as it were. In all reality I dispisze ciggs. But yet for the first time in a year+ I really want to have a smoke. I think it is a good thing that I don't have any money to buy them I proably would end up buying them. My only other option would be to bum a smoke off of someone else. I don't think I shall be doing that. So what can I do to get this craving out of my system, smoking is not one of them. Hmm. what to do . In other news I am bored shitless. I dont know why I am so bored well I am going to class and stuff so have a nice day .....

So Bored!

I started reading The Di Vincci Code, in fact I have read about one-hundered pages, compelted my homework, in record time, and cleaned my room twice. I think I can relate this all to one thing the weather. I have hay fever like spring will never come. I finally have proof that spring is going to be here. It will reach the early 40's by friday and I know it's not that warm but it is about 20 degrees warmer than what we have at this point in time. If the weather is right we could reach 50's by the end of the next week. (I am talking as if it is Monday not sunday.) For my sanity and proably yours as well I hope that the weather warms up and I can start to go outside and do shit...

P.s. does anyone know of places that are hirring at this time??

Only In America!

So my mom and I went out shopping for new clothes for sumer and my trips, and I thought it was going to be boring. So when I am at the cashier asked me if I would like to apply for a Penny's card; I said sure, thinking and hoping that I would not get aproved. Boy was I wrong. I got a new credit card. I am not working, and now I have another bill to pay each month so in closing I would like to say DAMNIT IT ALL!

Weather!

Is it just me or have the past two days, or so, been misleading? Yesterday I looked outside and saw the sun shining away. A last, I walked outside and felt the COLD wind blowing and making my skin hurt. Then today the same thing happened the sun is out, and there is an artic wind blowing. I am so looking forward to taking a trip. I am so bored with life in fact I even skiped a class this morning. Not to mention I am very stressed out about my personal life. So you all know it is turned upside down and making me want to binge drink. Well that is all for now.

I decided to do both!

If you read this, even if i don't speak to you often, you must post a memory of me. It can be anything you want, it can be good or bad -- just so long as it happened.Then post this to your journal. See what people remember about you...

Lost Fish!?

Okay, this is creeping me out, to no extreme. I was counting my fish, cuz I thought some were missing, sure enought I am missing a Rosie fish. So I ask my mum if she and Lacy got a dead fish out of my tank? She said no and why? well I am missing a fish i know a guppy died but I dont remeber flushing a rosie cuz that was a huge fish. So thinking that one of the kids got it and were playing with I called my grandmother, to see if she a had a fish in her suitcase. No luck. How in the hell can a 4 inch fish just disapare into thin water, or did it spontontainesly conbust, or did it jump out? If it did that, then my room would stink, no smell. Another theroy my mother has is that the ghost in the house took it. Yes my house is haunted, my mom and I hear voices in the living room late at night, no body is up, figures walking from the living room to dining room, and my grandmother has seen it. She actually made my mum sleep in the living room with her that next night. So I ask you have you seen my fish?

I have been feeling that my life has become mindnumbingly boring. I do the same thing day in and day out. So it occured to me that if my life is like this now how is it going to be in the future? I dont like things to become mondaine(sp) but I fear that they will become that way in the futrue. So it is up to me to change that. But to change I need money and that involves a job. Any ideas on places that are hiring? let me know.

I am so damn bored right now I dont have any words to explain it!

Looking forward to mid-semster break.

I have to say that I am rather tired of getting up for school write now. I know it is only twice a week but still, I should have know that I would get tired of the early moring B.S. So I am going to enjoy this week off. Maybe clean my room, Naah.

I called around and got a kick ass quote for a jeep, only catch is that they want me to order it. Hmm. I added the cost up and it would be the same as if I got it from the Dealer ship. The catch is that the one I order will be an automatic, worse gas mileage, but I can get a remote start put in. Hmm I think i will go with that.

The tentive dates for New York are July 24-27. So we will leave Michigan aroun 6:oo pm the 23th so we can check in or maybe a little later and sight see on the way there. If we don't site see on the way there we can do it on the way back. Catch the bathroom wil be shared, that scares me in a way. I will pay for the room, but gas cash will be needed on the way there and back. Well class is starting and my fingers hurt from typing all day....

No Title!

I have been sick this entire weekend. At one point I thought I might have to go to the hosptial. I had a fever of 102.9 and it was climbing. I have vomited three times, I have a sore thoart, and have been very dizzy. At one point I thought that I was in a washing machine. I also have a few bruses, and got some bloody noises. I wonder if I should be worried about that?

Why Do Needy People Like Me?

Okay, it all started with Jenny. Now this girl in one of my classes, is starting to come on to me. She is a nice person, but so not my type. No, I am not talking about physical looks. This is my findings on the subject matter. Today she told me that her boyfriend Chris dumped her. I barely know this woman and she is telling me this. Furthermore, she always has to be touching my arm when she is talking to me. She stops and talks to me when she is with her other friends. I do, however, think she just might want to be friends and I am so peranoid, that I am reading to much into this. Other evidence I have is that she is always telling me about the "guys" that find her atractive. Now I have just meet this person and she is telling me all this stuff. She is quit conclsive about her life. ( I think I used that word right anyways.) I feel it is odd that she is telling, an almost complete stranger, about her life, more important about her family and the guys, she is into. I hope I am reading too much into this, I like her but as a FREIND ONLY!

Also, today I meet someone very interesting. The most famine guy in the world, or atleast mine. He has hair down to his shoulders, two earings in each ear, red lipstick, eye makeup, and I believe he was wearing a womens shirt. Or I have just meet a very masciline woman at the gas station. Either way, this is really odd. He/She had more male fetures then female and had a deeper voice than I do. It also looked as if this person could bench press me, plus a few extra pounds. In conlcusion for the first time ever I hope that I did not offend anybody about the comments I have made on this site, if I did I am truly sorry for them. These are, after all, just ramblings and events that have happened or have come out of my mouth. Until next ya'll, have a nice day and don't let the little things bug you.

Valentines Day.

Yes I am aware that VD is not until monday, but today it is being celbrated at my house. My mom got my two dvds, and a new cd. I have not yet got her something, flowers are passa (sp), she is a diabetic, no choclate, got her a poem last year, I spent a lot on her necklace so jewlery is out. I have no Idea what to get her. If any of you webbers out there read this give me some ideas.
So I got bored and grabed all my CDs, and downloaded them onto my computer, for safe keeping ;). And I realized that I have about four tapes that I would like to hang on to, for a while. I really don't have any ideas on how to make them into a CD. I don't want to buy them all over again, that would be a waste of money. I went looking online (napster) downloaded some of the songs, but the rest they want me to pay for. Me being cheap right now I said no, any ideas on what to do???

Hmm.

I was at Delta yesterday, erecurting, to be more specific. And this girl walked up to me and said that I have pretty eyes. I don't know how she could tell by the end of the day my eyes were so dry and red, I could tell what color they were. I think she was just being nice. She really wasn't that bad looking though. But I really wasn't looking at her, I was just wanting to get out of that school. I don't know why I felt the need to tell the world that but I did and now I am off. good bye ..

I Have A Bad Case of the I Wants!

Lately, I have noticed that I am wanting more and more items. It is not because I do without, but because I have not been able to go shopping for these said items. When I go out shopping I can not afford to spend my money lavishly. I am lucky to put gas in my truck every week or so. I have made large accomplishments as of late, I have paid my credit card down. My accounts still are low, but with this changing economy I might have a savings account once again.

Throughout my time of unemployment (at my own doing), I have learned to proatize my money. The most important items get paid first, so on and so forth. Does this mean that I have grown up?? Or I am just wanting to be able to say that hey, I am unemploied but yet I still have an ok credit rating??? I think I am growing up. Last year I would have bought the items on my so called "I want list," and said that I will figure a way to pay for my stuff, later. I have learned that when you don't have any money you can not spend it. That can be troublesome for us college kids. To me it seems that every time I turn around I have to pay for something at school. In order to pay for this I have to borrow money hmmm, how do I pay them back?? That is why I love this contry, the Gov't will, usually, reinbures you. I for one like that. But it will not pay my parents, Grandmother, cousin, or my Visa. So that is where I am now, figuring out a budget that I don't have so I can start to pay these people back. Totallying the amount up I am in the whole about 3000 dollars. I have figured my budget, but inorder for it to work out, I need to have some form of income. I am too young to file bankruptcy, and I don't have any kids, so I can't get welfare. I have to get off my butt and get a job..... I have applied to about thrity different places and that was last night and the day before. So yes I am activly looking for employment, and the only standard I have is the refusel to flip burggers, at burger king.

I applogize if it seems asif I am bitching and repeating myself, also I am sorry for the length of this update. I will talk to all of whom who care later this evening online, while I update my reusme.... Goodbye for now....

Pissed Off Mood

I need a job, right? Well that is what I thought too, but my mom said that I can't commute to Citas. However, I really want the job pays good money, and bennifites. So instead I have to settle for 6-something perhour at a mindnumbing job. That is just one of many reasons why I need to move out and get my own place. AAAAAAAAAAAAaa!

Taking a Cue From Miss. Rachel.

Febuary, has made its mark on Michigan. The snow is, almost, all gone and the weather is warming up rather nicely. Even though today is a rainy and kind of crappy day, it still feels nice, to be driving in the rain, rather than the snow. Even though there is no sun, there is a hint of love in the air. However, I am not in love, but for some reason seeing others make faces at their loved ones is rather nice to see. Not!!! I do like this month for one reason, here in Michigan the second month of the year usually means the end of winter. With rain coming down apon us, and the snow everbreating into the atomsphe, it is comforting to know that the girls will be wearing there famous short shorts. I for one am ready to see all the attractive girls in short shorts, I am making a point, here, to tell you all if I see any fat chicks with cottage cheese legs they will be shot on site.

This could be good for someone, we all know, at a certain college on the other side of town...

I have Oberserved myself!!!

Okay, I have been very productive, well for me. I have re-mounted my amp, and bass adjuster, now they don't go flying whenever I turn a corner or hit my brakes :O. Speaking of brakes they actually failed me last night. I went to slam on them, to avoid hitting someone and yea I was better off just swarving to miss the guy. No damage done to my POS or the other guy.

I have done most of my homework and it is not even sunday :).

Last night I went out and saw the Buggyman. It was surpisingly good. The ending was a little weak, however. I did jump once, and that is good, because I am verutally desensitzed.

However my productivity, has slowed up a little. I need to clean my bloody room, and finsh my two hundered math problems. I just don't have any ambishen, right now.

I have however spent the moajority of my time looking for jobs. To fill you all in there aren't any in the city of Saginaw. If there is the top pay is about 7.00 per hour and that is after years of work. I have almost swallowed my pride and gone back to the Theatre, then it hit me I do not want to make that place a carrer, so I am not going back. Well I geuss I am gonna go and finsh my homework. Later!!!!!!!!

Growing Up, and the Pros and Cons!

Well, as we grow we get more freedoms, and responsabilties. Which is good and bad, atleast for me. I paid my taxes and I made a considerable less amount of money in 04 then 03, but I am getting a lot of money back from Uncle Sam, not enough to catch me up however. It is still more then what I got for the last two years. With my debt raising and my account diveing I think this will motavate me to get a job and then a second job. I am not totally broke but the bills are do and I have enough to last through next month. So I am now looking for a job, with Delta's help and then hoping that I can get hired from the job fare or
Disney. Crossing my fingers here but I hope, to be working by March debt free in April and have a savings account again in june through Auggust. Then I will be able to move out, maybe a little sooner then then.

Annoying Songs that Will Not Die, cuz they Are stuck in my head!!!

Well folks, the folds of my brain are at it again. From around 9 o'clock last night thru today, I have had a number of songs stuck in my little head. 1.) I want to run away now, by Durand Durand. 2) Facts of Life, theme song. 3) Sex and Candy, forgot who sang it. 4) Who Shot the sheriff, neither one I can't remmeber who sings. 5) Red Light Special TLC. 6) Theme song from Malcom in The Middle. 5) Water Falls TLC, 6) The Dope Show Marilyn Masson. This is the funny thing about all of these song I have not heard them for a long time. Further more, I barely like two of the songs on here, and I CAN NOT STAND THE FACTS OF LIFE, show nor the theme song. It is just cruel to have to hear these songs playing and playing in my head, especially seeing how some of them are just the first two or three lines in the song. For example I shot the sheriff, but I did not shoot the Deputy. Now say that twenty times today and you just migtht feel my pain. If that fails, sing the Facts of life theme song, you will want to throw yourself out of a window and hope to land on as many people you can before hitting the pavement. I know I want too. If anyone has any ideas, or names of songs that will not make me want to plumbit to my death please let me know ASAP. One more song just entered my head, Redneck Women by Grentchen Wilson, I think.

No title!

Normally when one of my friends are faced with a lost I can either relate, or be very sympathetic, just not this time. I want to say that this person isn't getting a lot of my sympathy because, the man who died was 83 years old. That was a long life. I don't think that there is anything wrong with me but I feel bad because I don't feel worse. Does that make any sense, to you all? To be a good friend, I am going to go to the funeral home, give my condolences and stay a little bit of time. Should I feel worse, then what I do? This is freaking me out man.....
This hole thing has gotten to me, and now I ask what do you believe is the after life like, if there is one.
According to the Butist (sp) you re-live your life until you get it perfect, then you are reincanatied into another living creature. Then some are believers have a Heaven. I would like to think that if there is an afterlife, and it is filled with people from your family, and past freinds. I do not like the idea that when you die you just stay in a darkness, and you see only what is around you. If this is true I think I would like to be creamatied and have my ashes spread throughout the water, europe and some left with my famil, so that I can see over them forever. So if I were to die tommorow will you see to it that I am creamted and that my ashes are sperad in the oceans, just the oceans. With my luck, my ashes would be swept up into a dustpan and dumped in a trashcan. Viewing a dumpsite for the rest of time, is not on my prioity list. Is it anyones dream to see that forever?

Many people bug me.

I am not a fan a people today. I don't know why but I have just been a little more cranky than usual. Today I snapped at someone just because I felt they took too long getting my stuff. I was the only one in there so I felt that they should have been able to get me my food right away, but know they took 10mins to get my food, damn fast food workers. In other news, looks like I might be able to get a new car on my birthday, that is if I am not working for Disney this summer, here's to hoping that I will be working for Walt this summer however, I will need time off for my European vaction. That however can wait I might be done with work by the first week of August anyway. Well that is all for this update I have nothing other to say to people. OH wait here is one more thing, I could snap at any minute. Bye.

Should I or Shouldn't I?

Well, Delta sent me an e-mail, I am sure all Delta students got it as well. Well I am serously contemplaiting the idea of working for Disney for the spirng/summer durastion. It is a paid internship, I just wonder how much money I will get paid, and if the take out cost of living, and all that wonderment(for use a better word). However if I put Disney under the refence side, then, it might help me find a better job, when I have to come back to this one horse town, and I might have enough cash saved up to buy a car, and maybe move out and get an apartment, that is if I can find a job when I come back. If you have an opioion on this let me know.

Sweet Procrastion, How I've Missed Thee!

It has seemed to me that when, I work I am more discplined. It just seems that way, when I had homework due on tuesday, and I worked on Tuesday I did all my homework on Monday, instead of Tuesday. I really hate being un-employed. Not because of the lack of money, but because I have too much time on my hands, that leaves me with thinking, and talking to my family, have you ever tried to talk to my step-dad, it is like pulling teeth from an infant.

Well I am really bored now, and I want to go and do something, seeing how I am not in the homework mood, I geuss I will just watch a movie.

You people seem down, Why?`

Okay, I have read Jeff and Rachel's blogs and they seem to be a little down, or just wondering what is going on with us (them) today. I am purposeing we all forget about what is bathering us for now and have some fun, Movie anyone?? Well, I am not up, nor down, just some where in between. I ask you this, Why..... (you fill in the rest.) Why do I have an urage, to pack my truck up and drive to a far away place, that won't stop my troubles, they will undoubtly follow me there. The urage is caused by wanting a break from the so called troubles, if I leave now, they won't have time to follow me right away, because I will be thinking about getting to where I am going. Then once I have a spear second, they will re-appear, and back to a different destaion. I could even go to in-comutocato, un-reachable. But I won't I will stay and fight another battle today and for the rest of my life, untill I get to go to my grave.... Just because I run they will follow me and if I stay here they will be right back in my head untill I have no troubles at all then that will be the day I die.....

I have a really cool short story coming up, just not now!

Okay.
Friday went out and ate with Rachel, Anna, Jeff, Dan, Alex, Josh and a lot more people too, they were the ones that cameout to my house afterwards. The food was okay, and the cake was good. One of the two movies was good. I also got hit by a damn deer. Sadly my truck is fine, luckily I am fine and so is Jeff. Well I have to go now and sleep.

Hey, just a quick post here.

Okay, I told Miss. Rachel what movies I have here, ( I will post them at the end). I also need to know who is coming here to watch movies, all is invited, but I just need the numbers.

American pie.
American Pie 2.
American Wedding.
Signs.
Spiderman 1.
Childs, play.
Taking lives.
Euro trip.
Sleepy hallow.
The order.
LXG.
Triple x.
Scary movie 1.
Scary movie 2.
Scary movie 3.
Panic room.
8crazy nights.
Scooby doo 1.
Scooby doo 2.
Murder by numbers.
Psycho the original.
The ring.
Wrong turn.
Fast and furious.
Austin Powers.

Austin Powers. The spy who shagged me.
Austin Powers Gold Member.
Gothica.
Boat trip
Texas chain saw mass.
13 ghost’s original.
8 mile.
Interview with the vampire.
Badder Santa.
House.
Elvira.
George of the Jungle.
Hocus pocus.
Howling III.
Jack Frost 2.
Curse of the Demon.
The Underneath.
The Serpent and the Rainbow.

Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein.
Silent Night Deadly night.
Studio 54.
Joy ride.
Mummy 1.
The Mummy Returns.
Halloween 1.
H2O.
Harry Potter 1.
Harry Potter 3.
Friday the 13.
Friday the 13 2.
Finding Nemo. Twister.
Big fish.
White chicks.
Bride of chucky.
Men In Black.
Idle hands.
Stigmata.
Blare witch.
Ace venture pet Detective.
The haunting.
Big daddy.
Next Friday.
Scream 1.
Scream 2.
Scream 3.
I still know what you did last summer.
Blade.
Vampires.
Batman forever.
Wild Wild West.
Fight club. Final destination.
End of days.
Mall rats.
Barb wire.
Liar Liar.
The sixth sense.

I have old hands.

I was bored today inbetween classes and I was looking at my hands and I noticed that they look really old. So I did that elasticity test on them and the knuckles took like 30 secs to snap back. Most of the skin on my fingures is still tight, but they just look really old. I wonder if it could be from all the sun my fingres get. This is starting to scar me or I am I just blowing this whole old fingures thing out of the water? Another thing I noticed is that my knuckles are really wide. I think it is from cracking them all of the time. well got to go for now class is starting.

What morals do we really have?

When you hear about a teenage lady and a 40 year old man are seen together we all say child rapist, don't we?! Everyday I see some old fart dating or "married" to this young bombshell, I want to tell them that they married them or are with them just for what little cash they may or may not have. That is not the point of this entry.

Who says that older women can date younger men, and most people have a tendency to say "Good for her". Most men say good for him he got a hot older chick all of the new sexual tricks he will learn, hot. But when a forty year old man dates a younger women of say 19 we all think Gross! However most men his age think sweet, he ditched the old ball and chian for this hot thing, just out of high school. What pisses me off is that because of T.V and News, people are afraid to date eachother because of the age differences. However, in the early years it was bery common for men to marry younger women. I'm not sure if younger men married older women, however, I do disagree with that. When younger men date older women, as my mom would say " It should be for a good time, not a long time." I have to agree with that in away. The cons of dating older women, Depending on the age, No kids, + and -, new sexual exprencies, short life expectency + and -. But women who date much older men they have to deal with immpotence and a weaker eraction. So I say as long as it is okay with both parties then let them be, provding that it's not a 16 year old and a 40+ year old going together, that should be the moral line of this socitey. Maybe I am just not really stating the point I wanted to, but I have stated one point that I agree with. There need to be a line drawn, but the only people that can make that point are the people that involved. So as children we have to let are parents know of the intenions we have with that person and to be honest with that other person and with ourselves.
AS we grow and raise our own children we must remeber that once they start dating, we can nolonger run their life. For fear that they will be pushed away and not aloud to say "told you so", just be a less blunt then that when all goes wrong, after all we had thoughs kids to show love, determion, strength, and for someone to take care of us when we leave our indepent lives and go back into diapers. If we put a wedge between us and our kids, we might have to go into a home, or worse yet not get the hot nurse that is hired to take care of us. So in short, what is the best way to let kids grow up?

Not Even Febury, Yet!

All right who in the hell came up with this day. Hearts, Cupids, and LOVE. I get people fall in love, but to flounet it in front of everyone else. You could say that I am a bitter person, and I hate romance, but I don't hate romance. Yes, I am a little bit biter, but live my life for a day and you would too. I know Valentines day is a little more then a month away, but I hate all that mushy shit. I would rather sit on a bunch of thorns, and have hemriods. For the romance part, if I had S.O.S. I would be romantic, providing that she doesn't piss me off to much. Maybe I just need to work on myself a little bit, but what could I work on? No, I am not saying that I am perfect, but who is? Tell me who is perfect and I will show you somone who is hiding something. Do not get me wrong I think starving to be perfect is, kinda of good, but let me ask you what is perfect? Men that are 6'ft tall, a perfectly cementrical face, pecks, six pack and that are so vein they have no time for anything else. Or women that are 5'5, small wasit, blond hair, blue eyes, and after every child they get there former waist back. Now let me ask you, who told you that this is the perfect looking person,( not the perfect one for you, I know what tells us that). I will tell you who told us this the same people that put people on the cover of magizines. I say we tell them what is perfect, but again to use the perfect person is what our brains tell us, not what the magiznes tell us. Then again our brains tell us what is perfect and the magiznes tell us who we should look and we all fall into that from time to time, don't we? well I got off topic and went from hateing Valentines day, to just complaing abaout life in general. See ya later.

I need to change.

Okay for those of who have seen my room you know what it looks like, for the ones that don't you should come and visit me. I want to paint my dark walls white, put this sound proof foam on my walls. Get ride of the Goth, but I kind of like my vampire, lamp, mirror, and devil poster. I want to turn my room back into a room, definitely get ride of the couch, and get my water bed back. However Lisa won't let me, " I don't have the space, in my room!" I do if I can get ride of my desk and a couple other things. Don't get me wrong I like all my stuff, but I want to go for the minimal effect in here. I don't know why though. So I purpose this plan, I WILL GET A JOB, AND THEN AN APARTMENT. After I pay for Europe. Well I really don't have much to say.

Oh, yea I forgot, I have lost 4 pounds, and have not drank any pop or caffeine for that matter, I feel great. I want to go out and celebrate this weekend anyone game?

Back From The Dead!?

Hey, folks thought I would let you know Im not dead I just have no news to write about, at this time anyways. I am in school and class is going to start soon so I will update sooner or later proably a lot later.

Ryan's Deep Thought of The Week.

Quite recently I saw a lady talking to herself, and I thought she must have had multiple personalities. Or whatever it is when they talk to themsevles. Onward to the thought. So I was thinking, that maybe we all have that mental disorder where we talk to ourselves and we don't really excise. Meaning that we are just really someone elses personality, and when we are not in use we live in what we call the "real world." But then I thought were do we go when we are in use then it hit me; when we are in use we sleep. If you think about it we don't all sleep at the same time. So I have to wonder if what we call 2005 isn't really there. And maybe the people we call friends are not there, and we can only see them because we are using the persons mind to produce them. But then again, what about the past of all of our friends. So I know that we all really do exist. All so from what I have been taught in Psychology is that I have oversimplifed life. That lead me to think what is the meaning of life. So this is how I can intrupet the meaning of life. Life is what we all want it to be. If we want to teach then we teach, we do what we want. The "bitter people" are the ones not making the most of life and say everyone is just dumping on them and that they are the "systems Bitch." Well that is all I don't think I have stated all that I wanted to nor that I stated it correctly but I do have a lot on my mind right now. So until I can speak about what I want, about what is going on in my life, well my family's lives, I am going to sign off for now and maybe I won't be back for a while well see y' all later bye for now.


P.s
I am going to Vegas for my 21'st birthday, anyone want to go let me know bye.

I need to say this!

Okay first of all I want to applogize to anyone that I might have offended. I am really and truely sorry if I was an ass too anyone last night. I also have a video tape of us drinking and if anyone wants a copy of the tape let me know and I will make you a copy. Watching the downward spiral of the drinking last night. How in the hell I didn't throw up last night I don't know this, but I think it was a good thing that I didnt; all the toliets were taken at one point and yes the bath tub as well. Hey is anyone really feeling the hangover effects from the party let me know, cuz I don't have one, hmm? Well I have to admit that I had a really great time at Jeff's last night and I do belive that we all had a lot of laughs too. Shot watching some of them trying to walk was fun in it's self. Well I'm gonna get going for right now I think I am going to shower and run to the store and pick up some blank tapes. Ps None of us (from jeff's party) can run for public office, see yaa!

this is a note to Ryan call grandma and make sure that jeff is ok to come to ohio.
I am totally drunk on januray 1 2005. Rachel please call me when u read this update. Well I am soo drunk I dont have a clue on what i am doing so hey i know i need a comma somwhere or even a period but i am too drunk to know this later to alll who can see this.

WHO THE HELL IS JMR?

I have no clue who this is so let me know!

Okay This Is My Promies For 05!

I was cleaning my room and I sumbled on my drivers liscnce, wow I still have my licnce, and I realized that I have gained some weight in the past three almost four years since I recived my drivers licince. Like soo soo many people I want to take it off; seeing how many diets fail. I refuse to diet, so I am going to get off the coach and lock up the keg, fridge and junk food cupboard, and exercise, both my mind and my body. I have been reading a lot lately and I like it, simply cuz a book doesn't tell you of the death and crime of now it gives us a fake one, and I like that. So in four years I have gain twenty pounds and I want to losse atleast thrityfive. that will bring me close to the ideal weight for my height.
No pop.
No carbs.
No chips. and so on and so on. Wish me luck! I'm gonna need it, later for now!

Should I or Shouldn't I?

I finished "Angela's Ashes" and "T'is" both memiors and autobigorphies. I was thinking if I wrote a book about my life, from start to now, would anyone read it? I have the start planned out, but how could I do it? My father leaving, way, before I was born the way my grandfather left my mother, the way my grandmother didn't raise my mother, and my IDIOIT step-father. If I write a book I have the begining and middle but no end, I have no end because im only 19. How ever I do feel that I have traveled far in my shoes and my shoes are going to take me even further. Yes if I wrote a book I do have a titled for it "My Promise." No it is not a working title. So I ask all who read this, should I write a book, or should I not write one?
Pleas note this is not a retorical question please leave my your opinon.

I Have No Life!

Nothing to do and no where to go. Life in this state and "town" SUCKS. Damn this layoff, if I weren't laid off I would be looking for my own place right now. I have decided that ,even though it is recomned that I stay at Delta for another four semsters, I am not. I am going to find a school in 1. Californa 2. Arizona 3. Flordia 4. Ohio 5. ANY SCHOOOL OUT SIDE OF THIS SHIT HOLE PLACE. I know this sounds like im just bitching about everything, I am, I have decided that the farther away I am, the better my life will change. I am hopeing that the memories will stay dormate and won't be brought up to be remebered any more. Lets see if I am right, however with my luck, I will have a lot of time to sit and think and the memories will be bright back up. So I geuss I need to be moving on and seek professional help, maybe I can get some good drugs from the "Proffesional" later!

I Hate Most of My Memories!

Looking back at the first couple of years living here, really sucked. We were truly white trash. Christmas sucked, and the attidude of my Step-father did not help at all. If I chose not to think of the past will I truley forget it? Well from what I have learned in Psych, I really can not forget memories, so what am I to do? I do not like my past and thinking about it kind of brings me down. As I notice through out life people with a bad past, turns out to be an Acohlic. I for one do not wish to go down that path, I have seen that past and it is not a promising one. Drink, get mean , treat people like garbage, and jail time. So I am not saying that I will never drink, but what I am saying is that I will never chose a life that revolves around the "Drink".

Sincerly,

Ryan Ruiz de Castilla.

Shaun of the Dead!

Well I have decided that Shaun of the dead is fucking great! It has death, comedy, and swearing. I say everyone should go and see this movie, or else. WEll for those of whom who dont know I have been laid off for the next two months. Well, I have a lot of time and no cash so if anybody can think of something to do hit me up.

Shaun of the Dead!

Well I have decided that Shaun of the dead is fucking great! It has death, comedy, and swearing. I say everyone should go and see this movie, or else. WEll for those of whom who dont know I have been laid off for the next two months. Well, I have a lot of time and no cash so if anybody can think of something to do hit me up.

ERRERRR!

So much to do and so much procastion..

Yes, I have homework to do, test to study for and I don't care I know all my grades and I will be passing with at least a C, after I fail my finials that is. Ya know I never really cared about my studies, we all know this to be true. I want to just shut down on my mental thinking and give my mind a rest, I can' t because I have so much to do and so little time to do it in. Oh well then I geuss with only one more day of school left till x-mass break, I dont care. I am still looking for a second job for xmass break, any ideas let me know.

P.S
I HATE BLUE GRASS MUSIC, IT GIVES ME A HEDACHE LIKE YOU WOULDN'T BELEAVE.

You Are the Individualist

4 You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself. You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable. You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt. Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel.

What number are you?

Wow I never Knew!!

2 Comments:
Jeff said...
"Well, not only would I get even.... but I can't be outdone by that sick fuck!I would go to his/her house (ex-wife anyone?) and tie that person to a chair. After the killer is secured in an upright position, I will punish the killer for hurting my "feelings." Castration would come first (or clitoris removal). I would then torture, search, and google until I knew the names, address numbers, and even hobbies of the family members. Then I would abduct, rape, and castrate (or remove a clitoris) the family as well. Finally. I will burn many houses down, and attack thumbscrews. After all fingers are broken (and toes), I would break some jaws, crack some heads, and maybe even pull a "Resevoir Dogs" on a few. Finally, I will slow cook them in a vat.... and feet it to the homeless.I hate those sick fucks.Anyhoo, I have a new blog (my second one). I just made it and linked you. I'm at www.sheepshirts.com/dminorJeff, Lord of the Universe (who shall rule with an iron fist covered in acid of rightous smiting)."
5:50 AM
Rachel said...
"...Wow, Jeff. I think you went too far with that one."

Hmm I thought Rachel would be shocked, I used a biblical line in my journal. Hmm maybe she didn't read all of it????? Nah she is, proably just in shocked!
11:35 AM

Put your self in these shoes!

okay, I was watching T.V the other night and a guy came in and killed the family on TV. The guy was so mad, he got revange, and massacured the guy. I mean flat out tourtured him cut fingures off, toes off, and cut other body parts as well. And it got me thinking what would I do if I ever found myself in a simulair situation? (God forbiding of course.)

Well I was thinking, that would use the amount of bullets, or same kind of kneif that he/she used to kill my people. I would not make them suffer any worse then what my people did. But then what would I do if I got caught. What kind of people would convict me for getting even, then it hit me I would only do this if the American judical system failed me. Would this still count as Premeditated murder, and would you do the same if someone harmed one of your love ones?
"An eye for an eye!"


The criminal death of a fetus is a misdemeanor, not murder.
Exodus 21:22-25
When men strive together, and hurt a woman with child, so that there is a miscarriage, and yet no harm follows, the one who hurt her shall be fined, according as the woman's husband shall lay upon him; and he shall pay as the judges determine. If any harm follows, then you shall give life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot, burn for burn, wound for wound, stripe for stripe.

Does that fall within that concept?

Dunno!

White walls, white ceillings, white sink; white, white, white, white. If Damen didn't know any better he would swear he lived in a hospital. But he doesn't he lives with his mother whom just happens to love white. Everything was white, till one day Damen was shaveing and red came from his white face. Damen liked that color wanted more of it. "The cut on my face didn't hurt" he thought to himself, whats another, not on the face though mom would know I did it on purpose. The wrist, no to dangerous, the arm? yea the arm nothing to hurt there. WOW!!! The blood was so red, so grand, more more came out until the room was red. Then it went black, then the screams, then the black faded. White all around him, beds, doctors and everything white. Just like home, "Wwwwwhat hhhhappened?" He mumbles. "You slit your wrist" and "almost died." The only thing he thought was "Damn I'll try harder next time"! Only there will never be a next time on the day he was released from the hospital he got hit by a car and died.

Would that be a sin, on one hand he wanted to die, but on the other he had no control of the car that killed him. Oh yea this is an example of irony.

30 mins left.

I have decided to make a post, about what I dunno. I got my power back on at around 1am, Thanksgiving was saved. I don't feel good, I have a sore throat, stuffy nose, and uppset stomach. I am not depressed, happy, nor anxetious, Mellow really describes me right now. I don't want to work 6-2am nor do i want to be awake. I just want to do something other than school and work. AHHAHHHAHHHAHHAHHHAHHHHAHHH. Currently I am watching "VH1" Most awsomely bad metal songs ever! well shit there are many bad metal songs, but then again there are a lot of shity songs, today. I hate a lot of the new songs on the radio today. But yet there are a lot of songs on this show that I really like, "on the road again" bon jovi, "she's only 17" can't remember who did that one. well that is all for now later dude.

10 reasons why I hate Michigan!

10.) Michigan in general.
9) The rainny time in september- October and again in april- march.
8) Dirt roads.
7) The crappy paying jobs.
6) Lack of jobs.
5) The lack of activities in the winter.
4) The smell of swage in the spring.
3)The cold weather.
2) The first snow, people not remembering how to drive.
1) The snow.

Those are just a few reason why I CAN NOT WAIT to move to AZ or Cali.

What percent of men want sex instead of a ltr.

Okay, I was talking to Rachel last night and we got to talking about sex and what percent of men mainly want sex. I say it's more like 99% of men want sex and will dump a girl if they don't put out, she said less than 90 % of guys only want sex. She also said "That my friends don't count when I told her that they would dump a girl if they did not put out." I feel that Rachel thinks highly of the male spiecies, she will learn. I also can relate this theory to women, I asked this, hot, girl why she dated an ungly guy. She told me "Out of fear of being dumped." She thought if she dated and ugly guy she would have the upper hand and her feelings won't get hurt, works sometimes, not all. I guess that is why many men will also date ugly girls. But also some of my other friends told me that they also fear sex, even though they really want to have it, this only happens if they date smokingly hot girls; out of fear that if they don't perform as good as the girl was hoping that they will dump them. So all in all guys really want sex, but in many cases won't perform out of fear. So if you have any clue what I am talking about or if this makes seanse to you all leave a comment.

Sincerly,

Ryan.

Rachel said...

"Well, after you asked me the other day about this, I got to thinking. And it seems to me that each emotion serves its purpose, even the ones that we go out of our way not to feel. Like shame. Shame keeps us from becoming too proud and arrogant. Guilt keeps us from doing things that are mean or wrong. Fear can be a protector, in certain situations - for example, we wouldn't jump off a building for fear that we would die. And while depression sucks, many depressed people have created some beautiful art. So...I guess I can't think of any completely useless or uneeded emotion.

Though they can definitely be a nuisence from time to time."

Oddly enough I agree with Rachel. Without emotions life would be dull and uneventful. Think of all the funny things that happen when people act out of fear, even anger. We all need to know what time it is the right time to laugh at something, if we don't than we really could hurt someone very close to us. Good day y'all!

How Many Times...

How many times have you heard that someone has a bad life or has it rough? I hear it all the time, but when you see someone that has actually lived through a bad life, to become something of a house-hold name is shocking and you wounder why. Well you can't change the past, but you can change your future. That is what I think Frank McCourt is showing us in his book "Angela's Ashes." Frank had nothing growing up and had to work his ass off, apartenly, to become something. He left Ireland at 19 he was done with school at 14 or 15, became a teacher, got married and reunited with his brothers year later. This kind of puts life in perspecitve if you think about it, you have a person who had nothing growing up, but yet became famous. He is a true successtory from rages to richs. This shows people that you can come from nothing and becoome someone. This tells people that you can make a bad situation to a good one. This makes me feel good to know, but bad to know that life is so cruel, but yet can be so kind. You have loses and gains, bumpy roads and smooth ones, and uncertainity and seldomly certainity. So I say to all who see this and know me, "You have one life to live, one time to get it perfect, one time not to mess up, but remeber to enjoy life. You can mess up, but as long as you how to right a wrong, and if you mess up and have kids show them the wrong and how not to act in this life nor the next and you can have a life of "happiness" and maybe you children won't have to right any wrongs, that you have shown them, but right the wrongs they make." If this makes senase let me know or not.

You Pick the Topic.

I am kind of bored with people telling me what to do, my mom tells me that every day, along with the rest of my family. Then tonight at work this woman, who is not a team leader nor manager, gave me her chores to do. I am trying to be a nice person and I said "Why?" Her response was well I don't feel like doing them, again I said "What time do you leave?" she told me 10p.m. Well damnit I have my own responsablities to do, so I tell her "no" and my boss laughed and said "About time somebody refueses to do her work" I said yea I know. Face it in the longrun we all know she did not do her work she left early. Something about feeling sick, she was faking it. Yes Ladies and Gents I got stuck doing her chores. On top of mine, well put it this way AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH.
I run around Meijer's all night so yes I was not a happy person I was in the back and up front all night and I was sweating like a stuck pig. I will never do that again I will quite before i get stuck with someone else duties. Ryan has spoke!

I Gotta Question to Ask Ya?

What kind, if any, emotions would you want to get ride?
Shame
Guilt
Fear
Happiness
Saddness
Depprisson
Anger

Well I would keep Anger, and Happiness.
I would say lets get ride of Shame, for my own personal reasons.
what ones would u get rid of?

Life as We Know It!

What would you do if life ended in 48hours? Would you spend the last few hours with your loved ones, would you "sew your wild oats?" or what would you do?
I for one would spend the first 24 hours sewing my 'wild oats' :) :) then if I don't die from a hang over, spend the next 12 hours with my friends hug tell them that I love them and that if they can write to me when they go to heaven. Then spend one hour writing an angry letter to all the people that have pissed me off and hope they see it be fore the world ended. Then spend the last 11 hours with my family talking reminacing with em hug em kiss em and tell them when if I die first I will save them a spot next to the AC in Hell. We will all laugh and my Aunt Dude would say that's not funny and my Grandma will say I already lived in hell I want peace for the rest of enterinty. Dude will say tell us Peg what is your perfect heaven? Grandma will say "All my family, all my ex-husbands waiting on us hand and foot, and where my sister won't have any vocal cords." What about your son-in-laws? They can all stay in hell for all I care. Is what she would say. Her daughters will laugh and say that will be the best place in the after life. Then the end would come my grandma will hit her sister, all the daughters will turn to their husbands and say " don't come and find us!" and the world will end. And all the sufering will end and the sins gone and we will all be happy, if their is an after life, that is.

Longing to update.

I want to tell yall something, but I can't because I haven't thought of it yet. I have not had any thing extciting happen at all in the last few days :(. I have to decide on what I need to do with my life, I feel that I have hit a wall of exciting things to talk about. I am going to do something I don't often do, stop talking so that no news will reach anyone before I have a chance to tell them. will good night all.

Short Story.

When the boy woke up he was in a bit of a dazy and happy that this time he could see clearly. He turned his head to the left and saw his mother with silver bracelets on her wrist, she looked almost sickened when she saw her son's face. His mother's face was black & blue, she had a bloody nose, and a cut on her forehead that made her look like Frankenstein. When they made eye contact she turned her head quickly. The Boy was happy that she was in handcuffs, he could figure out why he was so happy, but knew that this was a werid feeling. Werid because he doesn't know if he should feel this way. This was his mother and her only true fault was turning her back on her son and marring a drunkard like he was. The doctor said "The boy is up, and yall can get the 'ell out of this room." For a minute the boy thought he was have a stroke or something was wrong with his brain. Than when a cop spoke to his mother he knew all was fine, the Doctor had a Southern accent. As they left the police said " we will be here tomorrow to talk to the boy!" The nurse and Doctor nodded and said "Fiine".

The next day the police came as they said they would. The sun was high and bright the room was warming up his room. The nurse had came by and changed his bandages and cleaned him up a bit. As she did this she mumbled "Can't have ya lookin like a bum, when your laawyer man comes and talks to ya." The boy just sat there this was the first time that anyone has helped hime with anything since his dad died. Nice days then his mom loved him his dad spent all day with him until he left for work and the boy left for school. But no point in remembering the good ole day now cuz they are long gone now, and he might never get to see his dad in the next life. That is if he really did kill his Step-dad, see he can only remember being hit, thrown acrross the room and seeing the body and the lady cop patting him on the back. Wait he remembers something now the lady cop said "You have more curage than any body I have ever meet and don't ever change that." That is what his dad said the night he died, how did she know this, this was just between the two of them. Can't dwell on this now here comes the cops, they push their way in and the nurse said "Owt wit ya, he aint dressed and thats wrong that yous be here when he has a stich ole clothen on!" FINE, shouted the cops as they turned and waited out said. The nurse said "That will give you lawyer some time, no?"

SPRING BREAK ( FIVE MONTHS AWAY)!

Well well, for the first time since oh freshmen year in high school do I have awsome plans for spsring break. My cousin Jeremy, Amber, Grandma, Aunt Dude:( and myself are going to spring break. Amber is going to Maimi, Jeremy and I are going to Daytona, Grandma and Aunt Dude are going to vist a family member in Ocwhala. I swear I will drive my own car to daytona if Dude goes. Yes she will say " No booze, no sex, girls) = not fun at all, well for the youths. but I dont care cuz it's spring break and I am going to have fun fun all day under the sun and drink drink all night under the moon. so if any one knows of any good hotels in North daytona let me know spanks bye!!!!

Shot Story Time!

The house was silent as he apporached the door, out of fear that they might set him off with the anger again. He walked in stagering and in a temper like never before, the child was hiding in his room more silent than a mouse. Until he sneezed, that set the man off like never before. The dark room went bright the boy found himself nose to nose with the horrible man. The wife attempted to stop the drunk man, he sent her flying accross the hall, leaving the child to defend himself. Just as the Man hits the boy, the boy remebers the last words his dad told him before he died, " Close your eyes and swing, and don't stop until you draw blood and they stop screaming for help." Thats just what the boy did, at first the man laughed than regreated that. For when the boy landed on his bed, he found his bat and then he swung until the man n
ot just stop screaming but stopped breathing. When the cops came all the boy could say was " he got what he deserved." The lady cop smiled and laughed and patted him on the back. than the boy fainted and woke up in the hospital not knowing how, why he was there. There were cops standing around him, few smiled with pride and some with a thirst for knowledge. Only the boy didn't know the questions nor the answers. What was he suppose to do now?




To be contuined.........

dont ask

I hate you for the way you make me feel.
I hate you for the way you make me think.
I hate you soo much and yet I still need you and want you.
Damn you for making me feel this way.
I hate love and we won't be together when my brain figures out how to control my heart.
But like all men it knows when to shutup and let the heart win.
"Only one time, for when you are hurt you won't want love again"
Is what the brain tells the heart.
Maybe, maybe not but look at her she smiles, laughs at all the jokes he says funny or not; she's perfect for now, not forever.
"True, he needs this, just once though."
So the heart and brain work together.
I love you.
I need you.
We will be together for now not forever.
You blow me off for your friends.
But you often blow me.
I will wait for you for now, not forever though.
For the brain has leacked one thing out you and I will never make it.
Love only exist when, two people can trust one another.
I can't trust you, cuz I love you!
I fear you will cheat, lie, and use me.
When this happens it will end.
Tears I shed, my heart will bleed and I will curse you name.
You will nolongerbe in my wet or dry dreams.
You and I will nolonger be.

THE END!

Hmmm ( bygone days)

This time last year I was making a car payment, employed at a job I hated and getting ready for the holidays. This time last year I was not enjoing life much, all I did was work and pay bills. Now at this point I am not paing bills nor am I working at a job that I hate. Also I am not getting ready for the holidays this year, I am not buying gifts this year. For the simple fact that i have mad only 1000 $ this year comare that to what I made last year that's not shit, actuially it's only 1/8 of what I am use to if you catch my drift. So I guess in the last year I have changed everything in my life. I don't have a car payment nor bills to pay, also I enjoy my job although I make 50$ aweek but yet I enjoy that. If I had more time I would proably get a second job but I dont have enough time nor do I have the ambsion to work a second job. Also the longer I tell my mom that I have a 50 dollar check the longer it takes for my truck to get fix noramally I would be very upset, but I don't care anymore. I ask you does this make me a lazy person or a selfish one? I feel that I am just prioratixing my time. And now I am enjoing life although i dont have much cash on hand nor am I getting out much but hey there's only 168 hrs in a week right?

rather happy!

Yes, I am aware this might send some of you into a coranary, but I am actually in a good moood.
I really have nothing to complain about and I rather enjoy life at this moment, I think I have really grown up. Meaning that life is not really a bitch anymore, for once in my life I am actually happy. I have a job, might be getting a new car cuz well it needs about a 700 dollars in repairs. So I am now looking for a new car that 50 bucks a week can afforde. So anyways I am really likeing my jobs and liking life most of all. One major downer is however is I got my cell phone bill, yea I will be hiding it from my parents. so anyways moving on i have some homework and I will be off to do it now ;( so talk to you all later bye.

I got bored and wrote a poem.

I have three circles of friends

all seem to be oblvious to emotinal pain

Look someone is motioning for me to come over

I start to walk, I fall into a deep black hole

I look up and try to climb out of it but the hole closes in on me

I start to dig and dig but the hole just gets deeper and thin

I'm starting to get closterphobic as I look up I see figures

I see them reach in for me and pull me out

I can see again, breath again, my friend tells a joke but I can't laugh

They look at me like I just kicked a cat

My friends say laugh

I say I can't

They say yes

Go like this

HAHAHAHA!

I simle so now I feel better

and I enjoy the party.

I GOT A NEW JOB!!!!!!!!!!

You're orange. You're strong and have the reflexes
of a tiger. You're overly protective, and
those skills come in handy... You're a natural
person, with a taste for natural foods (I mean
organic, here.). Well, that's not true.
...Just food in general! You're as
quick-witted as your reflexes, and sometimes
painfully logical. You love wild animals and
pets. (Preferably wild animals!) You're a
natural person, and a true child of Gaia.
You're a stimulating, and outgoing person. You
enjoy making people think, especially with your
infectiously spontaneous attitude. You're a
generally optomistic person, with a love for
showing off all of your good traits. Although
many people may see you as strung-out, or just
plain weird, you're very down-to-earth and
humble. You're incredibly sweet (as this
color's other name!), and you care about people
in general. As this color would describe,
you're energetic beyond all human
comprehension. You've got a nack for drawing,
and you enjoy it, too. When it comes to
school, you're a good listener with an even
better memory. You're studious... At least
when you need to be!

What color are you? (Amazingly detailed & accurate--with pics!)
brought to you by

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

I GOT A NEW JOB!!!!!!!!!!

Yes I got a new job, it's at Meijer. I will be stacking and stuff. It's more than what I started out at GKC. But less than I was makeing there towards the end of my carreer at GKC, but it's still better than nothing. A big plus.
I don't consider myself a chicken, about many things. However I hate spiders and snakes. I found a huge spider in my bed today and well I killed it really quick. I also found a snake under my truck well that one took me a little while to get ride of, uke,. I well, the snake was on the drivers side of my truck. So to avoid the snake I went in through the passenger side of my truck.. So I kinda have to work on my phobia. Unfortanately for me AZ, is full of snakes, errrrr.. I shuder to think what will happen if there's a snake in my office and I have to deal with a patenit. Yea that will go over really well wont it, not. well im outie talk to yall lada.