I WANT A NEW JOB. Okay, I admit it I CAN'T HANDLE that place anymore. I go there and get sick, I think about just going home, and I stlll make shit for money. I did manage to get offered a job today and I might take it. It's the same amount of hours per week same money. But is really laid back. I geuss the new chapter of my book will be. "THE SHOE SALESMAN".

I saw two bumper sticker today and laughed so hard. I don't like putting them on my car, but if I found these ones I would. One said "God is to big to fit into on relgion." and the other said "If only closed minded people came with closed mouths." I know we all have our own takes and belieafs, but I am sick of other people pusching them on me. I know what I am. I am a man who likes to have fun. It doesn't matter with who as long as I get along with them. I writ this, because today I recived a phone call and it was this person that said if you don't have god your soul is going to pay for ever. I know god is there god is in me, you and every one. Jesus is the one that will pass final judgement. I like to believe that as long as I don't hurt people and be totally cruel I will go into a state of Ecasty. If I don't then I will relive my life over and over until I get it right. I will be totally fine with that. We all learn from our mistakes. I didn't intend to write this much, but I had a creative moment.

I should inform you that I am kind of seeing some one. I am not going to introduce this person for a while. First off they are in the Marines and secondly we are still just getting to know one-another. I don't know how much we still need to know about eachother. We have had sex a couple of times. I am actually happy.

I am still leaving the theater, but not till the first of the year. If CMU accepts me I will just make the comute.

Well, I got a new laptop. I feel kinda bad cuz my old one was a gift and not that cheap. On the other hand it was starting to get out dated, slow way down, and a lot of other stuff. I have been really good this year in paying bills. I am almost paid off. By the first of the year the majority of my cards will be taken care off. I am going to put 500 dollars down on my master card. I am only doing that cuz they are really starting to bug me. I plan on keeping my Visa, Oldnavy and maybe my Best Buy card (if they don't piss me off like they did last time.) My game plan is to save up all my spendable income in Janurary (so I can have a savings acount again) and then starting in Feb pay 450 a month on my car. If I do that it will be paid for in July of 07 instead of 08.

P.s I am just waiting on CMU to tell me if I have gotten in or not. I applied earlier in the week and now am waiting for them. I think I am going to get student loans that will cover my bills through the school year that way I dont have to work and have class. Maybe I can sweet talk my mom in giveing me 30 bucks a week.

Well for all those who care I did it. I applied to CMU. Now, all I want to do is vomit and vomit some more. I really hope they accept me. If they don't I dunno what else to do. Guess I will work at GKC till the day I die. shit!!!!!!

Side note. I DID NOT CHECK OUT PAM. IF YOU TALK TO HER AND SHE SAYS ANYTHING IT'S A LIE. ASK RACHEL.

THANK YOU FINACE GOD. If my math is right I get three paychecks in Novemeber. In all reality I get six, well five cuz i get paid the 1st of dec. This will give the sum of 510 dollars to pay on bills. That's a big dent in my debt. It will then only take my about six weeks to finish paying off my cards. I am not going to worry about my Penny's card. I need a new computer for the fall. I am applying to CMU here goes it all. This brings me to my next question. Should I get a laptop or desktop?

If, somebody ask me want I wanted most this year it wold be hard to say in one quick sentence. I want a lot. Two of the most important things I want right now are these 1) to have more free time. 2) not have to work two jobs just to make ends meet. I know and admit that I spent the money faster then it was coming in, but I was young and foolish about the world of credit cards. I have since learned my lesson and will not do that again. (Side note here. This might be a long post.)

I have unoffically changed my major. To make it offical I will have to go to the office here to do it. I am going into conciling ( not sure if I posted about it yet or not.) I will be attendedin Delta fro winter and spring then I plan on moving up to MTP in July. I am appling for CMU in Janurary. Here's hoping.

I have to change my life. I am not letting the right things control it. I have decided to cut WAY BACK. I have said I am against certain things. I am now chanigng my mind. I am changing my view. Pot is still okay. I can relate to Coke, but don't let your lifes be ruled by them. I am not saying I do them, but I am voicing my new opinion. Thoughs are the only ones that are some what okay. I can and do see how people let them control there lives. I have decied to complete all homework on friday's. With the acception of the 28th when all my homework will be done on that thursday.

I was almost hit by Pam on Wedensday. She was not looking when she went to change lines. If I would have been anyother person I would not have stopped or laid on my horn. That marks the second time on a pay day where I was almost hit by some one I know. Two weeks before that I was almost re-ended by an employee on Bayroad. Hmmm.

Well, that is my life story at this point let me know you opinons on what I said. And as always lots of love to those closet to me. I feel they will help me out of this issue in my life.

I have a Saturday night off. I am siting on my couch with a movie going and my laptop this is the first time in a few weeks were I have been able to veg. I am listening to the rain while kinda watching a silent movie. I am really proud of myself I watched a French movie with french subtitles and understood a few of the words. That brings me here. I really want to go back to Paris, I loved it when I was there. I have been looking into it and it would cost 600 dollars to go back for three days, but I am thinking about it before I go to CMU and then can't afforad the money or time to do so. Does any one else ever feel like the act older then they really are and then when you want to blow some money you can't. Example, I wanted to go and buy some new work clothes, but I was thinking about it and said that I might be happier spending the money on bills and at the first of the year have all my cards paid for and then I can blow some cash.

P.s Jeff call me

BORED!!!!!

Just wondering if Rachel's post about the party this Halloween is still happeneing. I took that weekend off. I have my custume as well I am going to be a Doctor. Leave a comment, so I know the game plan.

Your Seduction Style: The Charmer

You're a master at intimate conversation and verbal enticement. You seduce with words, by getting people to open up to you. By establishing this deep connection quickly, people feel under your power. And then you've got them exactly where you want them!

What Is Your Seduction Style?

Some much to say so little time. Classes are going svell. I am looking forward to witner when I will be at SVSU. I am pretty sure that I will be at CMU next fall. I have slightly changed my major. I will be a college proff. It's still History with English as a my minor. I am hopeing that CMU or SVSU will shed some light on a dark mind. My mind has turned extremly dark in that last few weeks. I feel it is stress. I am use to working with a highly stress life, but I have to keep going and going, despite the fact that I am really sick. I know it's not normal to shit blood. I am going to the doctor but not til next week. well I am off to class. then home CALL ME GOD DAMNIT!

Okay, this has been an odd day. First off, I got up went to scholl, normal day there. Secondly, I went home and my machanic called my mom and told her that my car needed Shocks, struits, brake pads, battery, tires, and some other shit. Then, I paid off a couple cards saving me there. My mom then bribed me to go to either SVSU or CMU with a Sony Vivo. Oh yea, I am selling my car. I will not sell it repaired nor will I sell it to friends. Well Thats all ttyl!!!

Okay, I have to tell you all this story of a body of mine at work. He has his car stole in broad daylight, as his neighbor watched, had his mom kick him out of the house, police finding his car and have it gutted like a deer, and wake up this morning with apendix problems. And I thought my day was shit.

Okay, I went to work this morning thinking I could clock in eairly and leave eairly. Well, let me tell you it didn't work out that way. First off, I walk in seeing that I have five faxes waiting for me (shit!). PAYROLL IS TOO HIGH! CUT BACK CUT BACK! then the next four were more yelling threatening us with write ups and all that fun shit. Then, cutting some 50 hours off of one day. Then getting busy and twisting my side. Let me tell you. I walked to the other end of the Consseion stand to get something and got widged between the popper and three other people. Forcing me to leave my waist down stright and then twisting my torso. AS i start to twist I get wedged even further then my body intended to go and all you could hear is my back cracking, OWE! Finshed with my customers and went and sat in the office and took three IB'S.

On a very happy note, I found a store to carry my worlds favorite ice cream "Blue Moon." Yummmmm! Night all!

To the person that has pissed me off to no end. I have deleted you from my phone, aim and all other forms of comuincation in the 21st century. I have no need and no room for people that want to play games. I would rather to know a totally honest person then a dishonest person as you are. If I never see you again it will be to soon. I have to deal with you until the 5th of Septemeber then I never have to see you again. If you see me in public don't acknowlege me and I will do the same. If you acknowlege me I will hit you. Not a pussy as bitch slap, but a right hook. So, if I were you I would choose "A". I do have a mean right hook. So to you sir here is a big FUCK OFF YOU LYING SON OF A BITCH!!!!! :0

Killings need to be legalized. I need to drink. Thank god I am going to the bar on Thursday.

I want to post, but I have nothing to say. .......................................................

Okay, I am use to waking in the moring with swollen body parts, but this is the oddest one yet. I get up do my thing in the morning, and I will be damned if my thumb was not swollen. I don't remeber getting stung in the thumb. I have no clue what this is about but it HURTS.

Some one tell me the point! If one can tell me the point of putting one foot in front of the other and moving on tell me. Cuz, I sure as shit don't know. I am growing bored of lifes rollercosters. I often think that I am ready to find my mate get married and die. Then the youthful part of me kicks in and says, "What?!" You get married have kids (not certain I want them) and have no fun. I am happy I am not sad, please don't read this as me being sad, it's just me thinking. What is the point of getting married sleeping with one person forever. It doesn't sound fun at all. I really don't think that is gods will for us. Why, would we have to do that. There has to be something we are missing. I get we are still paying for the sins of Adam and Eve. Jesus lost his life for our sins. Are we entering a new era of salvation (or in our case re-salvation). We have people wanting to kill us because we have freedoms they don't? That's not right. That reminds me of the old saying "You pay for the mistakes of one person" basicly it takes one bad person to fuck it up for the rest. I for one am tired of paying for others fuckups. I want to pay for my own. All this shit of the son pays for the mistakes of the Father is crap. It is time we pull up our pants and take responsablity for ourselves. I am also dieing to know who said Jesus is our lord?

Break down time. (from the way I see it)

Jesus is the son of God. God create everything. Jesus might of had powers to heal or he was a Doctor and new what herbs to put together to help heal ( I am confident that if the church knows they won't tell. Also, they will pay a lot of money to keep it quite.) As, all my friends know I don't believe what the churches say. I go a different path. I am breaking it down here.

Virgin Marry? Sure.
God? Yes.
Jesus? Yes.
Jesus having powers? Maybe.
Jesus being Gods son? Why not.
God forgiving killers, rapist, moldsters? NO, thats why there's Hell on earth.

Ways to stay out of Hell. Live in HARMONY with all, fill your self with not love nor HATERED. Treat people the way you want to be treated. Follow the rules set fourth and you will have your salvation at the end of your life! Ramblings of Ryan.

Should I start the next church? Tom Cruise has his.

Somebody, asked me today "Why do you want to leave?" My response was why would I want to stay? I have an assoicates and can't find a job paying more then 7 dollars per hour. Then the other jobs pays 8.5 per hour but it's only 20 hrs a week. Either way, both jobs pay shit. When I am in Flordia I will be able to make a lot more money. I mean a sub can make up to 20 K a year. Here, I can make only 12-15 per year. Then, when I have a Masters I will only make 32 starting and finish at around 55. Down there I can start out at 32 but end up make close to 65 per year. In the long run I will be better off getting the hell out of this state. I have no problem with the thought of leaving Michigan. I have a problem with leaving my friends, and mom and cousins. I know I will have there support, because I will be bettering myself and everyone gives support when one is attepmting to better thereselves. I geuss my biggest fear is that I won't make that many friends, but I can always come home to hang with them. Plus you always have friends when you go and drink LOL! Well I have posted long enough!


P.s
I am having a Halloween party here, and maybe a New Years Party (sorry Jeff I know that's your day, but my cousin wants to Host one.)

Why!?!?


When somebody calls you, and you send them right to voice mail, they decide to hang up and call you three more time until you just hang up on them. Then they e-mail asking what's wrong. How, do you tell them to go away. You kind of want to be friends with them, but they annoy you so much that you want to hit them. People suck ass.!!!!!

Lately, all I have wanted to do is scream and hit things. I haven't felt these feelings in a while. I feel that my life is sprialing into shit. I am hoping and praying that I can get back into the school this year. This is my vow, I will not stay in Michigan beyond June. Yes, I am planing to follow suit with some people we have went to school with, but only for a few years. I want to live in Flordia, then Californa. I have not yet decided where I want to go after that. I am so frustrated and don't know why.

It took a lot of courage for me to admit to myself that I was attracted to both ( you all know what I mean), now I find myself attracted to nothing. I still flirt ,a little, but nobody is really get my motor going (allow me to be a little corny). I don't know, I don't think it's deprission. I usually know right off the bat when I am depressed. I think it's just pure bordem. Not with my friends, but with Michigan.

I had a tooth filled that lost it's filling in May or March can't remeber which. Now, the dentist says I might need to see a specialist. They might want to take the tooth or do a rootcannal. DAMNIT. Nothing, can be simple for me. Sorry, I didn't mean to make three paragraphs about nothing I just felt like I needed to get some things strightened out or less crooked in my case. Well, talk at yeah all later.

How can you say you're a friend when you go behind my back and spread lies. Now you wonder why I am mad at you. What gives you the balls to act like you did nothing wrong when you have toyed and spread lies about me. Now, because of you I can lose my job. You're an ass. If I didn't have to work with you I would tell you off. And for the women that is spreading the lies I hope you get yours. If you are mad at me because I got the job you wanted tough shit. They choose the one with the better "customer service skills". And to think I graduated High school two years ago. If you would have told me that I would be living High School all over again at work I would call you a crazy whore....

I look up at the sky and think how nice. How nice it would be to fly away. I have noticed that being an adult means it's a lot of work. What ever happened to freedom. Land of the free. That is what we are suppose to be. How can we be free. Most of us have commeitments. Paybills, go to work, life is vitous. As I was ling on my back I hoped for the day I will be free. Free to move where I want to, when I want to. If I had no commitments I would be in Fl living my life. How I long I had the balls to do so. I truly envy those people that have left to the great and mighty Florida. I am just sick to daeth of it here. I just want to SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why am I destined to live this way. "What a wicked web we weave once we practice to deceve." William Shakespare.

Pet peeves of the week!

I hate it when people insert numbers in with words such as, "l8er" and/or "str8" that erks me.

People that live to tell other people I told you so. I have to admit I am one of those people, but I have cut WAY back.

People that roll through a stop sign in a parking lot.

NON-BLINKER USING PEOPLE! :O Picture this. I am in the turn lane with MY blinker on and some asshole turns right in front of me. (Rachel I do use my blinker in my car)

To all the BENIFERS of the world come on. You don't have to be up eachothers arses 24/7.

(this one I am guilty of a little) Not allowing people to tell me there feelings without giving my own adivce. I have realized I do this a lot.

The biggest one right now, atleast, is something I have been know to do. Answering a question that is not dircted towards me.

I have noticed some of the things that errk me I have a tendency to do. I will catch ya'all later.

Hi all. Let me recap for a bit here.

This week I found out that a SL is being promted to Asstiant. I don't like this SL. I am appling for a school in Orlando; here it goes. I am really wanting to get out of here. I also seem to have a cold. I have a sore throat, cough, sneezes, slight fever, and extreme fatgiue. I am kinda hoping that I can find another job so that I can leave the Theater. I still need to pay bills off and would love to save up some money$. Also I found this dealership willing to sell me a truck. I still have to wait till next year, but I hope they let me do in then. Next July I will owe 1800$ on my car. The dealer says they will pay that off, pay taxes and plates, and allow me to put nothing down on the truck. Payments would be around 210 a month. That is live able. Now all I need is an apartment, in Florida. My game plan is to drive down there and get an apartment, and get all that setup before I move. I figure as long as I have about 2grand $aved I will be okay. It shouldn't take me more than 2, maybe, 3 months to find a job down there. I have an awsome resume. Plus I will be able to sub, down there. Well now that you are all brought up to speed I will ask this. Does any one out there have a monitor I can borrow for a little bit.

Hi, ? I said hi why the hell do you ignore me?

Oh, I didn't hear you! I thought to myself How fucking hard is it for people to get the hint?

what are you doing?? trying to ignore you. I thought

Oh, just thinking. Shit, now she's gonna wanna get into my feelings!

Wait I thought.. How are you? YeAH, that will get her talking about her feelings.

Oh.. Damn, men. Pretended I cared one time and he gets all mushy.

Yes it worked! Man thought.

That .....(now what? sex, nahhh, kids...female thought.)

Kids, ?? why..??? (crap now she'll think that I dont want kids.)

Yeah you want them right.. (this is going bad)

Of course I do.. the best part about kids is making them. (now she'll think I want to have sex.)

Shit, Now hes gonna want to have sex.)

Damn, now she might want to have sex. (man thought)

Umm, I don't feel so good .... (women thought)

Sweet... thought man.. well i think im gonna head out(man said)

Okay, I'm gonna lay down...

Night, I will be home later. call me if you need anything.


A coulple that has been together for four years plus... in a relationship..

this conversation is true. Don't all men say that and think that when they talk about kids. and don't most women think and say that?? If I am wrong I am sorry. If you really want to know bring it up, see where he goes with it.. If you dump your boyfriend because he tells the truth. I am not resonsible for your actions. Let me know.

Things I've done in the Last 21 years..

No kids. I have accamplished a lot, but one of the biggest thing's I am greatful for is that I don't have a 5 or 6 year old running around.

I am still clean. Yes, I am STD free I admit I get tested every year (from here on out atleast).

I have opened up and admited to my friends and family who I really am (some might say too much).

I have traveled to the end of the earth and came back.

I am still employeed (for now atleast).

I have moved out of my moms' house.

I have my OWN car. This time I have payed for it myself.

I am completely happy with life at the moment.

These are not in any order (hence why no numbers) I think I have done quite a bit in the last 21 years now it is time to change it up and do more things. Here are my goals for the next five years.

Finish my masters.

Figure out what carreer I want and do it. I am still debeating on whether or not I want to teach full time or be a sub. I say that because I don't know if that is the best field for me I still have a strong passion for psychology.

Have kids, I plan on adapting them.

Have a home in England.

Losse 50 pounds.

and stay Happy.

Here, is the date for my 21st. July 15, 2006. That is a Saturday. Time is approx. 7 pm. You are more then welcomed to come out early. I will have some food, music and remember your swim suits. I think I will also have the bug replanent. Not to mention the hole point of a 21st birthday party. Incase, I don't speak to everyone, the few people that read this,if you could do me a favor and tell people the time and date that would be much appreiated. If you have any more questions you all should have my cell number.

P.s
It is in St. Charles.

P.p.s
Just bring yourselves nothing else...... Unless you really dislike beer....

I've this overwhelmlying odd longing to write and not stop. Here is the problem I have an extremely bad case of writers block. I never have writers block. I have wrote five or six pages and then I lose track of what I am writting. I seem to fill the pages with filler. I mean I know detail is great when you are trying to write a book. I really want to write a great story, but filler is not the best start thing to have as your main plot. I have this great idea for a cerial killer, but I just hit a brick wall after the third wife gets offed. I have no clue on what to do. Any ideas???? I was thinking about writting about what is going on in my life, but I don't know if that would be a good idea. Hmmmmm! I NEED YOUR HELP.....................

I have been going through a bit of a needing a change. I have deiceded that I am going to change my name, I no longer feel like Ryan Palmer Ruiz de Castilla. I don't look the part, nor do I feel the part, plus that name is so damn ethnic. My new name will be Ryan Zachary Palmer. I will change it no later than Novemeber of this year. I feel this will be good. I will be able to find myself (hopefully) I have been lost for to long. If I can't find Ryan Ruiz de Castilla, maybe I can find Ryan Zachary Palmer. All I know is that I want to grow up and leave this one horse town and this shit of a State. I hear Nome Alaska is nice this time of year.


I ask you this Who am I?
Where do I belong?
What am I to do in this life??

A new.


I am searching for a new Job. I don't know where and don't care. I am so sick of that damn place.. If I had anymore sick days, I would be using them. I should talk to my DM tomorrow when she comes in and see if I can get some more. I have to sign an affadavited stating everything I saw between two Managers and an employee. I will bet my bottom dollar they will be fired.

You entered my life like a tornado. You throw it upsidedown and broke my heart. I thought we could be what we needed for eachother. Instead what we wanted were the same things, but differently. I wanted someone to love, I geuss the fact that I like to have sex often and you don't made things worse. Everything I did was wrong, and we just ended up like oil and water. Just like a tornado I am here to pick up the pices of my life and put them in order. If this is love then I don't want it. For now anyways.

I do have to admit that I enjoyed holding you in my arms, showering with you and watching movies. I was willing to change my future plans for you, but like Romeo and Juliet we are not meant for eachother in this life. Maybe in the next one we will be...... I need my friends, a case of beer, and a nice smoke. I also need my heart put back in order.......

I have fallen and I don't want to get up. There is something about this person that has me all worked up. I think about him constantly. I love holding him, kissing him, I am so happy when he calls, looks at me. I geuss it finally happened I am in a relationship and I am happy about it. Yey for me. Well I must go thought you all should know.

I feel asif I should of died many times ago. I am a shepred with out a flock. My up is now down. My right is now left. "Our Father which art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive them that trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation. But deliver us from evil." Delivery from evil is what I need at this moment in time. I am so lost I have no clue on how to find myself. I need help but lack the ability to find it. I have laughed at the crazy people too many times. Now I fear I have become one of them. I am so down that I can not see day light. I need time which is lacking. I am healthy but ill at the same time. I will end this now.......................................

Just wanted to let you all know that if I didn't have Rachel I would be lost in this wierd ass world!

I have been wondering where my life is going. As I sit here looking at my life I want to know where it will take me. I am ready to leave the nest (as it were), but I think that when I leave I will make ripples. Thus far my friends have made leaps, but I want to make leaps and bounds. I don't mean to sound as if I want to out do my friends I just want to go a little further.. I am looking at schools on line and I see some great ones. This is my problem...

I could go, but I would get home sick. ( for what I dunno, a drunk step-dad, dead end job, hmmm.)

I know I would miss my friends, because in the last few months they have been everything to me. I know as of late I have kinda been ditching you guys, but I am sorry.

I geuss i have no reason to bitch... Well I geuss I am gonna set it in stone. I am applying to Orlando Univ. If they take me then I will be off to Florida and finish up school. If they don't then I will go to SVSU and take my last two semsters aboard. Night.

More of my friends need to get text messaging. And I think I am over drinking for a while.........

I have so much to say and no time to say. Well I have the time, but I fear I can't put all the feelings and emotions together just by a few words. I fit so many catagories that it is rather confusing. I am happy, sad, verage of crying, but smiling all the time, depperessed, but repressing, docile, but not. I have never felt so many emotions at once before. This will be my last post for a while..................................

If anyone can tell me how to deal with feelings of love, and death please let me know. I want to tell some one I want them more then I have let on but they don't want to go in that direction. They are atracted to me but don't know about what they want to do...... GOD IS A WOMAN AND HATES ME.......

I hope you all find as much humor in this as I did.


Cancer-"Side involvements with people you know socially could work out advantageously for you. Out of a casual conversation with a pal, a connection for mutual benefits may be discovered."

Capricorn- "Associates could be far more relaxed than usual, providing you an opportunity to treat them more like pals than merely commercial contacts. Doing so will greatly strengthen your allance."

Hmm. The person (I think I want to be with) has a very simular "horscope" as me. Now if I put a lot of stock into it I would say this would be promiseing, but I don't so it's just funny.

P.s.

I am Cancer and the person is Capricorn.

How dare you.....

How dare you make me feel this way.
God why do we have these feelings and why do we tourue ourselves in making them time-in-timeout.
Why do I feel this way about some one that I will Probly never get to be with.
I want you... Do you want me?
We kiss and never see eachother naked.
We share the same bed but never lay as a couple in it.
Why do I feel these nasty feelings. I was happier when I was misserable.

I HATE THIS SHIT........

I hate the last week of College. Write this paper, do this assingment, study for the final, and blah blah blah blah. When this term ends I plan on getting so tore up I will need to take a week off just to recover from the hangover. If you are game leave a comment and we will work on a date.

P.s
Chris if Rachel goes and you offer her one drink I will cut you from ball sack to nose! Got me get me good!!!!!

Moveing on is not something humans do not do eaisly. If you have ever been in love or in a relationship for a length of time, you know what I mean. Few changes have occured not only in one of my close and personal friends life, but in mine as well. I have realized that I want more then great sex. I also found some one whom I thought I could be with. Alas, we have discovered that we can't; for reasons we know and that is how it will stay. I am not hurt but happy that my realtionship could end like that and I think the two of us will stay friends and maybe try it again at a later date. While the two of us were doing what we were doing I learned something about myself I did not know. I have the ability to love someone and not in a jealous way. I had no problem with this person doing there own thing at parites, because I too went off and did what I wanted to. I admit I enjoyed their company, but am not sad that the two or three week fling ended. It actually opened my eyes and taught me that love is something I want, but what I am still unsure of is this. Do I want to raise my children with a person or raise them on my own and then settle down as it were. I have no fear that I will do what I want in this life, well career wise that is. But the thought of me spending my life with an indvually and have to deal with them on a dailly bases is not something I want. Face it folks I do what I want rather people want me to or not. I just hate the thought of someone telling me that I can't spend my money the way I want. That is the biggest issue I have with a LTR (long term realtionship).

Hey Rachel if the two us are still single and living when we are, oh say, in our 70's what you say about gettin married and picking a retirement home together. We won't have to worry about sex, I'll be to old to do anything LOL!? Let me know.

This is not like me to post about something in the sky, but I have to tell you all what I saw. On, my way home last night I saw something in the sky. It hovered over my car for one min then it was gone. I mean completely gone, disappeared, into the sky. It was nothing I have ever seen. This is what I saw. A triangular "craft" with three white lights and one red light in the middle of the "craft". Granted, I do believe there is something out there, but I was just saying that so I would never see something. Then my cell phone battery randomly dies. It was fully charged. I just got done charging it the night before. If any body can explain and help me rationalize what I saw please leave my a comment.

I have this to say.............................

You fill in the rest.

Thy must cover thyns own ass. I have covered my ass this week. I am now an S.L. at work that means roughly $7 an hour and 30 hours a week. I still might have to look for a part time summer job just so I can pay off my cards and not worry about them. But I doubt that I will do that. I will be okay with making the min payments or a little more for a while. I figure when I go to SVSU I will get a student loan and pay all of that card off and not worry about. I figure as long as I can pay my rent, car, loan, and have enough money at the end of the month I will be fine. Well I am off to buy some new work clothes so I will catch y'all later.

I am going to fade away for a while.

I don't know why, but I feel that I am not destined for a friendship with him. For some reason that is bothering me. For the second time in my life I am left thinking what did I do. When I think that he just lied to spear my feelings. I don't get why people do that I guess I may be too honest about life, but what are you going to do about that. If I never have a singfagant other in my life I just may be fine with that. I guess seeing all my friends "happy" with their relationships made me want it (a relationship). As I write this I realize that I was happy without a person in my life but hey. I guess I am just pissed at myself for not reading between the lines like I should have. I am so looking forward to talking with a psychologist and maybe moving on with my "issues" and finding my real self, if that really exsits. If therapy doesn't work I just may gas up my car and go west for a while and maybe write my book and live as a bum. I hate having responsibilities those are the only reasons I stay here. Well I have wasted enough of your time so I guess I will see you all some time soon. I am sure that one of you all will have a party after I get out of the WTF mode I am in right now. Lord if this is a broken heart. I need more help then I thought maybe I will see you all soon If not I will proally be out west. Love yah all.

Fill this out if you would like a LTR.

1. Name:
2. Age:
3. Height:
4. Hair color:
5. Top/Bottom:
6. Fav Drink:
7. Do you go tanning?
8. Cuddle or make out?
9. Do you think im attractive?
10. Are you conceited?
11. Where do you work?
12. Are you in school?
13. Living situation: 14. How much do you weigh?
15. Piercings?
16. Tattos?
17. Fav clothing style?
18. Can you cook?...(I can)....
19. Do you drive? 20. Are you looking for an LTR?
21. If we were together would you try to make me feel special?
22. Do you have any questions about me?
23. What would make me choose you over someone else?

Number five does not need to be answered by the women.

Birthday Ideas.

Following suite with everyone, I am having a 21st bash. It will be at my house in STC and in the barn (no animals). I will have food and a keg and some type of juice for the non-drinkers. We will have a bon fire, beer, food , pool, and movies in the barn and limited house access. My birthday is July 16th this year it is on a Sunday. So the party will start at 12:01 Sunday morn and hopefully go through the next day. The first Keg is on me the second will be a five dollar botomless cup. Also, for the lightweights, i.e Chris it will cost you a mere six dollars a cup. I would say bring your swim suits but we all know what booze + pool = NUDITY!!! So lets keep it rated R and not XXX that because my mum might kill me if she sees any of my friends having sex in or around her house/pool. RSVP with me before the party so I know how much of everything to get.

I wish I was STILL an only child!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, my mom and I were to go to Home Depot and get some paint and carpet for my room today. Then, Jerrad gets up and wants to go. imedatedly after that she says "I don't want to go." All, because she can't say no to him. WTF!!! She will go places with him and not me. Then her car breaks down agian and I am inconvininced yet agian. I can't drive my own car to and fro. Seriously GET A NEW FUCKING CAR. I don't mind every blue moon loaning my car out, but come on it is just about every other day now. Damn, I need to get away. I can't wait to go to the mall of America this summer and Ohio on Friday.

I feel like I am serving a perison term. I work two jobs and go to school full time. In reality I should be banking mad cash but I am not I am still paying bills off. I have not spent money on myself all year. I am really getting anncy to spend some money after this pay check I have decide to spend some of my money on me. I want to go to the outlet mall or maybe Great Lakes Crossing. Any takers, Jeff, Rachel??? I'm looking at you two.

So, the theater keeps trying to push me into the MIT position. I don't want to be a manager there. I am 20 going on 21 I feel like I am 20 going on 31. I want to enjoy my youth while I can and before I settle down and start a life of my own. I want to make my mistakes now so when I am in my forties I don't feel like I missed out on anything in this life. Yes, I have down a lot of thing thus far, but alas I want to more such as parities and I will avoid the whole getting so mashed thing like at Annas party. I think I handled myself, way, better at Al's preimer.

So, my grandmother is in the hospital. That is way I was able to get today off from work. On the lucky side of it all she is responeding better to the meds and just might pull it off. I feel a little bad about taking today off seeing how she might be okay, but I needed a day off where I don't have to do any homework. Well I have ran out of time, so I will pick my my rante a little later. Sorry about all the spelling mistakes I just don't care right now.

I have a fear.

My fear is that I will die younger than expected.
Not of nature, but of my own doing.
I have told myself that when my glacuma gets worse and I lose my eye sight my life will end.
I am not the type of person that can live as a dependent.
Not being able to see will not help.
But if the meds do what they are suppose to and then the surgery releases the presure I should be fine.
If that is true then why the hell am I so scared? if all these things are to make be better and keep my eyesight I should be okay. Why do I feel so bad???????

Yuke!

I FEEL LIKE DEATH, AND I LOOK THE PART TO BOOT. Seven more days until I am done with the Movie bussiness. If I did not know any better I swear I was pregant. I have motion sick, head achey, and I HAVE AN ODD APPITE. Well, talk to you all later.

HI!

This is the longest amount of time I have kept a job, since senior year in High school. This year is looking very promiseing. I am currently hopping that they don't promte me at GKC for the simple fact that I would like to cut my hours and go down to seanal help. I can't do two jobs and school full time. I proally could if they were normal hours not 20 19 hours at Webber on Mondays, Wedensdays, Fridays, 20 hours at GKC Friday, Saturday, Sunday and the occisonal Wedensday shift. Not to menichen school from 8:30-4 on Tuesday and Thursday. I have to admit the money is great $400 a pay check fits in my pocket so nicley.

I have paid off all but 600$$ of my credit cards. Yeah for me! Now when I get the mail I don't hear "Bills, bills, bills" by Destinies Child. ( I know that was a little gay.) Well, I must go and finsh my homework I have socialology stuff to finsh and yes I did drop my photography class.


_Good Night, Good luck and God Speed to all, except Bush.


P.S

I geuss Cheny's not the smart one he shot someone. HMMM so where are the brains in this administration?????

Friends mean this to me

A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.
A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.
One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement: friends of the clean air movement.

If you feel this fits you then read on if not and you still want me to be around stop reading NOW!

At the risk of lossing some friends and strengthing my existing friendships I have to say this. I am not Stirght nor am I Gay. I am attracted to both men and women and this causes me a lot of problems in my life. I know atleast two of my friends that understand and are ok with my situation. I hope this doesn't cost me any friendships. *Note the people that read this are usually Anna, Rachel, Jeff, Chirs and the rest of the Newsyndcate people. I hope you all will understand this and if you didn't know DUHHH! LOL tring to be funny haha.

Hmmm, after thinking about that title Eminem might try and sue me. Oh well, I have no money, one crappy job, and one great job, I owe on my car and cardit cards, and I owe life in general. I highly doubt that he will get much out of me.

I am so bored and have no ryhme or reason for it; that is just what I am. I think I have finally decided and agreed on what school to transfer to, in the fall. Yes it is true that I am (most likely) going to attend SVSU for my Bacholers degree. (Is it Bacholers or Bacholors?) What else. Yes, I know it's a long time away, but I am quitting GKC (again) on July 17, 2006(the day after my 21st b-day). All this is depent on two things. One I don't get fired from them or from Project Pride and secondly that Project Pride calls me back for next school year. I think they will Mr. Erwin (the princeple) seems to like me. Also, so I can save money I will be living on campus in a campus apartment. I have not reached the conclusion wreather or not if I am living alone or willing to get a roomate; all I know is that I don't think another bill or set of bills in this case would be a good idea.

With me staying at SVSU and only working one job and only needing to consintrate on my car note I should have some free time. Free time- time to think, relax, and do whatever I damn well please. Hmm, I smell something cooking in my little head. What else to write or bitch about??


I HATE SAGINAW!!!

1) The jobs are crap ( I mean who in the hell wants to work for 6-7 dollars an hour?)

2) To many people are getting shot at (where I and Rachel work durring the day.)

3) It's becoming very unsafe to live anywhere other then the townships, and who the hell can afford that area making 6 or 7 dollars an hour.??!!

4) Not that many atractive or interesting people around here.

5) All the fun things contain spending lots of money. I AM A POOR COLLEGE KID. I don't have the freaking money to spend on them.

6) No good concerts ever come here.

7) Every one knows every one.

8) Did I mention it's boring?

9) Certain areas have a really funky smell to them.

10) Over 50% of the people in this town/city are extremly rude to the workers in the meaningless and pointless jobs.

The End!
Fin

So I don't Forget!

I would like to plan a trip to NMU in Febuary 21 for all of those intrested in going with me (this includes you Jeff). Let me know soon cuz I am going to look for a Hotel. Let me know by the 21st of January.

My New Idea.

How many people have wished for a better way to take of a girls underwear. I know I have. So here it is. Clap-on-clap off unerwear for men and women. It is what every stripper, partier, and plan old slut needs. The more one claps the lower the underwear falls. I will be taking orders for them and yes I this is a Pattent Pending Idea. So no one can copy it HAHAHAAHA!

Jeff can I put you down for a few pairs?

Anna we know it is in the mail.

Rachel would you like a thong and regular underwear?

Chris you are not alowed to see the catalog at all!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The End!

As 2005 draws to an end, we must take notice of what has happened. 2005 has brought us all a little closer to people that we went so close with in years past. Along with closeness this year has put us further away from people that we may have been very close to before. What we must rememeber most of all, is that we still know who will be in our corner for as long as we live. I am not talking about a lover, parent or what ever, but of a true friend. In our little circle, we have trust and faith in our friends to guide us through the darkest of times and to the brightest of them. We all have our disaggrements with one-another, but at the end of the day we know they will have our backs. If 2006 manages to put distiance between us and not talk to one for days, weeks, months and yes even a year or more. We know that when the time is right we can pick up the phone, get on AIM, e-mail or snail-mail, and that person will responed as soon as they can. For that I am greetful that I know you all now and that if this distance happens, we will be able to start up a converstion like we had just talked hours ago. So, I now say thank you 2005, and hold my glass up high and welcome, with most uncertainty 2006. And, I also admit that the unknowingness, will be much apperiated and now my friends lets drink our drinks and live our lifes and enjoy our lifes. Make the most of 2006 and never look back. If you look back you might miss what is right in front of you and never even know it!

I know I know.

So, I have decided to make a list of the New Year Resolutions for 2006. I am doing this, because last year's worked out really great. I lost the weight, went somewhere fun and got a new car. My goals for 2006 are as follows.

1) Losse me weight.

2) Save more money (i.e live on my budget.)

3) Be more relaxed.

4) Go somewhere fun (again).

Those are my goals.

Winter in Michigan Sucks Ass!

Twice in one day I skided off the road and landed in some snow. Earily Friday morining I hit some black ice on M52 and did a three 360. I ended up on the side of the road and was able to drive my car out of it. On my way home from the other job, I saw a deer and thought it would be a good idea to stop, this was my mistake, I lost control and skided right into a ditch. With this, I had to call home and my step-dad came to try and tow me out, but alas, he could not, because of the ice. I called a tow truck and paid him 100$$$$$$ for ten minutes of work. I now get to pay another 100$$$$$$ to have my car towed to the mechanic and have my engine belt replaced along with my passenger blinker fixed and some time down the road I need to have a new bumper put on. Now for the icing on the cake, if you will, I added all of this up and the amount came 495 dollars for all the work needed to get my car fixed.

Here's the list.

200 for towing,

150 for the bumper (used to save cost)

45 dollars for the white paint

55 dollars for the engine belt

-Cash recived back from the insurance company is 70% of the towing. That's another 140 dollars I get back.

+Now I have the money to pay for the labor. Which is, 140 dollars.
= 495. Less then my Auto Owners detuctable. Which is, 500 smackers.
I hate this shit, especailly with Christmas right around the corner.

Holidays Suck!

Okay my hats off to my mom for cooking an awsome feast. The turykey and all the trimmings were devine. I got to hold my baby cousin for hours and played with my older cousins in the pool at the hotel room, that my Aunt got.

Shortly after black Friday, things went sour. My mom, grandmother, aunt Bianca, brother and my other two cousins went to Frankenmuth to stay at a hotel, so they could go swinmming. I could not stay with any of them cuz I had to work. On the way home from Frankenmuth my mom and grandmother got into a fight. Appartently my Aunt Bianca said to my mom "I'm not buying Ryan presents this year, sorry about your luck." Well that is fine with me and my mom cuz I am an adult and really don't need more gifts. But what pissed my mom off was the sorry about your luck shit. Then my grandmother went off on my mother about the whole thing. After my Aunt Bianca applogize. So I geuss we won't be having Chirstmass as a family. My mom, god bless her stubborness, refusses to go to Ohio after Christmas. I really don't blame her. But why send me!? So this is an invite to my friends any one interested in going with me to go to Ohio let me know.

Where Is The Christmas Party?

Many things going on in my little head. First of all how are we gonna do the Christmas thing and secondly who wants what. I know Rachel and I usually exchange gifts, but neither one of us has brought it up. We could just skiping give gifts and rent movies and eat pizza, that could save every one some money. I would much rather perfer to do that then buy gifts. I am not in the Christmas season yet.

Secondly, I have to wonder if we all have lost our minds. Rachel, Chris, and I have all cut our hair way short, like it was summer or something. I do have to admit that we do look good with short hair. I think I am going to keep my hair short, I just need to buy a few winter hats.

Bad Day and I've only been up for about two hours.

Okay, I was listening to club 93.7 and I knew the answer to the question and all the phone did was ring and ring. I knew it was the right number, because I called it before to request a song and saved it in my phone (new phone not old one). So when somebody got through and answered the question but it was wrong. Yet they still gave her the prize. The question was "What rap artist did Bart Simpson run away to see?" Right Answer Alchtraz played by Luda. Their answer was 50 cent. Idiots. I called and the phone ring and ring. Then another person got through and told them they had the wrong answer and then told them the right answer and now those two are in the drawing to see the billboard awards in Las Vegas. Granted I don't want to see the awards show, but the free trip to Vegas would have been nice. If I would have won and the probability is very slim that I would win, but if they would have answered the phone I could have been in the drawing.

I've been busy.

Later on, that Thursday, Jeff and I go to McDonald's and this random hottie wants my number. So she had a friend get it from me to give to her. I do of course and when it is time to leave I tell her that Jeff and I are going to Barne and Nobles for some books. They don't show and she doesn't call me. Still the thought was nice at least.

While at Barnes and Nobles I find my second text "28 Days to fabulous sex," it's a great book. Which brings me to a new problem. I have to do a presention and I need models. Yes, I need a man and women. I just might be able to cough up a few bucks if somebody agrees to do it. The pictures will be done tastefully and NO PRIVATE PARTS WILL BE SHOWN TO THE CLASS. If there's any two people out there willing, to be nude in front of the camera and not totally out of and not totally in shape, let me know.

Flattered, TurnedOn and Kinda Wierded Out!

I was running behind schdule to get to school today so when I got here I sent chris up ahead so he wouldn't be late for class (seeing how my first class isn't untill 11 I had plenty of time). AFter I got situated and started walking to the school, this random guy apporaches me and ask if I wanted to skip and go have sex with him. All I could say was " Not right not, but, maybe later." Hmmmm. What a wierd way to start the day.

What A Party.

WOW! That is the best word to describe last night. I had a great time for the most part. The other, I would rather enjoy to forget and never talk about it agian. Lets see I got drunk meet some really cool people. Drank and smoked a lot. I mean I smoked a lot. I remeber, almost, all of it. I rember saying many things, and seeing many things and showing many people my genitals. Which I haven't done in a long time. However, if I am ever invited to another party hosted by Anna and her mates (roomates) I will defintly go and enjoy myself. I will not drink as much as I did last night. nor will I bring a date. Yea, I have to laugh my date found someone else and yea spent the night with him. Note they did not have sex, but hey to each their own right? Fun was had and lessons learned. Time to rember the good and forget the bad.

I Hate Giving up!

I had to drop my Geology class, that sucked big time. Not because I wanted to, but I had to. I don't like to give up. I wasn't raised a quiter, so I hate quiting. I had no choice though, I mean I had 124 points out of 225. Little more then 50%. I droped, because I have no time to do the work nor study for the tests. I hate that because I have never failed a class before in my life and I was so close and I had no way of getting my grade up to passing. Here I thought, I was gonna be done with class at the end of winter, but now I have to take a full load during the spring.

The good news, anyway, is that I can transfer to a Theatre in Marrqute and not be jobless. I get to keep my car. That is only if I get accepted at NMU. I should, I have the credits, or will have them anyways. My GPA meets the requirments for the school as well. So I'm hoping and prying to get in. Well I must go now I am skipping the rest of the day cuz I feel like shit. This is not part of the emotional feelings, but the fact that I am sick.

My New Job.

I started my new job today. I was really shocked to find out that I really like what I am now doing. Yeah, I am tutoring a math class, but I do get to use the teacher edition. I will also be shadowing some students around to their english class as well. Well that is all for now I will type more later.

I'm Coming Back....

So I woke up at eight this morning and then got a job. I will be working at Webber Jr. High School. I start monday. I am so happy. Well I gotta go and enjoy the thought of having two jobs bye.....

Change is Good.

Rachel helped me (well did a lot of work) for my new page. I like it a lot it is very different and that is what I want to go for. I am tring to change and be a happier verison of myself, but I'm not sure what else to do. I can't afford to buy new clothes nor take a trip. However, I do want to go to a far and distint place, Amstedam, Italy, Ireland, anywhere but here. Well I am off to sleep for school night all.

Life is A Bitch!

My car is costing me about 900 dollars that I don't have. I need two new tire. I had a blow out on my way to work to day, that caused me to leave early that equals less money in my paycheck. Secondly, my car needs a new engine bolt. That means they have to unhook my motor then retherad the opening and replace it and hook it all back up. 600 plus. Shit it might even be a nice thousand dollars. Tires fine I can put those on my Sears card. The motor bolt with cost me, cuz my thousand dollar card is at the max. All I can do is hope to finish my FASA forms so that I can get that check and pay off my bills and get my car worked on. God I can't wait to go to the Doctors tomorrow and see if I can get meds. err life is a whore.

Thoughts of Suicde!

Well, I have been feeling a little down and I hoped it would have passed, I was wrong. Last night I was thinking about how easy it would be to slit my wrist. I then knew I needed help. I am going to the Doctors Friday at 9:40 am. I am hopeing that he will give me something, because I really don't feel like talking to people about my scary little mind right now. Furthermore, I don't know where I would start to list my problems. They really would range from step-dad's mental issues (drinking), moms needing to have everything done one way, right to school, work and any little problem in between.

I have been contemplating self-medications, but that would not be very healthy for one to do. I don't much care for the ideas of anti-depressents either, but anything has to be better then this. Well now I must go and finish my homework.

Random Thoughts.

I have everything, but want nothing.

I need nothing, but crave everything.

I am not happy nor am I sad.

I am not depressed nor am I repressed.

I think to much and over analyze, this life.

This is my life and I can't wait for it to change.

I have had these feelings for a while now and they just won't go away. I can't help, but wonder what is the problem with me. The things I love no longer bring me plessure, the things I hated still make me suffer. I fear that this life will get me down more and more. I refuse to go and seek help for fear of being locked away. Since I have returned all I have wanted is to leave again. To often, have I dreamt of getting in my car and leaving. I know running from the past is not the answer nor is confronting it. The past is just that the past and it is dead, but yet it lives on in my brain; which I have, recently, discovered to be a scary place. I dream of a life where I can be free. I realize that I do a lot of this myself, but I don't get how to stop it. Is it wrong to love what I have, but want to change to so very much? Oh how I wished I had the answers for all the question I have in my head. Oh won't somebody come and save me from this torture I, have, to call life? I wonder and pry that someday I will have the passion I once did. Never wanting to back down from a fight, well verbal one. But, for now, I have to live with my broken sprit and I hate it. Will I ever be happy again?

Yeah I Did It. What's Your Point????

Find me on MySpace and be my friend!


Yeah I told you I did it here is the link to My Myspace page. bye

Three More Updates!!!

Hello.

Three more updates and I will have a hundred of them. Wow, that is cool, not really but I can fake it.

After this semster and winter, maybe even spring I will have my macro completed. That makes me really happy, because that means I get to go far away from this area. I was checking out Marqutte last night online and they have a pretty good job market. I figure that if I polish up my resume and shit I might be able to get a good job. Here goes everything.

My game plan.....

My game plan is to recive my Bachlors then go to a grauate school. Then some time after that is all done I will go and get a life....

Bonfire!?!?!?!?!

The fire was good, despite the fact that about everyone was passed out except for Jeff, Paul, and of course Rachel (who did not drink) and Chirs because I brought them. Chirs still can't hold his booze. I don't want to hear about your tolerencey level Chris. Also you have 40 days to find a Girlfriend that is visible, and willing to be seen with you in public. Also, this has to be a girl that you don't know. And when you loose you will owe be 40 dollars.

I really enjoyed myself; I got to drink, and Chirs got smashed after two drinks of his "Rum 151" dork. He kept falling over and laughing like a little girl. He also kept bringing back trees to put on the fire. Normally that is okay, but when the trees are wet it's not good.

The weekend after my 21 st I am borowing my parents camper and planing a camping trip. Chirs if you come you have to bring a tent; I don't clean up vomit. All is invited to the camping trip just pich-in for the booze and such. Also if anybody is interested in the camping trip let me know so that way I can plan and save up. Well leave a comment and let me know what you think, bye.

Halloweeen!

Looking forward to the "White Strips" tonight. Not quite sure why, I don't perticularly like the white strips ( I use it correct once, that's all you get.)

Really looking forward to Anna's Halloween party. Going to it as Jack Sparrow, as you all know. Miss. Rachel is doing my makeup, tattoo, and loaning me some of her hair, for my beard, perverts!

Ummm. I thought I had more to say about random shit in my life. I was wrong, now wasn't I???? Well this is my 95 update. 5 more and I will have a 100. Leaving now talk to you all later.

Screaming on the inside!

I am DEPRESSED! This time, however, it is worse then ever before. My independence is shrinking. I have to borrow money to make my car payment next month. I, almost, hate life. Conetemplating!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have an idea on what my book will be about when I start writing is unknown.

Some one Asked Me!

Some one asked me what my dreams and hopes are for the futrue?
I had no idea how to answer that question. I want a career, family, and a home, but I want more. I want people to know who I am and what I did. I know I really don't care for the idea of having to walk down the isle and saying " I do", when in reality I proably don't. I doubt that I would like to get devorced just because I don't like to share. Not that I am selfish ( my friends all know that I would give the shirt off my back to help them out) I just don't like the idea of shareing my kids, If any at all. I also look down at the idea of spliting my assest in half because I don't care for this person anymore. I do like the idea of growing old with somebody and to have somebody there to travel with me. I mean I can have a home, kids, career and more, but do I need to get married. Espcially if you add in the fact that I don't belive in true love. "Love is an abcess that forms in the heart and burst in the ass." Quote from my great-great-grandmother, I think. I mean if I choose to have kids I can adopt. I mean I was raised by a single parent for the most of my life and I turned out just fine. I think I feel this way because I have yet to see a marriage work from beginging to death. I will say this marriage has its up and downs but can anyone tell me the real point behind it. Many people get married because they are pregent, scared of being alone, money, I mean the list goes on and on. But why do so many people get married and devorced and married agin. To me it is pointless but to each there own I geuss.
To answer the question, I want my career first, to educate people, and own my own business, have a home, and then kids. I really don't see a wife in the picture until I am old. I don't think I am wrong to say this or think it. It is the way I want my life to be and the way I need it to be. Granted I won't have somebody else to help me out with problems but I will have family and friends, right? Well I am off to bed to better comtemplate my life and ambishins and such. Let me know what you think.

Why?

This post is entitled "Why?" Today I had a cheap affair with a person from work. Not the one that I really have a crush on but a girl that was willing to have just sex. I realize as a man I should be like HELL FUCKING YA! But part of me says " You should have waited a little longer." I think about the first time I had sex and the times inbetween and this time. They have not been realtionships but just, no strings attached, sex. I like it for the most part; espacially when they come back for more and more. But I geuss I am just looking for that person that is more then a good lay. But inorder for me to do that I geuss i need to get out and meet people. Hmmm? easier said then done.

I Want To Go Somewhere Fun.

I have been looking into vactions. I can fly to Paris for just under 1,000 dollars a person, or Italy for the same amount, or San Diego. I really want to go somewhere for spring break. If anyone is semi-interested in going somewhere, fun and different, let me know. I might even think about New York. Let me know.

Toga, Toga, Toga!

Well I was talking about haveing a Toga party, since last night at least. I ran it through the Mother, surpriseingly enough she said " Well, there is no way I am going to miss a Toga party." "You're turning 21 next year so on July 15, 2006 we will have a Toga party." All of my friends are invited plus a guest. One or two catches. 1) EVERY ONE MUST WEAR A TOGA. ( A sheet tied into a not over the shoulder. Need better example Willma flintstone's outfit. 2) You drink you sleep here. I will be mailing out invites sometime in March or June. It's going to be raither small. My friends plus twenty or thirty people so fourty or so people. Please let me know if the three people that seem to read this, will be showing up?

To Whom It My Concern.

What is worse, feeling feelings towards somone who is so far out of your league that you could only imagine being with them. Or have such strong feelings for a person that if they felt that way about you, as well, that niether of you can act on these feelings? Well, this is my predicament and I think I am just going to stay friends with this person and never let my feelings show. For the simple fact that I don't want any wierdness between us.

Furthermore, I want a new screen name and have no ideas on what to change it to. So, if any of you have any ideas let me know. Bye.

Hi Y'all.

Sorry about not updating, but I don't feel to bad about it not a lot of people are updating either. Well I am now 20 years old, about 12 days ago. I have been busy I didn't take the Janitor job at work, kind of happy about that one though. it would have been just a lot more work and less time to do what I want. Lately I have been doing what I want more and more then normal. I have been craving some whieght lifting (Hmm Quinn maybe you could help me with that one). Guess I want to start my new year goal a little sooner. Seeing that I have already accomplished my goal for '05 get a job, keep it longer than three months, buy a new car, ( 99 dodge avenger) and losse 20 lbs. I did not do it in that order.

I think you all know that I had an awsome time you Eurpoe. If not then ask me, I will tell you all about it. Looking forward to going back to school. I think I am going to work a lot harder in school then I have in the past. Because, I am still considered a freshman until winter semster I think I am going to take 20 credits that semister then that will be about 47 credits then take about 13 credits in the spring so that way I can transfer to SVSU. WELL if anyone cares to leave a comment, that is fine with me.

Hmmmm?!

I have done a lot, but I don't feel like make a post, telling about them so oh well I am not going to.

Back from Europe!

Yes, I had an awsome time in England and Paris; I can't wait to go back in a couple years and go to Amsterdam. Three years from today my family is going to take a cruise from New York to England. The history and buildings were just mind blowing. I advise any one if they want to go and don't have a lot of money use priceline you get a lot for your dollar. Well I could talk for hours about my trip and such but my body is still on england time and I'm going to use it to my advantage and get stuff done today. Give me a call or something later.

So, yeah!

Well I leave for Europe on saturday getting a little nervous/excited about the hole flying thing; I have never been on a plane before.
Went to get an estimate done on my truck. Feel in love with a car there that my grand-father had at his shop. So when I come back he is going to sell it to me. Just to let you all know it is a white Dodge Avenger, this car is clean in side and out.
To help me pay for this new toy I got a promotion at work. I am now 3rd shift Janitor, head janitor and make good money. I make roughly 2.10 more an hour and it is 40 hours a week that is going to kill me when school starts up. well I am off to get ready for my last shift in my monkey suit talk to you all later.

this one looks fun.

1. Reply with your name and I will write something I like about you.
2. I will then tell what song reminds me of you.
3. If I were to apply an o'clock to you, I'll tell you what it would be.
4. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.
5. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.
6. I will tell you what color you remind me of.
7. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. Put this in your journal.

Summer.

This is going to be an amazing summer, for me at least. I am going to England and France, maybe Switzerland too. I am getting either a two door Tahoe I saw at a dealship or an Oldsmoble, for my birthday, I have to make the payments, however. I am turning Twenty; one more year before I can leagly drink. That is going to be a 7 day party there, I think I might take the week off from work and fly to Vegas. I am bored now and I have two days off back-to-back, if any one wants to do something hit me up. I think I have running around to do in the morning on monday, but then I am free till wensday when I have to close. TTYL.

Keys To My Heart. If anyone cares lol.

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.
In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.
You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.
Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.
You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.
In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What The Hell.

So yea, I got into the car accident and it took them two hours to write a ten line acedient report. That's not the hole story. So a state cop sees and hears that there was an accident and says that she can't do anything about it and that the township was bussy and they would be by in twenty mintues. Normally I would be a pateint person. But, after two hours my lower back started to hurt up and down my spine and through my kidneys. So finally when the cop that wrote the report up showed up it took about ten mintues. Even he was out raged about the problem. He said that the first state cop should have written the report up. Now I ask you what is wrong when police don't help some one in need. It was rather obivous that I was injured because I couldn't really stand up stright or sit for and amount of time. Luckily I have no majior injuries and the truck just needs a new bumper. That is all.

Your Birthdate: July 16

Your birth on the 16th day of the month gives a sense of loneliness and generally the desire to work alone. You are relatively inflexible, and insist on your being independent. You need a good deal of time to rest and to meditate. You are introspective and a little stubborn. Because of this, it may not be easy for you to maintain permanent relationships, but you probably will as you are very much into home and family. This birth day inclines to interests in the technical, the scientific, and to the religious or the unknown realm of spiritual explorations. The date gives you a tendency to seek unusual approaches and makes your style seem a little different and unique to those around you. Your intuition is aided by the day of your birth, but most of your actions are bedded in logic, responsibility, and the rational approach. You may be emotional, but have a hard time expressing these emotions. Because of this, there may be some difficulty in giving or receiving affection.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

What a Wicked Web We Weave Once We Practice to Decive.

That is a line from one of, William Shakespears play. I do like a lot of his plays, don't ask me why I just do. Do many people like things and don't know why? I do I like them, but I couldn't explain why if I tryed.

I talked to my boss about hours and asked if I could get more hours, seeing that I have an open avlability. So I have been getting awsome hours and I thought I would love it. How wrong I was. I have 34 and a half hours for next week and only one day off. Then my next schdule is turning out to be even odder. I will be working a double or two on saturday and friday, maybe even sunday I am not sure yet. I figure the more hours I get the better, but at what cost to me. I don't sleep much and I haven't had time to hang out with any of my friends, not that they have time to hang out either. If they do we have a schdule conflict. To tell you all the truth I don't know why I take the abuse of working my summers away and working and going to school all this time. To remady it I have been looking into studing aboard. Supposedly SVSU has a really good program for that. So do a couple of other schools I am looking into. I might have to just say hell with it and go to either CMU or OSU. Just for the room and bored that way I don't have to pay rent and I can save up so I am able to study in France, Ireland, England, Germany, Italy or any other country I so choose. well I have typed enough for one day so I will chat with ya'll later.

You Are 50% Normal (Somewhat Normal)

While some of your behavior is quite normal... Other things you do are downright strange You've got a little of your freak going on But you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself

How Normal Are You?

The Concert. By Ryan Palmer Ruiz de Castilla.

Rachel and I went to the Luda concert. Yes I enjoy Ludas music. I did not enjoy the two opening acts there. I thought they could have actually played some decent music. However, Ludas performance was rather good. Dispite the fact that he only played 45 mintues, that was longer thenI had expected. I honestly thought that SVSU just said luda was gonna be there. Because after the concert started at 8:30 (half hour late) the two opening acts then sucked and they were booed. What shocked me the most was the fact that there was no roits. Granted the concert mainly contained white kids that think they are black. But serisouly if I ever say lets go to a concert and they don't have an opening act right on the ticket, please shot me. Anyways I would like to see luda again but maybe at the civic center not the Ryder. P.s quinn the ryder center is way over rated.


On another note I am thinking about the casino on saturday. Any takers other than Rachel?????? I should be able to get out at around 10-11 12 am at the latest. Hti me up if any of ya want to go.

So Gorssed Out.

It all started out inocently enough then went to hell and a hand basket. I thought I would look at Ebay. com for some cars, seeing how Autotrader.com wasn't working for me, but no because I failed to payattenion my finger sliped and sent me to the wrong site. It wasnt not ebay but egay. I never rebooted a computer faster then I did at that excat(sp) moment. So if you don't see me at Delta things went bad for me. ;( that is all for todays update I am sure I will post again but not until friday night after my concert. Rachel if I don't ask you did you get friday off.

This is going to be a very long day for me.

Ok, Since I have been back I have not had a day to myself. That means that I have been working from April 2nd through today, that is roughly 17days. In the last two days I have gathered about 8 hours of sleep. Not good, because I have a 12 hour day yesterday and a 10 hour day today. With me working at 1:30 on tuesday I have to have all my homework done tonight, inorder to get a decent grade in my classes. To explain to you how tired I am, let me tell you about how I feel. My head hurts (brain wise), my eyes hurt (no contacts for me today,) and I can't, really, feel my legs very well.

Furthermore, all day, so far, I have had the feeling that I have been, being watched. Infact, my eyes are playing tricks, cuz whenever I look into the monitor I see some one right behind me and when I turn to look at this person I do not see them. And no the reflection is not of myself. I have not lost my mind, anyfurther then what I have thus far. Now I feel that I am rambling on and on, so I will take my leave as of now.

Why do I (We) Do This To Ourselves?

It is mandated that we go to school, at least, from Kindergarden- our 16th birthdays. Some of us go through High school. Then some of us to college. For what? Ultamately it is for money. But some choose a carreer that says here I am. Is it worth the money, time, and studing when we could be haveing fun. Instead we are stuck in a build two or more days a week. When, we are not inside we are working on papers or studing for classs, and then we work. It is a viscous cycle. That basicly is boiled down to money. The better of an education we get the better paid we become. If this is so, why are so many of us out of work? There are some collage grads that make 6 dollars an hour. Hmm! this is so wrong. We go bankrupt to get an education and then have to work meaningless jobs to pay for life. Until we find the job we went to school for, if that ever happens.

I Feel Like Shit.

Not, because I am sick, but because I can not afford to move out this summer. I really feel bad because I let Rachel down. If you know me I really don't like to let my freinds down, well at least I think I don't let them down. I am really mad with myself for letting me get so far behind in bills, agin. I just hope that she is not to pissed off at me. Well I am gonna go to bed and cry about my bills see you later.

My Theroy on Love!

First of all, why do we, now a days, feel that there is love in the world? Granted that you are suppose to love your family, but do you really. When a parent dies or Grandparent, we cry and morin. Are we crying because we really did love them or because we last a confidant? That is the norm. What I don't get is why are people looking for Mr or Mrs. Right. Why can't we just find the Right person for right now. Two people in my English class are ingaged to be married. If you are in love why do you need a piece of paper telling the world you are in love. Now, people get married for health insurance and a reteriement, I get that. When our parents were married it was either convenit, gotting of a child, or love,so they thought in many cases. Most of my friends have parents that are split up. Come to think of it I have two freinds that parents are married. I don't think one set of parents are happily married however, but I can't speak for the other ones. And if you want to get technical my mom has never been devoriced. She never married my dad. He was, in her words, Mr. Right now. I myself fell love is bothersome, yes sex is good but in our times we have a lot to worry about, STDS, kids, yes kids have always been a problem but still the teenage pregnecy is at all time high. I don't know am I just not getting it. I am that selfish that I don't want to share my life with a person. Or am I just a confermed Bachlor, for life. Or is it all possible that I will find the right person for life not for now? I don't know but I do know this I will not hold my breathe for said person. If you are out their and you are into a lot of the things I am into then leave me a message, if not piss or get off the pot.

I'm Back From My Vaction!!

I have to admit this, I LOVE THE SOUTH. Not just for the weather, that is the iceying on the cake, but I love the people. Not one rude person, except for the bitch at universal. I mean they all say "Hi honey, how are y'a?" "Do you want a Soda?" I was at the bar in Daytona with Grandma and Amber, and the bar tender was so sweet and hot. Every time she asked if we wanted a beer we all said "yes please." She commented that we have very nice manors or we have worked with the public and know how they are. Actually, my grandmother said both.

Later after we poored Grandma into her bed and my cousin mooned my mom. Amber and I went out. First so we didn't have to make an extra stop we hit the head. When I walked into the lobby bathroom, there were three very drunk college kids seeing how far they could piss. Needless to say that I saw more then I really cared to. Then when Amber walked into the bathroom there were two girls in one stall, she was pissed because they didn't invite her. Well we went out and watched the cops pull over 30 cars amin, well something like that, and saw a lot more drunk kids. There was this kid maybe 16 that had a fake ID bathering this nice girl so Amber and I went up and said "Honey I'm back" and the kid wanted to take a swing at Amber. She of coruse said you hit me you go to jail. He didn't know she was a women.

Then the next morning we lounged by the beach and stuff then headed to Skip's house, my grandma's cousin. His house was in the middle of nothing the closet store was a half hour away. That was the longest 16 hours of my life as well as everyone else's. That night we were kept up all night by Skip and his Fince screwing around, as well as Skips' house mates. Then my grandmother wanted out of the house at the buttcrack of dawn so, she washed her hair in the sink. Now Grandma hates to sleep in underwear, and she wears nightgowns. Well while she was washing her hair in the kitchen sink the ass was hanging out. Well Ken wanted some coffee as we went there the almost ramed his stuff up grandmas bum. lucky for grandma she stood up in time. Well we left at 6 am, and that was the itchest time of our lives. We were covered in flee bites. Needless to say we all cused her out, it was her idea to stay at skips and nobody could think of a way out.

Then we went to unversal, that was fun I wished we could have stayed longer and that i was 21 and not 19 going on 20. The Mummy ride was awsome, liked the Jaws ride and yes I am admiting I like Scherik's ride.

Now for the part that I didn't want to do but ended up liking it anyways. Savannah Gerogia. It was awsome. The ghosts, the shops and the buildings. I have to say I loved it a lot. So to recap my mom talked to a ghosts, saw a lot of good and bad things at Daytona, Grandma getting ass checked by a Charles Manson look alike, and my grandmother cusing out this little old women for being a bitch. The saddest part was coming home to 50 degree weather. Well I have to shhower and get ready for work now talk to you all later.