I have come to relize I am a better person then I thought I was. I geuss you could say I've had an apthany (sp if you know the right spelling for it let me know). I have realized I want nothing from my father. All, I want is to send him a letter and a picture to show him that without him I have become an up-standing person. The child he wanted dead and always wanted turned out pretty damn good if I say so my self. So for that fact and only that fact I will send him that note. And, when he dies I plan on going to his funeral just to see him for the first and last time. My, real concern is when I die, and if there is a haven will I have to see him. But, if my beleafs come true then I will proaly re-live my life, but if my life is good now and I am happy (dispite this unshakeable depression I am happy). Then what mistakes would I have to make.
This is the list of things I feel I do right.
1) Stand up for people that can't. The ill ones.
2)State facts when people are feeding lies to me or mine.
3)Defeand the people that mean the most to me.
4)I don't hold grudges unless you hurt me or mine.
5)I am not the jealous person. I am also happy for people that get things the proper way (work)
6)I am not really a racist. I just hate all people the use the system, people, and that don't like something cuz they are afarid. (sexuality)
7)I would give the shirt off my back if it would help one of mine.

Seven good reasons why I think this might be my last life as me. I wonder. I know it could have been better, but I don't think I would want any of it to change. The events in my life made me the person I am. I just have to make sure I remeber them. If I can do this I will not lose my roots...

This is the dream I had.

Picture it my room around 5:30 am (black and white). I was laying on my bed as if I were being crusifade (sp.)(Note I was hoviering over me in my bed.) I heard in my left ear "just slit'em let the scream roar from within. Let your pain end." Then at aproaxamtly 5:31 am I am awake. I have been awake ever since. This is really creapying me out. Could it be a sign that I should be less mean? Or am I just down in the dumps tring to grab a melonchly existince? I don't know what to do... I GIVE UP!!

You know what I miss a lot of things we would do as a group. I mean I like change. I mean I ended a long term job and now have two new jobs that are alot better. The one thing I dont miss is my phone. I mean I use to enjoy getting text messeages, phone calls and pictures, but now it seems to be getting out of hand. Just today I have recived 100 messages. I woke up at 11 am. this is rediculus. I am half tempted to cut my phone off all together. Maybe, I will just start shuting it off, at night. If I do that then some one who will need me to pick them up for some damn reason won't be able to get a hold of me. then I would be in all kinds of trouble. ERRRRRRRRR. Would Verizon let me set it up where I can say what messages and phone calls can go through until a certain time?? God that would be wonderful. But then the operator would end up tearing her hair out with some of the bullshit that gets sent to my phone. Lets see what else...

Oh, so my Uncle got arrested. They plastered his name and mug shots all of the news down home.
Kraig left to fend for myself this weekend it's kinda lonley. I miss him and he's only been gone a day. That fucker made me fall in love.

Hello, I have no clue what to write about. I am so confused... I don't have a clue why. My Doctor thinks I need to have some kind of mind drug. He thinks that my depression is making me ill. So after the blood work is done I will be part of the sedation crowd. Does that mean I will fit in more with the Orange County Crowd??? He laid out my option. Almost, all, of the drugs have sexual sideffects. I have no clue. I geuss I will take the meds, cuz the self-medications I have used have not worked to my liking. I will do what I need to do to get back on track.