AHHHHHH! I don't know why I am wanting to scream today, but I am. I was wondering should I stay in saginaw or move to MTP? I mean my friends are finishing up college. I only have about two- three years left of school and I can't see me moving up there when im at this stage in life...

Howdy.

Just updating. I no longer feel melodramatic. I wanna thank every one whose shoulders I have cried on in these past few days. I am getting the old me back. Getting, in the swing of the all nighters, and frustration with computers, because they don't wanna listen to what I want them to do. "Damn you ville computers" -Stewie Griffin. I will say this I am not looking for anything along the lines of love until I am done with school. If loves should pass me bye GREAT! I don't need the heartache. Yes, I am aware I am the one who ended it.

I am currently planning trips. Nowhere, extravagant, but nice. Come Spring break I will be booking a hotel room with a view of the ocean in Florida. The problem I have is that I am not sure what part. I have been to Daytonia , Coco Beach, Port Canvrail, and yes the all exclusive Cousins Skips house. I am planning a trip to either Las Vegas or Paris for sumer break. The week in between spring and summer classes (puke). They both will run about 800 dollars. Thank the plastic gods lol. I figured if I am working and going to school then my plastic will stretch. If I have about 500 cash then I should have my trips paid for by the time I need to take them. Who's game.

Dearest Kraig, I thought that you loved me in the beginning then I loved you. I now think that I love you more in the end. I didn't want to break up with you; especially on our ten month annaversery. I am writing this in hopes that you will find it. I broke up with you so you would be happy. I know and you know that we've been done since begining of summer. I honestly doubt we will be back together ever again. In a way you took my virginty. You are the first love of my life, I hope some day we can be friends. I hope you didn't stay with me cuz you thought I wanted it. I don't think that is true. You would have broke it off. I hope you're not mad at me for writng this, but I need to let this out. I have no strength to live and I don't want to fall in love ever again. I will understand if you don't want to see, talk to me ever again. Knowing that I had some one who loved me for a while was more then enough and for that I will not forget. But, for now I am a mess. I can't stop cring. I roll over at night and you're not there it kills me. I would love to be dead right now just so I can't feel the pain in my chest anymore. I will always love you and I hope you know I have never meant you harm.

I wanna go to Vegas for spring break... With a little crunching I have figured out the cost of the room. 600 for three nights. Now, I am willing to pay 300, if a couple of people would like to join they would have to pay 150 each.
no more the four people please. we might just drive. I figure we can go to vegas for spring break. if not I am going to fl. with or with out you all.

sup?


I give up... I need to change something in my life. I think I need to get my own place. I don't wanna move back home, my friends all have roommates, and I can't afford much a month. I don't know what to do. My ups and lows seem to be more rapid then ever before. I wonder if it's not time to seek medication? I use to enjoy the ups and downs, but this is really bad. I was fine this morning (little sick, vomited couple of times, but that's it.) just for some reason the last few mins, I've been spiraling downward. I know these swings are taking a toll on my relationship, I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm drowning and someone gave me an anchor instead of a life jacket. I don't know what to do. I'm a little scared I'm not sure what to do. Maybe if I throw myself into a project I will just preoccupy myself till it goes away. Or it will backfire like never before...

Dad.

To: the man who always wanted a son.

From: the son who never wanted you.


To sit here and write out everything I have pent up inside would be pointless, but it does need to be let out.

I hope it hurts you every day to know your son would rather stab out his own eyes and walk the desert forever then talk to you. If I make you proud you shouldn't be. I live this life to be proud of me. I love the fact that you will (better) die without ever seeing me. Don't worry I will be at the funeral. You will never meet my kin. You maybe a boxer, but I TKOED your sorry ass. I laughed when I heard stories about people kicking your drunken sorry ass. I hope you live well into old age so the thoughts of "what if?" will plague your dreams. I can only say you have the son you always wanted, but the son who doesn't want you! I hope you had a full life. If by the grace of god you read this, you have my permition to drop dead!

I hate people. I know I say this all the time and the words have started to losse there meaning, but in this case I do. Friday night Miss. Rachel and I went out drinking ( I notice I drink really fast) she then dropped me off at my house and I did some homework then went to sleep. I was up on and off all night. I was up at 5 am when my cousin left for work and then again at 6 cuz I had to pee. I should have checked on my car like I do every time I get up and pee at night or trippled checked my front door. I failed to do so and as a result they broke into my LOCKED CAR. This is how they did it. pushed down my window and put a wire coat hanger in it and pushed the lock down with said hanger. They took my cd player, 20 dollars in coins and a maxed out credit card, I know they know my social number cuz it was on a paycheck stub in my glovebox which is normally locked. I geuss I kinda lucked out cuz the spare keys were locked in it. The icing on the cake is the fact that I had to take the day off from work yesterday and deal with it. Come to find out saginaw cops don't bother looking for stolen items from a car. They only do that in the Townships. I see some corruption. I hate this city with a passion. The cops in this city couldn't find the plague if they were on a ship filled with rats carring it. I hate people...

I don't believe it I got a ticket today. 22 over the limit. I have to call my lawyer. I don't believe my luck lately. I have no mannor of luck. It seems to be that the cosmics are not in my favor anymore. The only thing going right,now anyways, is my realtionship. :)