So help me god.
I am going to make myself over. I am going to get a new job, get into shape and not allow myself to be used any more. I am so tired of people that use people for personal gain. If you think this is about you then either you've used/use people or me. I have to say I am not broken hearted just hurt that things went the way they did. Yes, signs were there and they told the truth and when grandma says something you need to know that's the truth. People come and go, but true friends stay with you. Despite all the things I've been through this feels like the worse. Maybe, we need to talk maybe not all I know is that I am not going to let this shit get me down anymore. I'm done. My heart is now calis to these things. I will survive, but can you say the same? This new year will bring so much happiness I can't wait. I'm done with the users.

I'm done. I am so out of this state. I am not meant to live here. I am not meant for happiness here. I will be miserable for life if I were to be doomed to stay here any longer than I have to.

I am truly starting to hate the holidays. I think it might be my family. We're to opinionated to be couped up inside with all of us. I actually got into an argument with my Aunt. I never argue with anyone other than my mother and grandmother. People just piss me off to no end. I am so the type of person that will UPS my families gifts to them. I just don't see why we have to spend every holiday together. If I saw you on Thanksgiving and you were healthy then I can wait till January to see you next time.

In my opinion when you add stress+family+not feeling well= LOT'S OF YELLING!!!! I wish people would mind there own business and keep out of mine if I'm not breaking the law then I'm okay. I can't wait till the end of this semester.

This is probably going to be the worse one ever. I am looking at academic probation. I will have to get nothing less then 2.5 to stay in school. They HAVEN'T told me this, but I am preparing myself for it. I just struck out this term and don't understand it. I think it might be the stress of not making money and the whole depression thing. I am officially over that if anybody cares to know. I have decided that I need to love myself, before I can love another.

I know it's extremely early to be thinking about the goals for next year, but here is the roughest of rough drafts I can put together.

1) MY OWN PLACE (Achieved I move in May.)
2) Get a good job. (By good I don't mean more then minim wage, but at least 30hrs/per/w)
3)Travel. (Las Vegas for spring break. March 3-6 ish)
4) New Car.
5) Savings account
6) Get into shape. ( This was placed here on purpose. I say it every year and every year I lose 10lbs and gain it back. With my own place I will buy the food I need to eat to lose more than ten lbs and did I mention that I am going to use the CMU gym)
7) Be happy.
8) Be a better friend. I have noticed that I always turn the subject around I think I am giving advice, but I don't think it is taken that way.
9) Spend more time with people and less time with me. I am the only one that can play my emotions and I play them like a fiddle.
10) And just have fun.

If you would like to add an adventures to mine let me know via myspace. I am attempting to composite a list of places I haven't been and places I have been to and want to see more of. I know I can drag Rachel. Let me know.

"I'll call you tomorrow."

I hate that fucking line. I expect it out of someone who I just meet, but not from people that I've known for a while. I say this, cuz I feel like I am being ignored. This person and I had plans I canceled cuz my cousins needed a sitter. Family comes first to me. No problem. I call them later. "I'm bussy call you tomorrow." I send text message yesterday at ten pm. Call me. No response. Send them a message this morning. Getting conerned. No response. Hmm, the motherfucker is ignoring me and now I'm pissed. Thought we were gonna do something last night so I didn't make any plans. I spent the night at home waiting on a call. I don't know what to do. What really melts my butter is the fact that it feels like I am being ignored. I have done nothing to recive this negitve treatment. I really hate people. I think I am moving to MTP in May. I have to fill out some paper work but it might work out that way. go me.

Hi all. Well I don't get it. I am turning into Anna; maybe even surpassing her. I just can't say no to sex. Every time I am chatting with friends online one thing leads to another and we end up having intercourse. I don't know why I can't say no but it feels so good just to have sex. Granted one of us is usually walking kind of funny the next day or so, but we both have smiles on our faces.

I found out something even more interesting last night. This proves I am right about crazy people being drawn to our little click. it must be, because we're all a little crazy??? Well any who here is the news. Corey ( Rachel's former SVSU roommate) has been hospitalize. I was talking to a well known source about this and it's true. "What happened was she just snapped." the source tells me. "She started hanging around every one here and creped out some of the customers and well she got kicked out of the bar." Checking her last logins this maybe be true. However, if it is true this proves to me that the mentally ill are drawn to us. Here is my proposal lets all change our majors and be shrinks. The crazies are gonna find us no matter what. If you have proof that this story is NOT true then please let me know and I will erase it till then the story stays.

I don't get it.


I feel physically fine; just emotionally I feel like shit. I don't know if it's the old me poking it's way through again. Or a lack of direction in my life. For the first time in my life I don't know what I want. I can't stand this. I always know what I want. I don't know what I want right now. Most people want love, romance, and all that. I don't I couldn't tell you what I want. I want to be happy. I don't know what to do to feel happy. The usual things don't do it. I geuss if I move to MTP I will begin to get happy for once.

Hi. I've been sick and unable to reach my laptop. I'm still a little whozy. My fever is down. I had to take sudifed. I am not happy about that. I don't like studifed.

Okay, I'm moving. I can't do it here anymore. I need a change I need something to push me forward and stop tring to hang on to the past. It's like everyone is going on and I'm still stuck in the past. Maybe a move will do me good. Let me reconnect with myself and help me realize I am and always will be better on my own. As long as I have my friends and family I will be good. I am tring to figure out my emotions, but fail at every turn. I have decieded that that past is the past and there is no seanse in fixing what is done. All I want to do is remeber the good times, but latly I am fixed on the bad. Not just in my personal life, but family, and work. I have decieded that I am appling for a mentor program for the MTP schools and to work the door and the Blue Goator bar. Contemplating something that will help me find my passion again. I fell as if I am a total lost. I am gonna go back to thearpy and hope they will give me the tools I need to fix my life. With the prostpects of a new job I have decieded to sell my car at tax time, I dunno what I'm gonna get, but beat your ass it will be another hot car. I am gonna go on a much needed vaction. I was planing on going to London over Christmass, but have changed my mind and am going to London in June. Maybe, I won't come back maybe I will. I just want to be happy. It's been years since I felt happy and I 've noticed today I miss it like no other. I am not meant for a relationship happiness, but happiness in my proffisonal life. My goals are changing. Although I want to be an educator, I want my own company. Nothing big but nice. I want my own bars (serires of bars), chain of movie theaters. I want a kid. I don't want a kid with my DNA, we all know that would not be the best. My DNA is basicly unknown and I think I am gonna keep that. I have realized that I don't need to know who my father is, nor which person is my grandfather. Although, those things are swell I don't need them. I know who loves me and who doesn't and I am just fine with the people that love me. Never again will I allow myself to get hurt. To get hurt makes you valunerable to be valunerable is to be weak minded. We all know I am not weak minded nor am I valunerable. I noticed a wierd change in me. The old me is gone the new me is kind of more fun. I want to go places I don't want to be home, but I don't want go to the bar. Drinking has lost all fun for me. I would like to end this update with a quote, however I can't remeber who said it; it's just one of those quotes you know exist, but can't remeber who said it. "My pen is the sword and my brain is the theasurs. As long as I have ink, my pages will be filled. My theasurs is my brain. My brain can swim the deepest lakes filled with words. As long as the lake is full I shall never be at a lost for words."

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? I thought I was unhappy... I don't think that's the case, cuz now I am miserable. I don't feel like I belong any were. I don't find happiness any where. What am I going to do? I think I messed up. I think CMU was a mistake. I need to finish school. That is if I don't flunk out first. I need to pull all C's this term. With the amount of work and the fact that they gave me a five day a week schdule is pointless. I can't shake this feeling like I'm going to make a lot more mistakes, before the year is up. I just don't wanna do anything stupid.

You self-protective Crabs have a hard shell and a soft, sensitive inside. You tend to take your relationships quite seriously, and although you have high ideals, you'll choose a partner who is authentic, though imperfect, over an unrealizable dream lover. You do, however, have your fantasies, especially this year as imaginative Neptune opposes the "make it real" planet, Saturn. Your heart is easily wounded, not because of increased sensitivity but because you are likely to reach further than usual, thereby setting yourself up for romantic disappointment. Don't get discouraged during the summer when Venus, the love planet, does her retrograde dance. If someone special doesn't live up to your unrealistic expectations, reevaluate the situation and move forward once you know the truth. But don't use this as an excuse to withdraw emotionally or you may isolate yourself from the very love you so strongly desire.

*This article is excerpted from the book, 'Your Astrology Guide 2007' by Rick Levine and Jeff Jawer, astrologers for Tarot.com. To find out your key dates and those of your friends and lovers -- and to get the scoop on your Super Nova days, too -- purchase this book.


Hmm, I wonder if this is true or not??? I know the truth about "Horoscopes" Rachel and I did a project in high school on em...

AHHHHHH! I don't know why I am wanting to scream today, but I am. I was wondering should I stay in saginaw or move to MTP? I mean my friends are finishing up college. I only have about two- three years left of school and I can't see me moving up there when im at this stage in life...

Howdy.

Just updating. I no longer feel melodramatic. I wanna thank every one whose shoulders I have cried on in these past few days. I am getting the old me back. Getting, in the swing of the all nighters, and frustration with computers, because they don't wanna listen to what I want them to do. "Damn you ville computers" -Stewie Griffin. I will say this I am not looking for anything along the lines of love until I am done with school. If loves should pass me bye GREAT! I don't need the heartache. Yes, I am aware I am the one who ended it.

I am currently planning trips. Nowhere, extravagant, but nice. Come Spring break I will be booking a hotel room with a view of the ocean in Florida. The problem I have is that I am not sure what part. I have been to Daytonia , Coco Beach, Port Canvrail, and yes the all exclusive Cousins Skips house. I am planning a trip to either Las Vegas or Paris for sumer break. The week in between spring and summer classes (puke). They both will run about 800 dollars. Thank the plastic gods lol. I figured if I am working and going to school then my plastic will stretch. If I have about 500 cash then I should have my trips paid for by the time I need to take them. Who's game.

Dearest Kraig, I thought that you loved me in the beginning then I loved you. I now think that I love you more in the end. I didn't want to break up with you; especially on our ten month annaversery. I am writing this in hopes that you will find it. I broke up with you so you would be happy. I know and you know that we've been done since begining of summer. I honestly doubt we will be back together ever again. In a way you took my virginty. You are the first love of my life, I hope some day we can be friends. I hope you didn't stay with me cuz you thought I wanted it. I don't think that is true. You would have broke it off. I hope you're not mad at me for writng this, but I need to let this out. I have no strength to live and I don't want to fall in love ever again. I will understand if you don't want to see, talk to me ever again. Knowing that I had some one who loved me for a while was more then enough and for that I will not forget. But, for now I am a mess. I can't stop cring. I roll over at night and you're not there it kills me. I would love to be dead right now just so I can't feel the pain in my chest anymore. I will always love you and I hope you know I have never meant you harm.

I wanna go to Vegas for spring break... With a little crunching I have figured out the cost of the room. 600 for three nights. Now, I am willing to pay 300, if a couple of people would like to join they would have to pay 150 each.
no more the four people please. we might just drive. I figure we can go to vegas for spring break. if not I am going to fl. with or with out you all.

sup?


I give up... I need to change something in my life. I think I need to get my own place. I don't wanna move back home, my friends all have roommates, and I can't afford much a month. I don't know what to do. My ups and lows seem to be more rapid then ever before. I wonder if it's not time to seek medication? I use to enjoy the ups and downs, but this is really bad. I was fine this morning (little sick, vomited couple of times, but that's it.) just for some reason the last few mins, I've been spiraling downward. I know these swings are taking a toll on my relationship, I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm drowning and someone gave me an anchor instead of a life jacket. I don't know what to do. I'm a little scared I'm not sure what to do. Maybe if I throw myself into a project I will just preoccupy myself till it goes away. Or it will backfire like never before...

Dad.

To: the man who always wanted a son.

From: the son who never wanted you.


To sit here and write out everything I have pent up inside would be pointless, but it does need to be let out.

I hope it hurts you every day to know your son would rather stab out his own eyes and walk the desert forever then talk to you. If I make you proud you shouldn't be. I live this life to be proud of me. I love the fact that you will (better) die without ever seeing me. Don't worry I will be at the funeral. You will never meet my kin. You maybe a boxer, but I TKOED your sorry ass. I laughed when I heard stories about people kicking your drunken sorry ass. I hope you live well into old age so the thoughts of "what if?" will plague your dreams. I can only say you have the son you always wanted, but the son who doesn't want you! I hope you had a full life. If by the grace of god you read this, you have my permition to drop dead!

I hate people. I know I say this all the time and the words have started to losse there meaning, but in this case I do. Friday night Miss. Rachel and I went out drinking ( I notice I drink really fast) she then dropped me off at my house and I did some homework then went to sleep. I was up on and off all night. I was up at 5 am when my cousin left for work and then again at 6 cuz I had to pee. I should have checked on my car like I do every time I get up and pee at night or trippled checked my front door. I failed to do so and as a result they broke into my LOCKED CAR. This is how they did it. pushed down my window and put a wire coat hanger in it and pushed the lock down with said hanger. They took my cd player, 20 dollars in coins and a maxed out credit card, I know they know my social number cuz it was on a paycheck stub in my glovebox which is normally locked. I geuss I kinda lucked out cuz the spare keys were locked in it. The icing on the cake is the fact that I had to take the day off from work yesterday and deal with it. Come to find out saginaw cops don't bother looking for stolen items from a car. They only do that in the Townships. I see some corruption. I hate this city with a passion. The cops in this city couldn't find the plague if they were on a ship filled with rats carring it. I hate people...

I don't believe it I got a ticket today. 22 over the limit. I have to call my lawyer. I don't believe my luck lately. I have no mannor of luck. It seems to be that the cosmics are not in my favor anymore. The only thing going right,now anyways, is my realtionship. :)

Hi, I'm never at a lost for words; this we all know. For the first time, I am at a lost. I have alll the emotions running through me right now and I don't know how to express them. My personal and proffesional lives are all messed up. I hate my job, I just feel like there are a couple of people that are out to get me. For example a quote from a note from one person. "Get with Dan. and RE-LEARN HOW TO DO APS." I put a twin check on that film and I forgot I was not to do that. Simple mistake right? and then she goes on and says "APS doesn't need to have the paper colbrated." I felt like say hey, I've only been here for about two months. Not half way to my pentition like you. I didn't. Then the woman who was to be covering my department did nothing. Everything, the boss wanted her to do plus her normal daily duties were left for me. 8.5 hours she did nothing. Hmm that say volumes about her. So, I am ready to pack it all in. I know I can't do photo, I hole heartly believe that is, because of my Dislaxia. (to many steps for me to follow). Conteplating moving to MTP. I don't want to leave my boyfriend and friends, but I might. 500 miles a week on my car is a lot (that is just what I drive to and from school.) I have a lot of stuff on my plate and it makes me ill. You should know I cryed while I wrote this in hopes that my typing would stall the tears, but alas the didn't. This is my personal hell I don't think I will be getting out of it anytime soon. I just want everything in my life to make me happy. It seems like when one thing makes me happy others fail to. Lately, everything just seems to be failing. Somethings gotta give.

Okay, so I am paying my car off this month via student loans. I would like to buy a 1987 Corvette. Mind you, I am keeping the Avenger. Would that be a little bit or a lot gay? I do live in Michigan...

Is it flattery or envy if someone you know buys, a car just like yours? One difference though, it's a different color.

I feel better now. Kraig and I had a talk about how we were feeling and turns out we both feel the same way. That helped a lot. The best part of the whole thing is that we didn't break up. We talked and started to work on our problems. So hopefully this will help on stay together and help us last a lot longer then what we both thought might of happened tonight.

I am so ready for a change it's not funny. I don't get it; every time I turn around something seems to hit me in the face. I am getting really tired off all of it. I hope to have a new job(again) in septemeber. I have decided to try life at Birchrun Cinemas. The pay would be more of what I could use. Retail doesn't pay shit and I need more more money. I am use to being pretty broke, but as most people know I usually have enough money to buy some clothes or lunch. I don't even have that right now. I am so tired of this shit. I don't know what to do. I feel alone and totally dependent. That's a drastic change for me I am use to feeling totally surrounded and independent. If any one has any idea what I should do let me know.

FOUR DAYS. On Monday, I turn 22 years of age. That is in no means old; unless you're talking the eairly years of Cilvilization. At this point it would not be umcommon for me to have a few kids, maybe even a second wife. Thank god it's not like that now. I am old if you look at it this way. My, supected grandfathter died at 47 years old. I am old if I die at 66 years old. That would mean I have lived a third of my life already. I am actually hoping to live to be 100, atleast that way I have another three years, before I turn and say I've live 1/4 of my life. I just wanna know why for the first time I am NOT looking forward to my birthday? The next big birthday I have to look forward to is my 25th. Then nothing until my 55th (I plan on retireing by then).

Let's see...

I have my classes looks like I will be in MT.P about once everyday Monday through Friday. Mondays are gonna suck I have to be out there twice in one day. I will be taking two Gegraphy classes, a technical teaching class, and I can't remeber my other class. Winter semester looks to be fun. I will be able to take my Nazi Germany history class, and another class of my choice. But I will have to take one math class and another upper class so I can be in the school of ED by the fall. I geuss it will be fun. I just wanna get done. Delta screwed me so bad. I only have 32 credits. "Every credit transfer from Delta to any Michigan college." my transcripts say differently.

What else...

I had a wierd dream last night. I was at this party (don't know at who's house) Jeff, Anna, Rachel, Kraig, Jake, Kelly, and a bunch more from school were in it. I walked in the dark and loud room. The air was thick with smoke, both tobacco and weed. I hear this voice calling out to me and gives me a drink. "drink up you're gonna need it." I thought that was a queer thing to say. I have my drink and I start to walk and walk. I see a light (usually I don't fallow the light, cuz of all the stories you hear about bright lights when you're dreaming) I follow it. I see everybody I just keep asking why are you all like that talk, move, something. I rember say "hey no ass talk." She didn't even hit me. Then I noticed this dark figure runing I chase saying "what the hell happened?" I just keep running and running... Next thing I know I'm in the bathroom run in place with my alarm going off. I don't get it.

BORED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have decided to have a little party at my house. Monday nite starting at 8. I will have some food, little bit of liquor, and somemovies to watch. If you wanna get trashed byob. leave a comment.

CANCELED NO PRIDE THIS YEAR. Sorry...

hi

Hey, I wanna go to Gay Pride next weekend. It should be really fun. THere will be a lot of drinking, lesbians, bi-women, and much, much more. Do I have any takers?

Just when I thought I was rock bottom I dig even deeper. My loan from Delta, is due and they want 342.54 dollars by July 6th. I can give them the 54 cents, but that's about it. Something about me being below a full time student. So, I have to pay that in July and August. I really hope and pray that they hire me for the job. I mean I don't like to clean up my own house, but cleaning some one else shouldn't be that bad... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

BORED!!! I've had a bad day. I don't wanna talk about it; just thought I should say somethin' somethin'.

I am 21 years old. I should be happy, invincble. Why the fuck does it feel like I lost a love one. Maybe, it's out of fear that I am fucking up my life. I have never gone through my life without a plan. Maybe, it's the lack of school or maybe I am missing a a part of me. I just want to be happy again. I have live a fucked up life and all I want is the pot o'gold from the Rainbow. I can no longer put up this facade of happiness. I never had a creach now I have a lot. My rollercoster of emotions needs to stop. I would love to have one day where I didn't get down, anger, happy, miserable, pissed. I would love to have a day with just one of those emotions not all with the 24 hour pierod. I think my friends have noticed that I am unhappy and out of kindness they haven't said anything. I'm not blameing anyone so please don't take offense to this. I just feel alone. I don't get why. I have a lover, a great group of friends, supportive family, a job I like and I feel like everything in my life has DIED!!!!!! I vowed to myself not to take a pill that will alter my emotions, but as I sit here in tears I have deiced that I need something. I would love to run far-far-away. My responsablities are keeping me here. Maybe, if I were truly alone I would be able to pack and move. I can't do this anymore. I always knew life sucked, but I had hoped for some good. I am hoping that I have monday off. Maybe, Kraig and I will take a drive to a lake or something. I need a chance a new site o'happiness. I am up for suggetions lets keep them cheap.

WTF. I love my mom, but it seems like she does this to me a lot. There is this guy she works with and everybody had outed him. Apartenly he's having dreams about his male co-workers (by the way this guys is suppose to be engaged). So, to make a long story short-ish. This is what happened. The guy perked up when he found hout that my moms son (me) will be at the party this Saturday. I guess he's suppos'd be cute but let's face it I will end up getting hit on by a currouis guy at my mom's party that she is having for my uncle. This is the type of shit Jerry would pay for.

This is my 200th post. Wow!! Hey, I got a new phone. I got a new Red Razr V3. I paid less then two dollars. That's all ttyl.

I have come to relize I am a better person then I thought I was. I geuss you could say I've had an apthany (sp if you know the right spelling for it let me know). I have realized I want nothing from my father. All, I want is to send him a letter and a picture to show him that without him I have become an up-standing person. The child he wanted dead and always wanted turned out pretty damn good if I say so my self. So for that fact and only that fact I will send him that note. And, when he dies I plan on going to his funeral just to see him for the first and last time. My, real concern is when I die, and if there is a haven will I have to see him. But, if my beleafs come true then I will proaly re-live my life, but if my life is good now and I am happy (dispite this unshakeable depression I am happy). Then what mistakes would I have to make.
This is the list of things I feel I do right.
1) Stand up for people that can't. The ill ones.
2)State facts when people are feeding lies to me or mine.
3)Defeand the people that mean the most to me.
4)I don't hold grudges unless you hurt me or mine.
5)I am not the jealous person. I am also happy for people that get things the proper way (work)
6)I am not really a racist. I just hate all people the use the system, people, and that don't like something cuz they are afarid. (sexuality)
7)I would give the shirt off my back if it would help one of mine.

Seven good reasons why I think this might be my last life as me. I wonder. I know it could have been better, but I don't think I would want any of it to change. The events in my life made me the person I am. I just have to make sure I remeber them. If I can do this I will not lose my roots...

This is the dream I had.

Picture it my room around 5:30 am (black and white). I was laying on my bed as if I were being crusifade (sp.)(Note I was hoviering over me in my bed.) I heard in my left ear "just slit'em let the scream roar from within. Let your pain end." Then at aproaxamtly 5:31 am I am awake. I have been awake ever since. This is really creapying me out. Could it be a sign that I should be less mean? Or am I just down in the dumps tring to grab a melonchly existince? I don't know what to do... I GIVE UP!!

You know what I miss a lot of things we would do as a group. I mean I like change. I mean I ended a long term job and now have two new jobs that are alot better. The one thing I dont miss is my phone. I mean I use to enjoy getting text messeages, phone calls and pictures, but now it seems to be getting out of hand. Just today I have recived 100 messages. I woke up at 11 am. this is rediculus. I am half tempted to cut my phone off all together. Maybe, I will just start shuting it off, at night. If I do that then some one who will need me to pick them up for some damn reason won't be able to get a hold of me. then I would be in all kinds of trouble. ERRRRRRRRR. Would Verizon let me set it up where I can say what messages and phone calls can go through until a certain time?? God that would be wonderful. But then the operator would end up tearing her hair out with some of the bullshit that gets sent to my phone. Lets see what else...

Oh, so my Uncle got arrested. They plastered his name and mug shots all of the news down home.
Kraig left to fend for myself this weekend it's kinda lonley. I miss him and he's only been gone a day. That fucker made me fall in love.

Hello, I have no clue what to write about. I am so confused... I don't have a clue why. My Doctor thinks I need to have some kind of mind drug. He thinks that my depression is making me ill. So after the blood work is done I will be part of the sedation crowd. Does that mean I will fit in more with the Orange County Crowd??? He laid out my option. Almost, all, of the drugs have sexual sideffects. I have no clue. I geuss I will take the meds, cuz the self-medications I have used have not worked to my liking. I will do what I need to do to get back on track.

Okay, this can and mostly will only happen to me. The following events are true word-for-word.

1) I had two jobs and going to school, not full time, but more then parttime. I stopped going to school in December, quite my job then three months later quite my other job. I spent a total of one week unemployeed. I had a interview at Meijer they then called me the day of my interview and said I start Thursday at 10am.

2) Block buster calls wanting to interview me. I go Friday at 2pm (It was suppose to be tomorrow at 1.) In the voice mail the lady left me she said "she wants me to accept the interview."

3) I go from two jobs and school to nothing then to two jobs and school all over again.

I have further decided I NEED A MOTHER FUCKIN VACATION. I will have my debt controlable in June. And have already told Meijer I will need a coupld of days off in July around my b-day. I figure, now, that the vast majority of my friends are working and over the age of 21 we could go to LAS VEGAS. I fiugre what the hell, why can't we go to a city where it is legal to get so tore up and almost normal to get married at the same time. And if Jeff comes he'll be able to kill the hooker of his choice and if Dan wants we can brury Chris out there as well.

Okay, I have a lot to say and I either don't want to say it or I don't know were to begin. Still, in love, yeah. We are doin' better then well, but we do have our moments. I think I screwed up big time. The people who read this know that, I don't handle death well. I have to blame it on the fact that I have never had any one, extremly, close to me pass on. Yes, I know a grandmother passed-away this time last year. But, in all honesty I have never really thought about lossing someone close to me. I know we all die and I think about death more then a little bit. I see through my, love, how I am proally going to act; the same way he is when my grandmother passess (but for him his grandfather passed). The only thing is that I would proally be tring to control more of everything, but that's me (the control freak).
I see that love of mine hurting so much, but I don't know what to do.

Still out of work, but my family is not really rushing me. They, gave me till June to find work. My cousin think I might work for GM or something along those lines this summer. Here's hoping.

Hey, I am thinking about haveing a painting party one of these days. I will have pizza, snacks, beer, liquor, and other things that people want. I will have paint and all those things too. Dress in grubs.

FUUUCK!



I should have never of gotten up this morining. First off I almost died going to work my breaks went out. Then, on my way to get a different job my ball joint broke (again). Then, my machanic tells me I need powersteering, shocks, breaks, and a couple other things that don't need fixin' right now. My Mom is giving me the money for it. So on my way home, my phone dies. Verizon takes care of it no problem. I walk out of the store and have a flat tire. No big; I put air in my tire and it's all good. I get home it's flat again, my rim is bent. I thought to myself "well the rims were cheap maybe I can get one for cheap." I ate those words. 136 dollars for one rim. I was like what? I didn't pay 500 for rims and tires. So fuck fuck fuck fuck. I can drive on my dount for a spell, but I mean shit what else could go wrong. I want my mommy....

I would rather have my love though.

Well the job out look is getting better by the day. I have a feeling I will be employeed by the end of next week. I would perfer the end of this week, but I won't hold my breathe. For those of you who care I have been out of the loop the last five days, becuase of pnemonia (I blame Chris). I have wierd feeling that I am loosing control of my life. I am deeply in love, but fear that I will lose this love if I don't gain control again. Thus why I am going to shower, shave, and GET A MOTHER FUCKIN JOB!!

Hey world. I am starting to think Rachel and I are the only people that update on an almost the only people who update their blogs. Where are all the people at. I know you're all not doing homework, who does homework anymore??

This is just my luck.

I had a tooth ache lastnight. I endedup takeing like three or four asprins (not at once) just to get ride of the pain. I did call the dentist and had me come in today. They took x-rays and looked at my tooth. Nothing visibly wrong with my tooth. This lead my dentist to say that I will have to go back and have the spcealist look at it and fix it. I will end having to have a deeper rootcanal done. She, thinks they might have missed a large part of the nerve. I now have to go back and have the cap taken off and have the nerve taken out. I will end up being knocked-out. Only, I would have to have my tooth re-routecanaled.

This is the scoupe folks. I want to see "Riverdance" Rachel seems to be intrested in going. I thought it would be fun to see if we could get the group to go. Cuz the majority of us are in school tickets would only be like 12 dollars. The boyfriend can't make it and I really want to see "Riverdance". Irish music, dancing; what could be more fun? Come on, after the play we all could go to the bar and pretend to beIrish and get snot faced. Jeff I'm talking to you....

I have been feeling a little down and am not sure why. I read some where that if you clean up your surroundings that might help you feel better (not that I live in complete filth, but I geuss my car and room could use a good cleaning). I need to find a night job just for sanity purposses. I actually feel help in my realtionship. I have never been happy to hear from someone on a daily bases. That is saying a lot for me. I mean my own mother gets on my last nerves every now and then. I need to do something that doesn't cost me a lot of money. On another note I am caught up on my bills; now if I can just pay off my last two cards off I will be just fine. bye all.

Back from Chicago.

I had fun... Jeff and I had a 92.50 dollars bar tab our first night. Then midnight we bought Rachel a Bombcicle. Were after that we went to T.G.I.F'S for a snack. Our, waiter was gordon and French, and GAY. He really, reminded me of Lyrch from the Adam's family. Then we cliberated her birthday. I took it eaisy cuz of my anckle. I liked it I proally would have liked it more if it weren't so damn cold. Kraig wants to go so, we might go this summer or something.

I have done the impossible two things for me.

I have been involved for about two almost three months. I have also gotten so cheap that I have put over 30,00 miles on my brakes. I am really anal about car repairs. Had a friend check it out and all i need are front pads. Pads are like 25 dollars. So for about 75 dollars, 25 for brakes and 50 to buy beer, smokes, and food. That still beats 200 dollars for a brake job. Yay me. Well I have to get in the shower and pick of my love from his place. I love haveing somone like him in my life.

P.s.

Rachel I will have the rest of your money for you on friday I think.

Where has all the parenting gone?

They put T.V. shows on showing the disobeidant little children. Who in there right mind would let a child tell them what to do or act in such a mannor. Let me tell you if my child ever acted out in such a mannor there ass would be red for a week. I hate the fact that discapline in the family is wrong. I think a lot of old fashioned ways are good. I don't think a child should be beaten with a belt. A bare hand across the butt is more then enough. Now, I don't want to hear that in todays world parent hate punishing there kids, because they both have to work 40 plus hours aweek to mantain a descent living. My mom was a single mother, worked two or more jobs. When I acted out I would either recive a spanking, or she would threaten me. I think I turned out pretty okay.

Now, for you pre-teens and teens who think you're grown. You're not. You should be thankful that teachers can't spank or hit a student, I know many students at the school I went to and work at who would have greatly needed it. If I would have acted like that when I was in that age, all the privilages that were given to me would have been taken away.

I must say thank you for raising me the way you did mom.