Does any one ever feel like there's a little guy (women) in the back of your headfighting sanity and insanity? I feel as if the one of the little people in the my head is losing the fight for sanity. I just wonder how many more sane years I have left. I wonder if I will be one of those old farts that walk around flipiing the bird to kids, and telling other people just to plain old "fuck off." I would like atleast fourty or fifty years left before I am that to far gone. Well I am off to a Christmas party.

I think I've been hanging out at the bar to much. I don't drink that much, but I have to start getting to bed eairler I have to hang on to my tutoring job atleast till I find another one. I am so happy to be done with the shit hole at the end of the week.

I don't get it.

Seriously, what is your problem with me, you didnt like me from the start, but yet you come with Rachel and Dan to celebrate my birthday. Im just kinda curious. You seem really negative about things and you never really got to know me personally so why hate. Anyway, Im not scared of what you think. But even Rachel has invited me to her birthday party at her new apartment. So, what do you have to say about that. Im not being a bitch either, im just telling you the truth. Pam

Why me. Well this was my response.

I don't like you for many reason. I don't like what you did to Jeff. That is enough for me to not like a person. Plus, I don't think you get what it means to be Christian. Christians have deep moral control. Which you have proven time and time again you don't have. And Rachel is free to invite you to anything she wants. I plan on being at her bday party too. But I won't go out of my way to make you feel welcomed towards me nor will I be an ass to you out of RESPECT for Rachel. However, if I see you in public I shan't be aknowlegding you in any way. I hope this will get a point made to you. The circle of friends that I have know how I feel and they have approved my attitude. If you don't like it tough


Since, when do I have to explain myself to people can't I just not like somebody any more. I mean really we all are in the real world. I don't like you I don't like you. GOD

It appears that CMU has lowered there standards. I will be attending this fall. That means I will be commuting between Saginaw and Mount Pleasent. Kraig and I still seem to be getting along great. I can't help but wonder if I like him more he likes me. Then on the other hand I can't help, but wonder if he likes me more. I really want this to work. This Sunday will mark a total of 14 days of knowing eachother. That makes me happy. In other news. I am buying a Jeep in Feb. My mom has requested that I get one for the snow next year. I found one that I love, but alas it is in Philly. Anybody wanna join me? I plan on flying there and driving back.

I am happy. I meet somebody and I think this person will be sticking around for a while. I just meet him, but it feels like I've known him for a long time. He's great.

I had a messed up dream last night. It was about my Father. I geuss it might be because my mom saw his sister-in-law. She asked about me and my mom told her. I don't understand why I had the dream though. I have no diesire in meeting him. In the dream we meet in a school. He gets up and hugs me. He has a big belly, tall, beard, dark hair, and grey hair. I woke up wondering if I should meet him or just say fuck it. Deep down inside I know he wouldn't welcome me with open arms. I mean what do you say to a person that left you before you were born? "Hi, dad I'm the son you always wanted, but left." or better yet what would you say to the child you left. "Hi, son, I'm you dad. Let's go play ball."

I am lost. I have tons more questions and ponderings to do. I geuss I keep hoping that some day he would come and knock on my door. Not to take me away, but so I can have a father and mother. That is something I always wanted. I know I will never have that. The best I can do is be there for my children. My mom did her best and I think she has done pretty well. If you look at the stero-types for single parents.

Have a happy Turkey day.

The concert was pretty cool. I really enjoyed the "Caberary" (sp). I have to admit I was not expeceting the concert to be soon fun. I geuss as long as you have a good friend with you all is good. Well I have a house to clean and am no mood to do it. Damn, holidays. Screw it I am just gonna go to bed. Leave me a message.

I have noticed that the vast majority of my friends seem to be depressed and puting distince between the rest of the circle. I fear that the circle won't last much longer. That's a shame too. We use to have so much fun, but now it's like we have to pull teeth to do anything with them. I know I put some distiance between me and the circle, I blame my job. I have been working to many hours. All work and no play makes for a very dull life. I must admit I am having second thoughts about leaving the theater, but I must way the pros and cons of my sanity. That's funny cuz my sanity is hanging on by a very thin thread. I must go now and slave away at a job I hate more than G. W.

P.S Go DEMS, keep this up and you will control the free world in the next election.

I feel bad. I am sick. I have thrown up since 4:40 a.m and it almost hasn't stoped. I called my doctor to see what he wants me to do. His response was stomach flu and ear infection. He faxed my job a note excussing me for the day. I feel bad cuz I was closing manager, but if I have the stomach flu what good am I any ways. Plus this is like the first time I have called in since June of '05. I am going to bed now I feel all achey and ill like.

Battling my demons are harder then I had antipated. I seem to get one problem under control and I realize I have issues with another. This seems to be a sprialing out of control condition. I really don't know what to do. If I drink it's to much. If I eat it's to much. If I start smoking it's to much and costly. I can't spend money ( I don't have any). If you have any ideas give me a call or message.

I WANT A NEW JOB. Okay, I admit it I CAN'T HANDLE that place anymore. I go there and get sick, I think about just going home, and I stlll make shit for money. I did manage to get offered a job today and I might take it. It's the same amount of hours per week same money. But is really laid back. I geuss the new chapter of my book will be. "THE SHOE SALESMAN".

I saw two bumper sticker today and laughed so hard. I don't like putting them on my car, but if I found these ones I would. One said "God is to big to fit into on relgion." and the other said "If only closed minded people came with closed mouths." I know we all have our own takes and belieafs, but I am sick of other people pusching them on me. I know what I am. I am a man who likes to have fun. It doesn't matter with who as long as I get along with them. I writ this, because today I recived a phone call and it was this person that said if you don't have god your soul is going to pay for ever. I know god is there god is in me, you and every one. Jesus is the one that will pass final judgement. I like to believe that as long as I don't hurt people and be totally cruel I will go into a state of Ecasty. If I don't then I will relive my life over and over until I get it right. I will be totally fine with that. We all learn from our mistakes. I didn't intend to write this much, but I had a creative moment.

I should inform you that I am kind of seeing some one. I am not going to introduce this person for a while. First off they are in the Marines and secondly we are still just getting to know one-another. I don't know how much we still need to know about eachother. We have had sex a couple of times. I am actually happy.

I am still leaving the theater, but not till the first of the year. If CMU accepts me I will just make the comute.

Well, I got a new laptop. I feel kinda bad cuz my old one was a gift and not that cheap. On the other hand it was starting to get out dated, slow way down, and a lot of other stuff. I have been really good this year in paying bills. I am almost paid off. By the first of the year the majority of my cards will be taken care off. I am going to put 500 dollars down on my master card. I am only doing that cuz they are really starting to bug me. I plan on keeping my Visa, Oldnavy and maybe my Best Buy card (if they don't piss me off like they did last time.) My game plan is to save up all my spendable income in Janurary (so I can have a savings acount again) and then starting in Feb pay 450 a month on my car. If I do that it will be paid for in July of 07 instead of 08.

P.s I am just waiting on CMU to tell me if I have gotten in or not. I applied earlier in the week and now am waiting for them. I think I am going to get student loans that will cover my bills through the school year that way I dont have to work and have class. Maybe I can sweet talk my mom in giveing me 30 bucks a week.

Well for all those who care I did it. I applied to CMU. Now, all I want to do is vomit and vomit some more. I really hope they accept me. If they don't I dunno what else to do. Guess I will work at GKC till the day I die. shit!!!!!!

Side note. I DID NOT CHECK OUT PAM. IF YOU TALK TO HER AND SHE SAYS ANYTHING IT'S A LIE. ASK RACHEL.

THANK YOU FINACE GOD. If my math is right I get three paychecks in Novemeber. In all reality I get six, well five cuz i get paid the 1st of dec. This will give the sum of 510 dollars to pay on bills. That's a big dent in my debt. It will then only take my about six weeks to finish paying off my cards. I am not going to worry about my Penny's card. I need a new computer for the fall. I am applying to CMU here goes it all. This brings me to my next question. Should I get a laptop or desktop?

If, somebody ask me want I wanted most this year it wold be hard to say in one quick sentence. I want a lot. Two of the most important things I want right now are these 1) to have more free time. 2) not have to work two jobs just to make ends meet. I know and admit that I spent the money faster then it was coming in, but I was young and foolish about the world of credit cards. I have since learned my lesson and will not do that again. (Side note here. This might be a long post.)

I have unoffically changed my major. To make it offical I will have to go to the office here to do it. I am going into conciling ( not sure if I posted about it yet or not.) I will be attendedin Delta fro winter and spring then I plan on moving up to MTP in July. I am appling for CMU in Janurary. Here's hoping.

I have to change my life. I am not letting the right things control it. I have decided to cut WAY BACK. I have said I am against certain things. I am now chanigng my mind. I am changing my view. Pot is still okay. I can relate to Coke, but don't let your lifes be ruled by them. I am not saying I do them, but I am voicing my new opinion. Thoughs are the only ones that are some what okay. I can and do see how people let them control there lives. I have decied to complete all homework on friday's. With the acception of the 28th when all my homework will be done on that thursday.

I was almost hit by Pam on Wedensday. She was not looking when she went to change lines. If I would have been anyother person I would not have stopped or laid on my horn. That marks the second time on a pay day where I was almost hit by some one I know. Two weeks before that I was almost re-ended by an employee on Bayroad. Hmmm.

Well, that is my life story at this point let me know you opinons on what I said. And as always lots of love to those closet to me. I feel they will help me out of this issue in my life.

I have a Saturday night off. I am siting on my couch with a movie going and my laptop this is the first time in a few weeks were I have been able to veg. I am listening to the rain while kinda watching a silent movie. I am really proud of myself I watched a French movie with french subtitles and understood a few of the words. That brings me here. I really want to go back to Paris, I loved it when I was there. I have been looking into it and it would cost 600 dollars to go back for three days, but I am thinking about it before I go to CMU and then can't afforad the money or time to do so. Does any one else ever feel like the act older then they really are and then when you want to blow some money you can't. Example, I wanted to go and buy some new work clothes, but I was thinking about it and said that I might be happier spending the money on bills and at the first of the year have all my cards paid for and then I can blow some cash.

P.s Jeff call me

BORED!!!!!

Just wondering if Rachel's post about the party this Halloween is still happeneing. I took that weekend off. I have my custume as well I am going to be a Doctor. Leave a comment, so I know the game plan.

Your Seduction Style: The Charmer

You're a master at intimate conversation and verbal enticement. You seduce with words, by getting people to open up to you. By establishing this deep connection quickly, people feel under your power. And then you've got them exactly where you want them!

What Is Your Seduction Style?

Some much to say so little time. Classes are going svell. I am looking forward to witner when I will be at SVSU. I am pretty sure that I will be at CMU next fall. I have slightly changed my major. I will be a college proff. It's still History with English as a my minor. I am hopeing that CMU or SVSU will shed some light on a dark mind. My mind has turned extremly dark in that last few weeks. I feel it is stress. I am use to working with a highly stress life, but I have to keep going and going, despite the fact that I am really sick. I know it's not normal to shit blood. I am going to the doctor but not til next week. well I am off to class. then home CALL ME GOD DAMNIT!

Okay, this has been an odd day. First off, I got up went to scholl, normal day there. Secondly, I went home and my machanic called my mom and told her that my car needed Shocks, struits, brake pads, battery, tires, and some other shit. Then, I paid off a couple cards saving me there. My mom then bribed me to go to either SVSU or CMU with a Sony Vivo. Oh yea, I am selling my car. I will not sell it repaired nor will I sell it to friends. Well Thats all ttyl!!!

Okay, I have to tell you all this story of a body of mine at work. He has his car stole in broad daylight, as his neighbor watched, had his mom kick him out of the house, police finding his car and have it gutted like a deer, and wake up this morning with apendix problems. And I thought my day was shit.

Okay, I went to work this morning thinking I could clock in eairly and leave eairly. Well, let me tell you it didn't work out that way. First off, I walk in seeing that I have five faxes waiting for me (shit!). PAYROLL IS TOO HIGH! CUT BACK CUT BACK! then the next four were more yelling threatening us with write ups and all that fun shit. Then, cutting some 50 hours off of one day. Then getting busy and twisting my side. Let me tell you. I walked to the other end of the Consseion stand to get something and got widged between the popper and three other people. Forcing me to leave my waist down stright and then twisting my torso. AS i start to twist I get wedged even further then my body intended to go and all you could hear is my back cracking, OWE! Finshed with my customers and went and sat in the office and took three IB'S.

On a very happy note, I found a store to carry my worlds favorite ice cream "Blue Moon." Yummmmm! Night all!

To the person that has pissed me off to no end. I have deleted you from my phone, aim and all other forms of comuincation in the 21st century. I have no need and no room for people that want to play games. I would rather to know a totally honest person then a dishonest person as you are. If I never see you again it will be to soon. I have to deal with you until the 5th of Septemeber then I never have to see you again. If you see me in public don't acknowlege me and I will do the same. If you acknowlege me I will hit you. Not a pussy as bitch slap, but a right hook. So, if I were you I would choose "A". I do have a mean right hook. So to you sir here is a big FUCK OFF YOU LYING SON OF A BITCH!!!!! :0

Killings need to be legalized. I need to drink. Thank god I am going to the bar on Thursday.

I want to post, but I have nothing to say. .......................................................

Okay, I am use to waking in the moring with swollen body parts, but this is the oddest one yet. I get up do my thing in the morning, and I will be damned if my thumb was not swollen. I don't remeber getting stung in the thumb. I have no clue what this is about but it HURTS.

Some one tell me the point! If one can tell me the point of putting one foot in front of the other and moving on tell me. Cuz, I sure as shit don't know. I am growing bored of lifes rollercosters. I often think that I am ready to find my mate get married and die. Then the youthful part of me kicks in and says, "What?!" You get married have kids (not certain I want them) and have no fun. I am happy I am not sad, please don't read this as me being sad, it's just me thinking. What is the point of getting married sleeping with one person forever. It doesn't sound fun at all. I really don't think that is gods will for us. Why, would we have to do that. There has to be something we are missing. I get we are still paying for the sins of Adam and Eve. Jesus lost his life for our sins. Are we entering a new era of salvation (or in our case re-salvation). We have people wanting to kill us because we have freedoms they don't? That's not right. That reminds me of the old saying "You pay for the mistakes of one person" basicly it takes one bad person to fuck it up for the rest. I for one am tired of paying for others fuckups. I want to pay for my own. All this shit of the son pays for the mistakes of the Father is crap. It is time we pull up our pants and take responsablity for ourselves. I am also dieing to know who said Jesus is our lord?

Break down time. (from the way I see it)

Jesus is the son of God. God create everything. Jesus might of had powers to heal or he was a Doctor and new what herbs to put together to help heal ( I am confident that if the church knows they won't tell. Also, they will pay a lot of money to keep it quite.) As, all my friends know I don't believe what the churches say. I go a different path. I am breaking it down here.

Virgin Marry? Sure.
God? Yes.
Jesus? Yes.
Jesus having powers? Maybe.
Jesus being Gods son? Why not.
God forgiving killers, rapist, moldsters? NO, thats why there's Hell on earth.

Ways to stay out of Hell. Live in HARMONY with all, fill your self with not love nor HATERED. Treat people the way you want to be treated. Follow the rules set fourth and you will have your salvation at the end of your life! Ramblings of Ryan.

Should I start the next church? Tom Cruise has his.

Somebody, asked me today "Why do you want to leave?" My response was why would I want to stay? I have an assoicates and can't find a job paying more then 7 dollars per hour. Then the other jobs pays 8.5 per hour but it's only 20 hrs a week. Either way, both jobs pay shit. When I am in Flordia I will be able to make a lot more money. I mean a sub can make up to 20 K a year. Here, I can make only 12-15 per year. Then, when I have a Masters I will only make 32 starting and finish at around 55. Down there I can start out at 32 but end up make close to 65 per year. In the long run I will be better off getting the hell out of this state. I have no problem with the thought of leaving Michigan. I have a problem with leaving my friends, and mom and cousins. I know I will have there support, because I will be bettering myself and everyone gives support when one is attepmting to better thereselves. I geuss my biggest fear is that I won't make that many friends, but I can always come home to hang with them. Plus you always have friends when you go and drink LOL! Well I have posted long enough!


P.s
I am having a Halloween party here, and maybe a New Years Party (sorry Jeff I know that's your day, but my cousin wants to Host one.)

Why!?!?


When somebody calls you, and you send them right to voice mail, they decide to hang up and call you three more time until you just hang up on them. Then they e-mail asking what's wrong. How, do you tell them to go away. You kind of want to be friends with them, but they annoy you so much that you want to hit them. People suck ass.!!!!!

Lately, all I have wanted to do is scream and hit things. I haven't felt these feelings in a while. I feel that my life is sprialing into shit. I am hoping and praying that I can get back into the school this year. This is my vow, I will not stay in Michigan beyond June. Yes, I am planing to follow suit with some people we have went to school with, but only for a few years. I want to live in Flordia, then Californa. I have not yet decided where I want to go after that. I am so frustrated and don't know why.

It took a lot of courage for me to admit to myself that I was attracted to both ( you all know what I mean), now I find myself attracted to nothing. I still flirt ,a little, but nobody is really get my motor going (allow me to be a little corny). I don't know, I don't think it's deprission. I usually know right off the bat when I am depressed. I think it's just pure bordem. Not with my friends, but with Michigan.

I had a tooth filled that lost it's filling in May or March can't remeber which. Now, the dentist says I might need to see a specialist. They might want to take the tooth or do a rootcannal. DAMNIT. Nothing, can be simple for me. Sorry, I didn't mean to make three paragraphs about nothing I just felt like I needed to get some things strightened out or less crooked in my case. Well, talk at yeah all later.

How can you say you're a friend when you go behind my back and spread lies. Now you wonder why I am mad at you. What gives you the balls to act like you did nothing wrong when you have toyed and spread lies about me. Now, because of you I can lose my job. You're an ass. If I didn't have to work with you I would tell you off. And for the women that is spreading the lies I hope you get yours. If you are mad at me because I got the job you wanted tough shit. They choose the one with the better "customer service skills". And to think I graduated High school two years ago. If you would have told me that I would be living High School all over again at work I would call you a crazy whore....

I look up at the sky and think how nice. How nice it would be to fly away. I have noticed that being an adult means it's a lot of work. What ever happened to freedom. Land of the free. That is what we are suppose to be. How can we be free. Most of us have commeitments. Paybills, go to work, life is vitous. As I was ling on my back I hoped for the day I will be free. Free to move where I want to, when I want to. If I had no commitments I would be in Fl living my life. How I long I had the balls to do so. I truly envy those people that have left to the great and mighty Florida. I am just sick to daeth of it here. I just want to SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why am I destined to live this way. "What a wicked web we weave once we practice to deceve." William Shakespare.

Pet peeves of the week!

I hate it when people insert numbers in with words such as, "l8er" and/or "str8" that erks me.

People that live to tell other people I told you so. I have to admit I am one of those people, but I have cut WAY back.

People that roll through a stop sign in a parking lot.

NON-BLINKER USING PEOPLE! :O Picture this. I am in the turn lane with MY blinker on and some asshole turns right in front of me. (Rachel I do use my blinker in my car)

To all the BENIFERS of the world come on. You don't have to be up eachothers arses 24/7.

(this one I am guilty of a little) Not allowing people to tell me there feelings without giving my own adivce. I have realized I do this a lot.

The biggest one right now, atleast, is something I have been know to do. Answering a question that is not dircted towards me.

I have noticed some of the things that errk me I have a tendency to do. I will catch ya'all later.

Hi all. Let me recap for a bit here.

This week I found out that a SL is being promted to Asstiant. I don't like this SL. I am appling for a school in Orlando; here it goes. I am really wanting to get out of here. I also seem to have a cold. I have a sore throat, cough, sneezes, slight fever, and extreme fatgiue. I am kinda hoping that I can find another job so that I can leave the Theater. I still need to pay bills off and would love to save up some money$. Also I found this dealership willing to sell me a truck. I still have to wait till next year, but I hope they let me do in then. Next July I will owe 1800$ on my car. The dealer says they will pay that off, pay taxes and plates, and allow me to put nothing down on the truck. Payments would be around 210 a month. That is live able. Now all I need is an apartment, in Florida. My game plan is to drive down there and get an apartment, and get all that setup before I move. I figure as long as I have about 2grand $aved I will be okay. It shouldn't take me more than 2, maybe, 3 months to find a job down there. I have an awsome resume. Plus I will be able to sub, down there. Well now that you are all brought up to speed I will ask this. Does any one out there have a monitor I can borrow for a little bit.

Hi, ? I said hi why the hell do you ignore me?

Oh, I didn't hear you! I thought to myself How fucking hard is it for people to get the hint?

what are you doing?? trying to ignore you. I thought

Oh, just thinking. Shit, now she's gonna wanna get into my feelings!

Wait I thought.. How are you? YeAH, that will get her talking about her feelings.

Oh.. Damn, men. Pretended I cared one time and he gets all mushy.

Yes it worked! Man thought.

That .....(now what? sex, nahhh, kids...female thought.)

Kids, ?? why..??? (crap now she'll think that I dont want kids.)

Yeah you want them right.. (this is going bad)

Of course I do.. the best part about kids is making them. (now she'll think I want to have sex.)

Shit, Now hes gonna want to have sex.)

Damn, now she might want to have sex. (man thought)

Umm, I don't feel so good .... (women thought)

Sweet... thought man.. well i think im gonna head out(man said)

Okay, I'm gonna lay down...

Night, I will be home later. call me if you need anything.


A coulple that has been together for four years plus... in a relationship..

this conversation is true. Don't all men say that and think that when they talk about kids. and don't most women think and say that?? If I am wrong I am sorry. If you really want to know bring it up, see where he goes with it.. If you dump your boyfriend because he tells the truth. I am not resonsible for your actions. Let me know.

Things I've done in the Last 21 years..

No kids. I have accamplished a lot, but one of the biggest thing's I am greatful for is that I don't have a 5 or 6 year old running around.

I am still clean. Yes, I am STD free I admit I get tested every year (from here on out atleast).

I have opened up and admited to my friends and family who I really am (some might say too much).

I have traveled to the end of the earth and came back.

I am still employeed (for now atleast).

I have moved out of my moms' house.

I have my OWN car. This time I have payed for it myself.

I am completely happy with life at the moment.

These are not in any order (hence why no numbers) I think I have done quite a bit in the last 21 years now it is time to change it up and do more things. Here are my goals for the next five years.

Finish my masters.

Figure out what carreer I want and do it. I am still debeating on whether or not I want to teach full time or be a sub. I say that because I don't know if that is the best field for me I still have a strong passion for psychology.

Have kids, I plan on adapting them.

Have a home in England.

Losse 50 pounds.

and stay Happy.

Here, is the date for my 21st. July 15, 2006. That is a Saturday. Time is approx. 7 pm. You are more then welcomed to come out early. I will have some food, music and remember your swim suits. I think I will also have the bug replanent. Not to mention the hole point of a 21st birthday party. Incase, I don't speak to everyone, the few people that read this,if you could do me a favor and tell people the time and date that would be much appreiated. If you have any more questions you all should have my cell number.

P.s
It is in St. Charles.

P.p.s
Just bring yourselves nothing else...... Unless you really dislike beer....

I've this overwhelmlying odd longing to write and not stop. Here is the problem I have an extremely bad case of writers block. I never have writers block. I have wrote five or six pages and then I lose track of what I am writting. I seem to fill the pages with filler. I mean I know detail is great when you are trying to write a book. I really want to write a great story, but filler is not the best start thing to have as your main plot. I have this great idea for a cerial killer, but I just hit a brick wall after the third wife gets offed. I have no clue on what to do. Any ideas???? I was thinking about writting about what is going on in my life, but I don't know if that would be a good idea. Hmmmmm! I NEED YOUR HELP.....................

I have been going through a bit of a needing a change. I have deiceded that I am going to change my name, I no longer feel like Ryan Palmer Ruiz de Castilla. I don't look the part, nor do I feel the part, plus that name is so damn ethnic. My new name will be Ryan Zachary Palmer. I will change it no later than Novemeber of this year. I feel this will be good. I will be able to find myself (hopefully) I have been lost for to long. If I can't find Ryan Ruiz de Castilla, maybe I can find Ryan Zachary Palmer. All I know is that I want to grow up and leave this one horse town and this shit of a State. I hear Nome Alaska is nice this time of year.


I ask you this Who am I?
Where do I belong?
What am I to do in this life??

A new.


I am searching for a new Job. I don't know where and don't care. I am so sick of that damn place.. If I had anymore sick days, I would be using them. I should talk to my DM tomorrow when she comes in and see if I can get some more. I have to sign an affadavited stating everything I saw between two Managers and an employee. I will bet my bottom dollar they will be fired.

You entered my life like a tornado. You throw it upsidedown and broke my heart. I thought we could be what we needed for eachother. Instead what we wanted were the same things, but differently. I wanted someone to love, I geuss the fact that I like to have sex often and you don't made things worse. Everything I did was wrong, and we just ended up like oil and water. Just like a tornado I am here to pick up the pices of my life and put them in order. If this is love then I don't want it. For now anyways.

I do have to admit that I enjoyed holding you in my arms, showering with you and watching movies. I was willing to change my future plans for you, but like Romeo and Juliet we are not meant for eachother in this life. Maybe in the next one we will be...... I need my friends, a case of beer, and a nice smoke. I also need my heart put back in order.......

I have fallen and I don't want to get up. There is something about this person that has me all worked up. I think about him constantly. I love holding him, kissing him, I am so happy when he calls, looks at me. I geuss it finally happened I am in a relationship and I am happy about it. Yey for me. Well I must go thought you all should know.

I feel asif I should of died many times ago. I am a shepred with out a flock. My up is now down. My right is now left. "Our Father which art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive them that trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation. But deliver us from evil." Delivery from evil is what I need at this moment in time. I am so lost I have no clue on how to find myself. I need help but lack the ability to find it. I have laughed at the crazy people too many times. Now I fear I have become one of them. I am so down that I can not see day light. I need time which is lacking. I am healthy but ill at the same time. I will end this now.......................................

Just wanted to let you all know that if I didn't have Rachel I would be lost in this wierd ass world!

I have been wondering where my life is going. As I sit here looking at my life I want to know where it will take me. I am ready to leave the nest (as it were), but I think that when I leave I will make ripples. Thus far my friends have made leaps, but I want to make leaps and bounds. I don't mean to sound as if I want to out do my friends I just want to go a little further.. I am looking at schools on line and I see some great ones. This is my problem...

I could go, but I would get home sick. ( for what I dunno, a drunk step-dad, dead end job, hmmm.)

I know I would miss my friends, because in the last few months they have been everything to me. I know as of late I have kinda been ditching you guys, but I am sorry.

I geuss i have no reason to bitch... Well I geuss I am gonna set it in stone. I am applying to Orlando Univ. If they take me then I will be off to Florida and finish up school. If they don't then I will go to SVSU and take my last two semsters aboard. Night.

More of my friends need to get text messaging. And I think I am over drinking for a while.........

I have so much to say and no time to say. Well I have the time, but I fear I can't put all the feelings and emotions together just by a few words. I fit so many catagories that it is rather confusing. I am happy, sad, verage of crying, but smiling all the time, depperessed, but repressing, docile, but not. I have never felt so many emotions at once before. This will be my last post for a while..................................

If anyone can tell me how to deal with feelings of love, and death please let me know. I want to tell some one I want them more then I have let on but they don't want to go in that direction. They are atracted to me but don't know about what they want to do...... GOD IS A WOMAN AND HATES ME.......

I hope you all find as much humor in this as I did.


Cancer-"Side involvements with people you know socially could work out advantageously for you. Out of a casual conversation with a pal, a connection for mutual benefits may be discovered."

Capricorn- "Associates could be far more relaxed than usual, providing you an opportunity to treat them more like pals than merely commercial contacts. Doing so will greatly strengthen your allance."

Hmm. The person (I think I want to be with) has a very simular "horscope" as me. Now if I put a lot of stock into it I would say this would be promiseing, but I don't so it's just funny.

P.s.

I am Cancer and the person is Capricorn.

How dare you.....

How dare you make me feel this way.
God why do we have these feelings and why do we tourue ourselves in making them time-in-timeout.
Why do I feel this way about some one that I will Probly never get to be with.
I want you... Do you want me?
We kiss and never see eachother naked.
We share the same bed but never lay as a couple in it.
Why do I feel these nasty feelings. I was happier when I was misserable.

I HATE THIS SHIT........

I hate the last week of College. Write this paper, do this assingment, study for the final, and blah blah blah blah. When this term ends I plan on getting so tore up I will need to take a week off just to recover from the hangover. If you are game leave a comment and we will work on a date.

P.s
Chris if Rachel goes and you offer her one drink I will cut you from ball sack to nose! Got me get me good!!!!!

Moveing on is not something humans do not do eaisly. If you have ever been in love or in a relationship for a length of time, you know what I mean. Few changes have occured not only in one of my close and personal friends life, but in mine as well. I have realized that I want more then great sex. I also found some one whom I thought I could be with. Alas, we have discovered that we can't; for reasons we know and that is how it will stay. I am not hurt but happy that my realtionship could end like that and I think the two of us will stay friends and maybe try it again at a later date. While the two of us were doing what we were doing I learned something about myself I did not know. I have the ability to love someone and not in a jealous way. I had no problem with this person doing there own thing at parites, because I too went off and did what I wanted to. I admit I enjoyed their company, but am not sad that the two or three week fling ended. It actually opened my eyes and taught me that love is something I want, but what I am still unsure of is this. Do I want to raise my children with a person or raise them on my own and then settle down as it were. I have no fear that I will do what I want in this life, well career wise that is. But the thought of me spending my life with an indvually and have to deal with them on a dailly bases is not something I want. Face it folks I do what I want rather people want me to or not. I just hate the thought of someone telling me that I can't spend my money the way I want. That is the biggest issue I have with a LTR (long term realtionship).

Hey Rachel if the two us are still single and living when we are, oh say, in our 70's what you say about gettin married and picking a retirement home together. We won't have to worry about sex, I'll be to old to do anything LOL!? Let me know.

This is not like me to post about something in the sky, but I have to tell you all what I saw. On, my way home last night I saw something in the sky. It hovered over my car for one min then it was gone. I mean completely gone, disappeared, into the sky. It was nothing I have ever seen. This is what I saw. A triangular "craft" with three white lights and one red light in the middle of the "craft". Granted, I do believe there is something out there, but I was just saying that so I would never see something. Then my cell phone battery randomly dies. It was fully charged. I just got done charging it the night before. If any body can explain and help me rationalize what I saw please leave my a comment.

I have this to say.............................

You fill in the rest.

Thy must cover thyns own ass. I have covered my ass this week. I am now an S.L. at work that means roughly $7 an hour and 30 hours a week. I still might have to look for a part time summer job just so I can pay off my cards and not worry about them. But I doubt that I will do that. I will be okay with making the min payments or a little more for a while. I figure when I go to SVSU I will get a student loan and pay all of that card off and not worry about. I figure as long as I can pay my rent, car, loan, and have enough money at the end of the month I will be fine. Well I am off to buy some new work clothes so I will catch y'all later.

I am going to fade away for a while.

I don't know why, but I feel that I am not destined for a friendship with him. For some reason that is bothering me. For the second time in my life I am left thinking what did I do. When I think that he just lied to spear my feelings. I don't get why people do that I guess I may be too honest about life, but what are you going to do about that. If I never have a singfagant other in my life I just may be fine with that. I guess seeing all my friends "happy" with their relationships made me want it (a relationship). As I write this I realize that I was happy without a person in my life but hey. I guess I am just pissed at myself for not reading between the lines like I should have. I am so looking forward to talking with a psychologist and maybe moving on with my "issues" and finding my real self, if that really exsits. If therapy doesn't work I just may gas up my car and go west for a while and maybe write my book and live as a bum. I hate having responsibilities those are the only reasons I stay here. Well I have wasted enough of your time so I guess I will see you all some time soon. I am sure that one of you all will have a party after I get out of the WTF mode I am in right now. Lord if this is a broken heart. I need more help then I thought maybe I will see you all soon If not I will proally be out west. Love yah all.

Fill this out if you would like a LTR.

1. Name:
2. Age:
3. Height:
4. Hair color:
5. Top/Bottom:
6. Fav Drink:
7. Do you go tanning?
8. Cuddle or make out?
9. Do you think im attractive?
10. Are you conceited?
11. Where do you work?
12. Are you in school?
13. Living situation: 14. How much do you weigh?
15. Piercings?
16. Tattos?
17. Fav clothing style?
18. Can you cook?...(I can)....
19. Do you drive? 20. Are you looking for an LTR?
21. If we were together would you try to make me feel special?
22. Do you have any questions about me?
23. What would make me choose you over someone else?

Number five does not need to be answered by the women.

Birthday Ideas.

Following suite with everyone, I am having a 21st bash. It will be at my house in STC and in the barn (no animals). I will have food and a keg and some type of juice for the non-drinkers. We will have a bon fire, beer, food , pool, and movies in the barn and limited house access. My birthday is July 16th this year it is on a Sunday. So the party will start at 12:01 Sunday morn and hopefully go through the next day. The first Keg is on me the second will be a five dollar botomless cup. Also, for the lightweights, i.e Chris it will cost you a mere six dollars a cup. I would say bring your swim suits but we all know what booze + pool = NUDITY!!! So lets keep it rated R and not XXX that because my mum might kill me if she sees any of my friends having sex in or around her house/pool. RSVP with me before the party so I know how much of everything to get.

I wish I was STILL an only child!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, my mom and I were to go to Home Depot and get some paint and carpet for my room today. Then, Jerrad gets up and wants to go. imedatedly after that she says "I don't want to go." All, because she can't say no to him. WTF!!! She will go places with him and not me. Then her car breaks down agian and I am inconvininced yet agian. I can't drive my own car to and fro. Seriously GET A NEW FUCKING CAR. I don't mind every blue moon loaning my car out, but come on it is just about every other day now. Damn, I need to get away. I can't wait to go to the mall of America this summer and Ohio on Friday.

I feel like I am serving a perison term. I work two jobs and go to school full time. In reality I should be banking mad cash but I am not I am still paying bills off. I have not spent money on myself all year. I am really getting anncy to spend some money after this pay check I have decide to spend some of my money on me. I want to go to the outlet mall or maybe Great Lakes Crossing. Any takers, Jeff, Rachel??? I'm looking at you two.

So, the theater keeps trying to push me into the MIT position. I don't want to be a manager there. I am 20 going on 21 I feel like I am 20 going on 31. I want to enjoy my youth while I can and before I settle down and start a life of my own. I want to make my mistakes now so when I am in my forties I don't feel like I missed out on anything in this life. Yes, I have down a lot of thing thus far, but alas I want to more such as parities and I will avoid the whole getting so mashed thing like at Annas party. I think I handled myself, way, better at Al's preimer.

So, my grandmother is in the hospital. That is way I was able to get today off from work. On the lucky side of it all she is responeding better to the meds and just might pull it off. I feel a little bad about taking today off seeing how she might be okay, but I needed a day off where I don't have to do any homework. Well I have ran out of time, so I will pick my my rante a little later. Sorry about all the spelling mistakes I just don't care right now.

I have a fear.

My fear is that I will die younger than expected.
Not of nature, but of my own doing.
I have told myself that when my glacuma gets worse and I lose my eye sight my life will end.
I am not the type of person that can live as a dependent.
Not being able to see will not help.
But if the meds do what they are suppose to and then the surgery releases the presure I should be fine.
If that is true then why the hell am I so scared? if all these things are to make be better and keep my eyesight I should be okay. Why do I feel so bad???????

Yuke!

I FEEL LIKE DEATH, AND I LOOK THE PART TO BOOT. Seven more days until I am done with the Movie bussiness. If I did not know any better I swear I was pregant. I have motion sick, head achey, and I HAVE AN ODD APPITE. Well, talk to you all later.

HI!

This is the longest amount of time I have kept a job, since senior year in High school. This year is looking very promiseing. I am currently hopping that they don't promte me at GKC for the simple fact that I would like to cut my hours and go down to seanal help. I can't do two jobs and school full time. I proally could if they were normal hours not 20 19 hours at Webber on Mondays, Wedensdays, Fridays, 20 hours at GKC Friday, Saturday, Sunday and the occisonal Wedensday shift. Not to menichen school from 8:30-4 on Tuesday and Thursday. I have to admit the money is great $400 a pay check fits in my pocket so nicley.

I have paid off all but 600$$ of my credit cards. Yeah for me! Now when I get the mail I don't hear "Bills, bills, bills" by Destinies Child. ( I know that was a little gay.) Well, I must go and finsh my homework I have socialology stuff to finsh and yes I did drop my photography class.


_Good Night, Good luck and God Speed to all, except Bush.


P.S

I geuss Cheny's not the smart one he shot someone. HMMM so where are the brains in this administration?????

Friends mean this to me

A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.
A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.
One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement: friends of the clean air movement.

If you feel this fits you then read on if not and you still want me to be around stop reading NOW!

At the risk of lossing some friends and strengthing my existing friendships I have to say this. I am not Stirght nor am I Gay. I am attracted to both men and women and this causes me a lot of problems in my life. I know atleast two of my friends that understand and are ok with my situation. I hope this doesn't cost me any friendships. *Note the people that read this are usually Anna, Rachel, Jeff, Chirs and the rest of the Newsyndcate people. I hope you all will understand this and if you didn't know DUHHH! LOL tring to be funny haha.

Hmmm, after thinking about that title Eminem might try and sue me. Oh well, I have no money, one crappy job, and one great job, I owe on my car and cardit cards, and I owe life in general. I highly doubt that he will get much out of me.

I am so bored and have no ryhme or reason for it; that is just what I am. I think I have finally decided and agreed on what school to transfer to, in the fall. Yes it is true that I am (most likely) going to attend SVSU for my Bacholers degree. (Is it Bacholers or Bacholors?) What else. Yes, I know it's a long time away, but I am quitting GKC (again) on July 17, 2006(the day after my 21st b-day). All this is depent on two things. One I don't get fired from them or from Project Pride and secondly that Project Pride calls me back for next school year. I think they will Mr. Erwin (the princeple) seems to like me. Also, so I can save money I will be living on campus in a campus apartment. I have not reached the conclusion wreather or not if I am living alone or willing to get a roomate; all I know is that I don't think another bill or set of bills in this case would be a good idea.

With me staying at SVSU and only working one job and only needing to consintrate on my car note I should have some free time. Free time- time to think, relax, and do whatever I damn well please. Hmm, I smell something cooking in my little head. What else to write or bitch about??


I HATE SAGINAW!!!

1) The jobs are crap ( I mean who in the hell wants to work for 6-7 dollars an hour?)

2) To many people are getting shot at (where I and Rachel work durring the day.)

3) It's becoming very unsafe to live anywhere other then the townships, and who the hell can afford that area making 6 or 7 dollars an hour.??!!

4) Not that many atractive or interesting people around here.

5) All the fun things contain spending lots of money. I AM A POOR COLLEGE KID. I don't have the freaking money to spend on them.

6) No good concerts ever come here.

7) Every one knows every one.

8) Did I mention it's boring?

9) Certain areas have a really funky smell to them.

10) Over 50% of the people in this town/city are extremly rude to the workers in the meaningless and pointless jobs.

The End!
Fin

So I don't Forget!

I would like to plan a trip to NMU in Febuary 21 for all of those intrested in going with me (this includes you Jeff). Let me know soon cuz I am going to look for a Hotel. Let me know by the 21st of January.